yeah

[dragonlady7]

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The fucking cat woke me at 3am and I rolled around trying to go back to sleep for an hour but have given up and am working on my writing and oh no i am not doing great at it.

i am so far from finishing anything at all, anything i can publish at all, and i am sad about that, like a lot sad. but. i poured like 12k into a thing that was refusing to cohere, and i got a wonderful person to beta-read it and they were like yup that’s because it’s broken, and i am like this is great now i will fix it, but alas, i am too stupid to fix it, it does not say what i want and i don’t know how to make it actually say what i want, so that’s demoralizing.

until i finish that one, i can’t really begin to work on the other one, because they have to fit together. The other-other one I could probably knock out but while it stands alone, it shouldn’t, so I should wait and re-work it once I have the first one done. but that means there’s another 6k just sitting there unusable, for now. And I did write a fairly good chunk of the bit after the Eskel Sequel, but for pacing and timeline reasons I need to have there be rather a lot more story beforehand, and it doesn’t have to be a lot but it’s got to hold up and it can’t be put in afterward, so that’s another 6k sitting there unusable for now.

and i spent yesterday doing math i’m not qualified to do, and it’s for a project i’m excited about but at this point now i’m feeling like the whole thing is going to be so much money and time and effort and all for just– me because i want to? that seems like a terrible idea, it’s only me, i can only feel good about projects i do for other people and i can’t bear the thought of other people working on a thing for me and yet i can’t do this without a shitload of help and that’s not like. how i operate, as a person.

BUT anyway

this was going to be a snippet post but as it happens it’s going to be a snippet of a different work entirely. so i should put it in separately. so this is just whining. so i should just delete it because there’s no purpose to it. argh. whatever man this is a journal and if i don’t say what i’m doing then later when i read back over this time period i’ll be like it’s weird that i wasn’t publishing anything what was i doing who knows.

anyway my Achievement this week was that when I inadvertently tripped over my own math trauma and gave myself what I think might have been almost a panic attack at my sister’s kitchen table I managed to swallow that shit back down and I don’t think anyone noticed I’d been crying so I get a gold fucking medal. But it’s been about 14 hours since that and I’m still feeling like I’m made of fucking bone china and I’m sick of this shit. (Your picture was not posted)