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oh my god I have to stop looking at Twitter, I was doing a little better on there because of the trainwreck of the Russia investigation thing and how people seem to be paying attention to that but then I was reading about the last-minute ACHA shit they’re doing in desperation to ram this thing through and it’s so awful and I don’t understand why, why would anyone want this, there’s not even a pretense of it being better for any actual citizen, nobody’s even pretending anymore, ugh
I spent most of the day half-checked-out, and I was sort of faintly worried about it because seriously, I lost hours, I don’t remember what I was doing for huge chunks of today, but Dude said the same thing was happening to him, so maybe it’s just today. Nobody could keep their attention on anything at all, so it’s surely not just me. Anyway I was slightly productive at non-computer things tonight– I mean, mostly, I did a bunch of housework, but for me that’s really something– mostly because I was procrastinating going to the grocery store, but at least it was something.
There’s really nothing to eat in the house except Blue Apron meals. I’m really hungry and I’m a little worried I won’t be able to sleep through the night because I’ll wake up hungry, but there’s basically nothing in the house I can eat, so there’s no help for it. I tried, I started making a grocery list. It’s cool though, I did a bunch of dishes and emptied all the garbage cans and cleaned the sink. How sad is that: it’s so sad. Anyway.
I want to get a manicure because all my nails are long and that never happens. All of them, at once! It would be so neat to have someone make them actually like professionally pretty. But there’s nobody in this city who’d want to go with me, I’d never actually be able to make myself go alone, and then I mean, I could just file my own stupid nails and paint them, why do I need to go and have some other person do that for me? I’m only going to go to the farm the week after next and destroy my hands entirely. I’m toying with the idea of getting my BFF to go do a spa thing with me, though. I’ve never in my life had a professional massage and people say they’re great. And she’s so stressed, maybe it would be good? But then I’d be on my way directly to the farm, there’s literally no reason to have nice nails for like, 24 hours before I wreck them. Maybe I can just skip the manicure part. If I could find the huge box of emery boards I saw the other day that is somewhere in my kitchen or living room, I could just fix my own damn nails right now, but I can’t find them and I’m too proud to buy another box and also it would require me to make a stop that is not on my Regular Route and that’s basically Unthinkable, why am I like this.
I have felt awkward and out of sorts all day ever since my weird self-reblog this morning where I bizarrely self-recced Lost Kings because I just feel so weird self-reccing but surely it’s not that weird to do that when it’s topical but surely anyone who wanted to read it already has and if they’re not it’s a bad idea to call any more attention to it because they’re being polite and not saying anything because they hate it and uhhh god why am I so awkward. I don’t think it’s weird when other people do it why do I think it’s weird that I did. Shut up B, either delete the post or press on forward and pretend it never happened, that’s how this works. the social contract mandates not talking about some things.
I forgot the nice part of the evening, though, which was that Dude sat on the other side of the couch like we always do, and he was busy doing a thing and so was I, but we kept showing one another funny things we saw on our computers. And I sort of noticed, while I was waiting for him to react to a thing, that I was really invested in him reacting favorably, and when he laughed I was so delighted, because his opinions are really important to me and I feel very clever when I succeed in amusing him. Which I do often, because I know him well. And when I say it like that it sounds dumb and weird and codependent, but in real life it’s really not. I guess I’m not explaining it very well. oh my god some people have relationships where they talk about their feelings, we were out with dude’s coworkers and several of them were hilariously recounting the soppy ways they’d proposed to their fiancees and i was like on the one hand i would die if some nerd wrote me a fucking poem and tried to read it to me in a restaurant and also i would die of anxiety if i had a ring to worry about that cost more than a hundred dollars but on the other hand what would that even be like, to have someone– i don’t know– unambiguously express strong feelings. i don’t know what my reaction would be. i wouldn’t know. (I think the sappiest thing dude has ever said to me is something along the lines of “you’re kind of terrifying” but i don’t remember verbatim.)
