oh i know! since i’m feeling wretched and can’t really function today, today is the day to finally push the button on the dang Sled Dog Guy Mystery update I’ve been sitting on for no actual reason since last week. 

Let’s see if I can figure out why I haven’t felt like I could publish it. 
Ha I managed to overcome the writer’s block and finish… the one sex scene that’s part of a larger chapter with another sex scene in it so I can’t even post anything to show for my progress. HA HA oh well, at least I can rest secure in the knowledge that I finally wrote The Healing Threesome Of Conclusion for the Epic. (I just have to wrap up the plot and also Kes and Leia. Ha. Anyone remember that I was working on that? I do!) 

Sigh. Meanwhile, though, time to pack up and drive across the state again, and I’m excited for the destination but as usual, not for the journey.
so i drove the entire way to work this morning in an absent-minded state of tooth-gritted, resigned anxiety, like I’d just been in a fight and was chewing it over and dealing with moving on in my life and all.

And it was only after like, fifteen minutes of it, that I was like… wait… I… basically haven’t spoken to anyone today… I pet my cat and said some fairly sweet nothings to my dude, I wrote a goofy post about butter, I– why am I thinking I was in an argument? I don’t think I’ve so much as disagreed with anyone in days????

And I realized eventually that I had scrolled past and read half of a post where two people were debating back and forth over something in semi-hostile tones.

Jesus Christ, I didn’t even read the whole thing and I don’t even think either one of them were mutuals or anyone I’ve ever spoken to. It was literally random strangers on the Internet having a mild but snippy disagreement over some turn of phrase. 

There is not very much of my brain working and I deeply resent that the only part of my brain that seems to be working well is the one that latches onto icky things. 


This is why I’m not on Facebook.

This could also explain why despite the fact that many perfectly lovely people have said perfectly lovely things I am convinced that nobody reads my shit and nobody cares. I’ve mostly been pretty good I think about not whining too much because I do realize how shitty it must be, if you read my shit and left a nice comment and I didn’t answer and then went and whined about how nobody loves me. But that’s how my brain is currently working: you do something nice, I don’t notice it because it conflicts with my deeply-held belief that everything is bad. (You know, that cognitive bias whatever thing that makes people do incredibly stupid things like rely on the ACA for their continued existence and enthusiastically vote for the guy who promised to eliminate it?) 

That’s not to say that the moment of pleasure I experience when reading such a comment etc. isn’t real, it’s just that it goes very pale pretty much instantly in my memory, and then the brainweasels yell at me that I made the whole thing up, that sort of thing. Look, my brain is wholesale devoting itself to making me feel shitty about arguments I didn’t even read, let alone get involved in (and it was an issue I don’t have an opinion on either way, I should add! I only read the little bit I did because it was something I didn’t know was a thing!)– is it any wonder that I’m not hitting all the marks on the ol’ social graces? 

So I suppose I should conclude by expressing gratitude for anyone who has bothered to interact with me in any kind of positive or even neutral kind of way lately, because it’s really appreciated even if I don’t actually, you know, wind up with enough appreciation going spare for it to be in any way perceptible. 
They changed the timing on the light at Englewood, maybe? I don’t know but there was a golden couple months there where I didn’t have to sit motionless on this block for quite such a percentage of my life. it’s bad both directions but there just aren’t any options, eastbound. #whining (at Buffalo, New York)

This wind is really something else huh?
I’m not gonna get any sleep tonight. :(

I think I would have gotten over the wind and gotten a reasonable amount of sleep if not for all the bugs that it shook down out of the rafters who then spent the rest of the night CRAWLING ON ME whyyyy :( :( :( 


Sep. 8th, 2016 02:16 am
So the grinding noise was indeed my rear brakes, which are now replaced, free of charge, covered under warranty, just in time. Go me!

