Hey is there anyway I can tempt you into The Old Guard fandom? I recently got really into it (hyper

answered, Anonymous

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Hoo as a general rule I cannot be tempted into fandoms. I was super into the Untamed but I haven’t been able to watch past episode 20; I read the spoilers so I could read fanfic, but I’m not going to be able to watch the rest of the episodes anytime soon. Brain no worky; I want badly to do it but I can get as far as opening YouTube and then I’m just like, nope, I will do Literally Anything Else right now, bye.

Also I don’t own a Netflix and I don’t watch more than a couple of movies a year and it’s possible I used up all my Watch New Stuff on the Witcher plus the 20 episodes I managed of Untamed. I’ve considered like, three times telling my BIL, who likes to watch movies and has a Netflix, that I’d watch Old Guard with him because I don’t think he’s heard of it, but if I go to open my mouth Literally Anything Else will come out. Like, sure, fair enough, from what I’ve seen it really does seem like I’d really like it. But I Can’t, so. That’s that.

I think that’s a pretty clear answer from my psyche: no more glowy box movey pictures for me, at present.

So, respectfully, absolutely not at this time, thanks.

If I do, I’ll surely be posting about it here, but it’s not gonna be soon. That’s not how I work, unforch.

replies and asks and such

astroloquacious, replying to replies, asks answered

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beyoursledgehammer https://beyoursledgehammer.tumblr.com/ replied to your post “replying to replies about not looking for more fandoms to be in” https://bomberqueen17.tumblr.com/post/626185673583575040/replying-to-replies-about-not-looking-for-more

also anon’s ask sounded like ‘please watch this and write fic for it’

It did, rather, which in my book is sort of a rude thing to say but I am perfectly aware that to many fannish people this would be a compliment. It’s hard, when one is in a bad mental space (as, oh boy, I sure am– I just found out on my way out the door after 10 hours on the clock at work today that I haven’t been getting paid for the few hours my job has taken me back, either– I worked 12 hours 4 weeks ago, and 18 hours 2 weeks ago, and none of those generated any kind of paycheck, so now I have to do battle with my employer as well as the DOL people and sweet Christ I was so looking forward to actually earning some money for the first time since March and now I have another fight to fight and I’m going to have to use a phone and articulate my needs and advocate for myself and I just would like to curl up under a table and fucking cry instead of any of that, and I would just say I won’t come in until they sort it out but they don’t need me so whatever. I have no leverage in this, I never have; they’re still paying me minimum after eleven years so to assume that they value me would be to severely misstate the matter. So to say I’m in a bad mental space is probably seriously underselling it) not to take that as a sort of imposition, or even an attack– a normal person would have no problem seeing that as a sweet, flattering invitation, why can’t I just watch a simple fucking TV show or whatever it is, God, but it’s a bit of a stretch to assume bad intentions there so I’m really really really trying to focus on being polite and respectful in my answer, because probably this person isn’t just treating me like a fic machine and poking me until good words fall out, but it’s real hard, at the moment, because I am a fucking wreck and that’s sure what it felt like to me. Which, anyway, that was not very composed or clever of me and I should stop there!

I am going to insist that surely anon did not mean it in a gross or demanding way and the part of my jerkbrain that is seeing it that way is just being a jerk.

but also, like, plz don’t do that. don’t ask me to write things. if i have not been talking about a fandom plz don’t ask me to get into it. I get that people like that but I don’t. Like that. It’s not how my brain works. It just feels like another reminder that I am not a normal person and won’t ever be.

lazaefair https://lazaefair.tumblr.com/ replied to your post “replying to replies about not looking for more fandoms to be in” https://bomberqueen17.tumblr.com/post/626185673583575040/replying-to-replies-about-not-looking-for-more

<3 <3 How are the mammoths coming along, by the way?

I wrote that whole bunch of it last year (oh lord, it was only last year. Most of it’s under f-lock but the intro and some of the beginning is publicly readable here https://dragonlady7.dreamwidth.org/tag/the+solarpunk+mammoths+novel, for anyone who hasn’t seen it) and then petered out because not super many people were reading it and also I realized I suck at plots, and then I was revising it with some input from a friend but then neither of us really had time, so I set it aside and now when I look at it, all I can see is how it didn’t really work as a plot and so all I’ve really got is some worldbuilding, and a bunch of scenes I don’t like. Very frustrating and sad. I don’t know where to start, to get back to it.

mikkeneko https://mikkeneko.tumblr.com/ asked “God that’s a mood. I don’t understand how people can watch a new…” https://www.tumblr.com/blog/bomberqueen17/submissions?626187172061609984

God that’s a mood. I don’t understand how people can watch a new series every week. I need room to get emotionally invested!

Yeah I’ve had a few messages to that effect. I’m glad I’m not the only freak– I’m not interested in just watching something to pass the time, I only really want to read or watch something I’m going to get fully invested in, but that’s such a huge commitment that I can only manage it once in a–

!!!!! oh my god I’m demisexual for media that’s what it is

it’s just like how I can’t get into people unless it’s going to be a whole thing and most of the time there’s just not that connection so there’s no way I’m gonna. Well, anyway, it turns out that for me that’s not a sexual thing that’s my whole me, I’m not interested in something unless I’m going to basically marry it, and the thought of dating something else while still married to the previous thing goes beyond unappealing into just plain alien. Like, just, how??? like I’m already eating a steak, why would I put an ice cream sundae also into my mouth at the same time, it’s not a perfect metaphor but it has the same total lack of moral judgement I intend here– it’s not that I don’t love steaks in an abiding fashion, and honestly I actually love ice cream sundaes even more than steaks, but if I’m in the middle of eating a steak I’m not going to order? dessert? and also start eating it? like right in the middle of dinner? I’m already eating, I only have one mouth? Why would I do this? How would I do this???????????

