a grump

[dragonlady7]

i'm posting this here because i don't know where else to vent.
it's not exactly tumblr drama.
it's. me-drama. IDK.

Argh so i was having a conversation with someone i don’t know all that well, but rather like, who we’ll call person A. It was via the unwieldy method of tumblr asks and reblogs. (Prior to that, we’d conversed in AO3 comments, which like-- you can’t just pop into AO3 and start a new thread of comments to discuss a new idea, right? It’s not really a general-purpose social media site.) I don’t have any other social media handles for this person, who is sort of Not That Super Online, so this was fine. Obviously if they wanted me to have another contact method they know where to contact me! I’m not going to push any more than that.

Anyway, as a result, I wound up starting a gift fic for this person based on the ideas we’d discussed. It was going well, so I put a chunk of it in the WIP snippets channel on a Discord I frequent, which is invite-only and has a reasonable expectation of privacy.

Someone who also knows this person, we’ll call them Person B, was like “oh! Can I share this with Person A?” They have more social media contact info for Person A and is part of the reason I know Person A isn’t very online, because B always whines when Person A won’t message them back.

I was like “actually i was planning on doing that directly myself, haha”, because, I mean. I’m writing this person a gift fic. It stands to reason I’d show it to them, at some point. I was just debating sending an ask, or a submission, or a DM, maybe putting it in a Google Doc and letting them see the whole thing, or maybe just making a post? I was still deciding.

Anyway, I popped over to Tumblr, that being the only place I have a social media handle for Person A. I crafted a lil post about it, and pasted in nearly the same snippet, organized and edited slightly, and tagged Person A and posted it.

And came back to Discord to a message from Person B. “Person A says XYZ,” they said cheerfully. XYZ being a fantastic idea I’d’ve loved to discuss with them.

“I,” I said, “just, put together a post, like I said I was going … to…”

“Oh,” said person B, genuinely dismayed, “sorry! But other people will love the post too!”

Yes but. I had wanted. To continue the conversation. With person A. for whom the fic was intended as a gift. And I would have loved to pursue the implications of XYZ. But.

“Person A doesn’t like Tumblr that much,” Person B said. “Getting tagged in stuff stresses them out.”

Well fuck.

It’s been 24 hours and Person A never did like or respond to the post I tagged them in. I sent them a DM on Tumblr and apologized for redundantly tagging them in a post about stuff they’d already seen, but now that seems like a passive-aggressive thing to have done, and like, worse, because if they don’t like Tumblr now they’ve got two weird notifications, ARGH. Because now it’s fucking weird. I feel like I’m being weird and desperate but I mean. I wrote this person a gift fic, and someone else copy-pasted my private preview of it to send them instead. And went to have a wonderful, apparently, hours-long conversation with them, about entirely other things, having used my story as a conversation-starter, and I don’t begrudge them that entirely but I’m. Feeling weird and sad and desperate, because.

Well, I mean, writing someone a gift fic is often kind of like an overture of friendship, and I feel like this other person sort of swooped in to kind of like… gatekeep me? Like I’m not cool enough to talk to Person A directly and Person B had to like, shield them from my uncoolness? Like my work (I mean I spent hours on that fic and it’s not even done) was good enough to use for someone else’s purpose, but not good enough to earn me one (1) Social Interaction of my Own?

It’s weird, and I feel weird and gross.

Also Person B is someone I like a lot who is in every single relevant Discord server that I’m in and so I can’t rant about this because they already apologized and I do believe they realize what they did was inappropriate so I can’t exactly harp on about it but I remain quite upset so now I have to pretend I’m not bothered but also now I don’t know if I can bring myself to finish the stupid fucking fic either. It’s nothing to do with the fic or the idea, and entirely down to probably repressed middle-school bullshit memories this has dredged up, of being the Too Much one that various friends had to run interference on to keep from ruining social groups and so on.

Blgh I am an old woman and this has like, ruined my day, how am I this elderly and yet in all that time have mustered so little chill. It’s not fair.

Compounding the sad is that in the previous conversation with Person A starting with the Tumblr ask, it had come up that they do read my stuff, and while that’s lovely, it sort of indirectly highlighted that I didn’t know they’d been reading my stuff because they neither comment nor kudos on it. Like! Not even a kudos! I! Oof. Maybe Person B is right and I don’t rate.

Ughhh I’m Too Much and Nobody Likes Me and the only thing I can contribute to the world is that I’m good at writing and if I just crank out enough of that, mostly people will use it to discuss among themselves but occasionally if I do enough of it someone will take the time to talk to me about it once in a while, and that’s what I’ve got to live for.

Comments

[redstapler]

Nah, you're well within your rights to be pissed. Person B ignored your boundaries and created this whole issue.

[rmc28]

Oh, Person B was super-rude, ignored your clear statement and took your PRIVATELY POSTED PREVIEW to frankly insert themselves into a conversation that wasn't about them to start with. They could have WAITED until your fic was done to have that conversation, ffs. "other people will enjoy the post" - yes, you too Person B could have waited to ENJOY THE POST.

So yes, I am not at all surprised that you are hurt and upset.

Also, them apologising doesn't take away the fact they hurt you by being super-rude, and it's ok to need some time and not be ok with it just because they apologised. Someone steps on your foot and says sorry, the foot is still bruised and needs time to heal.

Also also, the person being too much and socially inappropriate here is NOT YOU.

[sevenall]

For what it's worth, I would like to add my voice: the person who broke your confidence and boundaries did a very thoughtless and hurtful thing and your feelings about it are entirely justified. I totally understand that it can take the shine and inspiration off a new writing project too.

In the same breath, I do realize that I'm one of the people that do follow everything you write, following you from fandom to fandom, but largely lurking. So, I can do better about showing my appreciation for your writing!

[armadillo1976]

Hi!

First of all, I don't know that validation from a stranger half the world over from you is gonna be of much help ;-) but what Person B did was absolutely dickish, and only speaks to their own personality and conduct (dickish!), not yours.

Second of all... Being chill is overrated. I mean, here we all are, squeeing about fictional characters, expending endless energy to craft these little missives of evidence of our investment in them. Creative and passionate and involved, these are the qualities that make fandom the wonderful place that it is. Chill, I don't know. Chill is at odds with vulnerability, and vulnerability is such a crucial thing in fandom. So maybe don't beat yourself up about not being chill?

But I totally get where you're coming from, and my words are only meant to support you. I've been where you're at, feelings-wise, and that place sucks. Hugs!

[some_stars]

Oh I just saw this and I hope you’re feeling better now but I would like to validate your feelings just in case! That was a very rude thing for them to do and you are not too much or weird at all 💕💕💕

[dragonlady7]

<3 I am, thank you.
I'm not like. lastingly mad. Person B misread my message and didn't intend to transgress my boundaries and apologized profusely. I was mostly just annoyed that my own feelings of being hurt took so dang long to go away. But it's hard to control feelings.