i’m

[dragonlady7]

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sigh i made it through a night alone without doing anything too horribly feral, though when dude came back after i’d left for work he was like “why does it smell funny in here”(i burned incense because I can’t do that when he’s around). he’s retrieving his stuff from his mom’s but might stay isolated in the guest room tonight. maybe i’ll just. wear a mask in my house. idk.

but. the coworker who was exposed still doesn’t have symptoms or a positive result, so i feel like my exposure risk is low, so– but it’s up to Dude what level of risk he’s comfortable with, I guess– and just–

[cut for venting/dithering]

another coworker was like “well if you’re worried enough that your guy moved out of the house why are you at work?” and i didn’t have a snappy answer, but 1) we wear masks at work, not while sleeping, I’ll be better at keeping my mask on than the exposed coworker was? 2) i don’t get paid days off so there’s no way in fucking hell I’m staying home and 3) without Exposed Coworker here there’s nobody to do the work only the two of us know how to do, and also 4) Other Coworker (my supervisor) needed today off and I have to come in, there’s time-sensitive stuff only he and I know how to do, so there cannot be a day when neither of us comes in.

and i make minimum wage, clearly i am not important (if i pointed this out to anyone at work they’d be like whatever! you’re not important! why work so hard! and then later would talk shit about how i don’t work hard, it’s not like i’m new here and don’t know exactly how this goes)

anyway today featured me running around like an asshole trying to get Everything Done and then in the midst of it the coworker I used to complain about on here, the one who drove me insane and with whom I literally had a physical altercation in like, 2012? i don’t remember, anyway– she shows up with her husband and child to take family portraits in the studio? but what she does is sits her ass down directly in the open doorway of my office (next to the studio), not having noticed me, and takes her mask off, and then proceeds to change her infant’s diaper directly on the industrial carpeting of my doorway. Like, no changing mat!!!!!! Just right on the floor! (and as she gets the diaper off she’s like “oh no poop? I thought there was poop!” Jesus fucking Christ)

So it’s good to know idiot coworker has not only not gotten any smarter, but has also bred. Fucking– great. Anyway one of her salient features that made working with her so delightful was an incredibly shrill and penetrating voice, and she then spent the next hour with her diaper bag blockading my doorway (I had said hi! She knew I was there! She did not care, obviously, though i was trying to be pleasant.) while in the next room, she SHRIEKED cutesy things at her baby to get it to make faces or something idk, nonstop, for an hour. Anyway.

(Like, as a person who is often herself shrill, I wouldn’t judge someone just for their voice? but when someone is Bad then them having a Real Distinct voice really really really only makes it way worse.)

Stressed me the fuck out, which was some good intel on my level of like, fucking trauma from that era of my life. I already was avoiding news sites today because I can’t take any suspense; a kind soul was posting updates on the major milestones of the inauguration because I literally could not stomach the thought of opening Twitter.

So I’m a fucking wreck. I decided in the midst of all this that a good coping mechanism would be to post another fic chapter, and then stressed myself the fuck out coming up with a new work title because my genius brain decided we needed to split the story here, and it took me two hours to post it.

BUT.

I’ve been getting lovely comments ever since, which was what I wanted/needed, so.

At times like this I wish weed were 1) legal and 2) at all effective for me, but like, 1) no so 1a) i don’t have any so 2) it only makes me more anxious anyway.

I actually deliberately attempted to make myself cry last night hoping it would help but the little I managed Did Not, so. I’m a fucking wreck, that’s all. This, as so many things, shall pass, and I’ll keep on keeping on as I normally do. (Your picture was not posted)

Comments

[oracne]

I hope tomorrow is better.

[deerna]

*sending hugs*