there are times

[dragonlady7]

There are times when it becomes very depressing to have a boyfriend who is not fond of physical contact.

Times that include times like now, when I am horribly sore and aching all over, and asked if I could maybe get a backrub, and he said sure (after criticizing me for asking too indirectly), but then when I came to sit at the foot of his bed to perhaps collect on this, instead he said he was sleepy and asked me to please turn the overhead light out on my way out.

So, no backrub, no snuggles, and I stubbed my toe twice in the dark on my way to get into my own (cold, empty) bed, where I am now sitting and feeling rather wretched.

There are also times when one regrets not having the balls to hit people when they're mean. But you know what? Whimpering "you promised you'd be nice to me" never actually works, because then you get an irritated, grudgingly obliged, heavily abridged version of what you wanted in the first place, and you're too wretched to actually enjoy it. But if you don't remind someone they promised to be nice to you, and they're not, then what do you get? You get to sit around and feel wretched. Which is worse? I couldn't tell you.


A question: I have become socialized, through much of my life, to be polite and unassuming, and not ask for things directly, but rather to attempt to get someone to agree upon things by a circuitious route. Z hates this, and thus if I do not ask for something directly, I will not get it. Why must it be that everything I have learned about behavior must be wrong, and his is right? If I want something and have to ask for it and then get it out of duty, then you know what? I don't want it. That's not worth having.

But my back is actually really fucking sore.




The lesson here is that you should really, really tip your server, because a whole goddamn 8 hours of getting treated like dirt has made her so miserable that she hates everything. And it's your fault, you cheap asshole. Die in a muddy ditch and get eaten by worms.

Comments

[tehta.livejournal.com]

I'm perhaps not the best person to comment here, because I'm with Z re: direct vs indirect asking. Basically, I think it's so much more efficient if the other person tells me what they want instead of hinting and making me guess, or waiting for me to figure it out spontaneously. But I don't really see the connection between this and "doing things only out of duty"--it's more that I would gladly do various things for this person out of affection, but I have to know which of the things they actually want me to do before I can do it. And if they ask me for something I do not want to do, I will probably say no, unless I am very fond of this person and it seems really really important to them. (Actually, with the people I have been close to who preferred the guessing technique, it was the guessing itself that started to feel like an unpleasant duty, not the favours they were asking.)

I am sort of guessing that Z forgot that he had agreed to give you a backrub, or maybe assumed you no longer wanted it since you were not asking directly. At least I hope so. Because if he decided that giving you one was an Unpleasant Duty then he deserves some sort of horrible punishment.

Also, if there's some kind of known issue--like the fact that physical contact in itself is more important to you than to him--it wouldn't actually require that much guessing on his part to realize that you might want some. So perhaps he *should* try incorporating some into his everyday behaviour without you having to ask explicitly each time. I am sure he cares for you enought that such contact wouldn't be some unpleasant duty, just something that wouldn't occur to him spontaneously.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

No, you're right-- Z is right, and it's stupid to resent him for not being psychic. I get mad at people all the time when they want me to be psychic. I'm a lot better at anticipating what people will want, but even I wouldn't be able to figure out (were I someone else) what to do for me sometimes.

And the real complicating issue is that I still have problems even knowing what it is that I want, and then I wind up wanting to want things. Which makes me impossible, and I know that.

I was in a bad mood and was very tired last night and really, all were best served by my just going to bed. But I felt I had to whine, to make myself feel better. I'm leaving this post up to remind myself what a needy idiot I am.

My problem is mostly that I don't know what I want either, which is a wearying condition to be in, and the way Z copes with that is, sensibly, to ignore me, but that has the effect of making me feel even worse. But it also has the effect of him being conditioned not to pay attention to me, which is very sad when I do want something obvious that I don't even think I should have to ask for because really, shouldn't he be the one to ask me for something once in a while? Etc.

Anyhow. He is what he is and if I really had a problem with that, I doubt I'd still be hanging around and whining about such inconsequential aspects of it. But I do need to whinge. And it's good to hear another opinion on it. As I also am dangerously lacking in perspective, as a human being.

[tehta.livejournal.com]

Well, no--I mean, we all have our own points of view, and find it difficult to see others'. I just think mine matches Z's a little, and I wanted to let you know that his behaviour doesn't mean he considers being nice to you A Horrible Duty.