Obviously it does not work this way for most people but that’s super super how it works for me.

astroloquacious https://astroloquacious.tumblr.com/ replied to your post “replying to replies about not looking for more fandoms to be in” https://bomberqueen17.tumblr.com/post/626185673583575040/replying-to-replies-about-not-looking-for-more

I would personally love to get to know some of your original fic stuff.

I wish I had the wherewithal to scratch some out now, honestly, because I also want to be writing it but I am currently in the midst of this Witcher steak but a few people have been kind enough to be interested, and I want to post some but I currently hate everything original I’ve ever written, alas. I made the mistake of trying to reread the novella I was working on in, oh god, January, which I’d gone so far as to have some people beta-read before I decided it was… not… good. (It’s not freestanding, is the problem, it’s the prequel to a thing, and I thought, well, I’ll write the prequel, but it doesn’t make sense without the thing, in defiance of my fond hopes, so, I’m sort of stuck again.)

Oh gosh I was working on it in January. Of this year?? It seems like a thousand years ago. Well, here’s a scene https://bomberqueen17.tumblr.com/post/190342510134/ayy-1k-words from that novella, in which the prequel’s narrator gives us a little rundown of exactly who Our Protagonist really is.

(Ha, I found a description of him in another entry about this. I was calling the protagonist Paladin Guy, because when I first wrote the main novel thing I didn’t know what a paladin was but he definitely was one. Here’s how I described him:

And while Paladin Guy is, like all paladins, a little bit of a dumbass– pure of heart, pert of buttocks, bright of eye, holy of spirit, dumb of ass (I wouldn’t call him exactly home of sexual, it’s complicated)– he’s not a complete moron, he’s got to be smart about some things.

I should close these parentheses.)

Oh my gosh, in one of the entries in the tag about that novella I’m talking about how I’ve just seen the first couple episodes of the Witcher. It was that recently that I was working on it. Fuck. Wow. Ugh.

Maybe I can bear to reread this novella now, IDK. it would be a nice distraction from the current Bad State of everything in my life, but I’m also worried that if I hate it I’ll be super sad. Well, whatever.

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replying to replies about not looking for more fandoms to be in

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lazaefair https://lazaefair.tumblr.com/ replied to your post “Hey is there anyway I can tempt you into The Old Guard fandom? I…” https://bomberqueen17.tumblr.com/post/626161632138166272/hey-is-there-anyway-i-can-tempt-you-into-the-old

mooooooood. Exact reason why I haven’t watched The Untamed or Guardian despite already reading fanfiction in both fandoms! I usually chalk up my resistance to knowing that I get hyper-identified with characters and it takes up emotional resources, and if I’m depleted on that, I can’t watch anything new. Sounds like your brain knows you just don’t have the spell slots for more parasocial friends.

Yes this is it exactly. I have never been one of those people that can bounce among different worldbuilding situations, and write in more than one fandom at once– I can write more than one story, but I can’t really do a whole separate fandom all at the same time. I have tried only a few times, and maybe I could grow into it, but.

I desperately, desperately want to write original shit. I am so desperately tired of trying to fit the things I care about into the cracks left by (usually) rich white men and committees and things, around the canons they created to sell, and it’s great to find places to expand into and fill and heave like ice to make room for the things I care about, that’s not what I want to do all the time.

So I’m not exactly looking for more fandoms to involve myself in. I get that’s not usual; most fannish people are generally fannish, and are always looking for new things to be fans of.

I’m generally not. I want fandoms because if I find something other people care about, then I can talk about the things I care about and people will listen, and if i do it with the faces and voices of characters people are invested in, then I can have an audience and not be alone in the dark with this horrifyingly overactive imagination.

But the point isn’t the source material, for me. I like characters, sure, and there’s nothing insincere about my fannishness– but I’m not looking for new places to catch my imagination. I just don’t want to be alone. If I can find something people are willing to talk about, I’ll stay there as long as people are still willing to talk about it.

ravenreyamidala https://ravenreyamidala.tumblr.com/ replied to your post “Hey is there anyway I can tempt you into The Old Guard fandom? I…” https://bomberqueen17.tumblr.com/post/626161632138166272/hey-is-there-anyway-i-can-tempt-you-into-the-old

There are very short comic books that the movie follows very closely if you want to read those instead and then spoilers!

Ah see the point isn’t that the box glows, the point is that the box has additional worlds and characters in it, and I don’t have room in my life for them. I’m afraid negotiating different methods for me to sneak around my own brain’s limits isn’t going to change this fairly major portion of my personality, alas.

I’m glad the fandom’s so cool, and I probably will someday watch it and be like ah yes this would’ve been just the thing, but I am really, really, really not looking for a different fandom to be a part of at the moment. I just don’t want to be alone, and the Witcher hasn’t gone off the rails into being insane yet, possibly because S2 is delayed– I don’t delude myself that’s going to go anywhere good, though I hold out hope it’ll do better than… what was my last big fandom? Ugh. Yeah.

Gods I’m just so tired of being reliant on other people’s canons. But I’m more tired of being alone. All I want is not to be alone.