I was feeling sort of low because I Finally Updated The Epic and got a few comments and then… crickets… and like… some of the regulars hadn’t been by, the ones who leave long great comments on every chapter, you know the ones, and i was feeling real sad, like, I blew my update schedule and now no one will ever love me kind of shit, you know the type… and then I got a comment notification and went and looked and there’s a giant yellow banner that AO3 emails aren’t going out, so. That’s a little cheering. I’m not letting myself go look to see if there are comments there, I’d rather leave it as a kind of Schrodinger’s Sad Sack kind of situation. I am so pathetically Dependent on Validation, you know? but I don’t get a lot of it in my daily life, I’m just putting that out there. Most things I try to do, I fail at, so. Maybe it’s not reasonable but it’s a little bit understandable that I’m kind of Thirsty about this sort of thing. 

God it is so fucking hard to just fucking believe in yourself, you know? Ugh. I seriously cried about being a goddamn retail clerk who can’t add, today. Like, ugly sobbing. it’s really good nobody was around. 

[deleted thousand-word aside about buying incense at the indian grocery store??? what??? i need to chill.]

I’m on such a tear tonight. I need to chill. It’s definitely A Time of Month or something, for reals. Ugh. 
I am staying the course and finishing the fic before I post anything. I am letting beta-readers take their time. I am going to methodically go back and make edits. 

I am going to have a fucking title before I post it, and it’s not going to be unwieldy and long. I will have a theme. I will be organized. 

This is hard. 

(I will stop looking at other authors and seeing how popular their stories are and thinking that means my stories don’t need to get told. Listen, you, a lot of people read your shit and like it so shut your face.)
(I absolutely won’t throw this over for the modern AU that popped into my head today while I was doing something else. Poe is a jaded detective with a secret passion for a cause, Finn a former child soldier who got himself out, and Rey was raised by a cult and has inexplicable powers…)

I will chill the fuck out and finish something for fucking once. This only seems dry because you’re writing it. Get to the point and you can come back and cut the things that don’t serve it. You just have to find the point first. 

Chewie sighed, and bent over Poe. “You look kinda rough,” he said.

“I feel kinda rough,” Poe answered.

“C’mere,” Chewie said, and picked him up. Poe managed to move a hand enough to wrap it around Chewbacca’s arm as the world spun wildly. “You’re a lot heavier than the last time I did this.”

“I don’t remember you ever doing this before,” Poe said. Squeezing his eyes shut didn’t help but he did it anyway.

“Not surprising,” Chewie said, “you were probably about eight. It was that time you broke your leg?”

“Oh yeah,” Poe said. He’d forgotten that. “Fuckin’, Ben, got stuck up a tree and I fell out trying to get him down.” He tried to pry his fingers out of Chewie’s arm but instinct wanted him to hang on tight.

“You should have just come and gotten us,” Chewbacca said. “I just reached up and got him.”

“In hindsight,” Poe said, “that would have been a better idea, but do recall, I was eight.”

Chewie grunted with the effort, but lifted him up into a bunk set into the wall over a semicircular lounge with a holo-table in the middle. “I haven’t shed in this bed,” he said, “you’ll probably be comfortable here.”

Poe took a moment to peel his fingers out of Chewie’s fur. “Thanks, man,” he said.
Man, who here remembers that time my boss told me I didn’t need any raises because I have a sugar daddy*? I haven’t had a raise since he decided that, and hadn’t in some time– four, five years now– and I just overheard a coworker (during an hour-long personal phone call) mention her income, which is nearly $4/hr more than mine, and I’m just feeling real icky at the moment.

* newer readers may wonder, does B have a sugar daddy? Well. I have a partner of 15 years that I supported through college and with whom I have joint finances, who currently earns literally four times what I do. Is that sugar daddy???
Part of my old boss’s issue was that he was a devout Catholic, of course, and therefore since my dude and I aren’t married our relationship can only be based in sin. Dude also used to scoff at how much I hated children since I didn’t have any. So.

Anyway. I wish I hadn’t heard that, I didn’t need that information.

Why do I only have talents that aren’t worth money.
i am having a day where i am bad at things!

and i want to not be me for a while!

i just want a little break and to be someone else preferably in a different body and with different things going on

and that is not how things work but i will just have to fucking deal! bummer!



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