One of the bad parts of this evening is that my, I don’t know what to call her, the woman I had my first ever serious relationship with, who I instantly bonded with and was soulmates with for a year, who I miss basically every day but with whom I fell out of touch because this was before the Internet was easy to use and now that she’s on Facebook I feel like I’d be weird if I reached out to her, I broke up with her literally eighteen, nineteen years ago Jesus Christ, so I think about talking to her like all the time but I never do– anyway, she lives in London and I remember how she called me sobbing on 9/11 because she didn’t understand that I lived 300 miles away from NYC and I kind of want to send her a wibbly message that i hope she’s okay and all but I feel like it would be super weird of me to do that so I just keep opening her Facebook page (last updated 2 days ago, cute pictures of her kids, I let myself like every other post once in a while but I liked that last one so I’m not allowed to click on anything and be weird) and then closing it again. There’s no call for me to feelingsvomit at her, and I don’t think I could send a message without doing that, and in fact I just don’t see any way for myself not to be either an asshole, a weirdo, or super callous, so I’m just going to keep opening and then closing her Facebook page. No big! It’s cool! It’s how we do!
how does anyone live in this world i just don’t understand
oh my god I have to stop looking at Twitter, I was doing a little better on there because of the trainwreck of the Russia investigation thing and how people seem to be paying attention to that but then I was reading about the last-minute ACHA shit they’re doing in desperation to ram this thing through and it’s so awful and I don’t understand why, why would anyone want this, there’s not even a pretense of it being better for any actual citizen, nobody’s even pretending anymore, ugh
I spent most of the day half-checked-out, and I was sort of faintly worried about it because seriously, I lost hours, I don’t remember what I was doing for huge chunks of today, but Dude said the same thing was happening to him, so maybe it’s just today. Nobody could keep their attention on anything at all, so it’s surely not just me. Anyway I was slightly productive at non-computer things tonight– I mean, mostly, I did a bunch of housework, but for me that’s really something– mostly because I was procrastinating going to the grocery store, but at least it was something.
There’s really nothing to eat in the house except Blue Apron meals. I’m really hungry and I’m a little worried I won’t be able to sleep through the night because I’ll wake up hungry, but there’s basically nothing in the house I can eat, so there’s no help for it. I tried, I started making a grocery list. It’s cool though, I did a bunch of dishes and emptied all the garbage cans and cleaned the sink. How sad is that: it’s so sad. Anyway.
I want to get a manicure because all my nails are long and that never happens. All of them, at once! It would be so neat to have someone make them actually like professionally pretty. But there’s nobody in this city who’d want to go with me, I’d never actually be able to make myself go alone, and then I mean, I could just file my own stupid nails and paint them, why do I need to go and have some other person do that for me? I’m only going to go to the farm the week after next and destroy my hands entirely. I’m toying with the idea of getting my BFF to go do a spa thing with me, though. I’ve never in my life had a professional massage and people say they’re great. And she’s so stressed, maybe it would be good? But then I’d be on my way directly to the farm, there’s literally no reason to have nice nails for like, 24 hours before I wreck them. Maybe I can just skip the manicure part. If I could find the huge box of emery boards I saw the other day that is somewhere in my kitchen or living room, I could just fix my own damn nails right now, but I can’t find them and I’m too proud to buy another box and also it would require me to make a stop that is not on my Regular Route and that’s basically Unthinkable, why am I like this.
I have felt awkward and out of sorts all day ever since my weird self-reblog this morning where I bizarrely self-recced Lost Kings because I just feel so weird self-reccing but surely it’s not that weird to do that when it’s topical but surely anyone who wanted to read it already has and if they’re not it’s a bad idea to call any more attention to it because they’re being polite and not saying anything because they hate it and uhhh god why am I so awkward. I don’t think it’s weird when other people do it why do I think it’s weird that I did. Shut up B, either delete the post or press on forward and pretend it never happened, that’s how this works. the social contract mandates not talking about some things.
I forgot the nice part of the evening, though, which was that Dude sat on the other side of the couch like we always do, and he was busy doing a thing and so was I, but we kept showing one another funny things we saw on our computers. And I sort of noticed, while I was waiting for him to react to a thing, that I was really invested in him reacting favorably, and when he laughed I was so delighted, because his opinions are really important to me and I feel very clever when I succeed in amusing him. Which I do often, because I know him well. And when I say it like that it sounds dumb and weird and codependent, but in real life it’s really not. I guess I’m not explaining it very well. oh my god some people have relationships where they talk about their feelings, we were out with dude’s coworkers and several of them were hilariously recounting the soppy ways they’d proposed to their fiancees and i was like on the one hand i would die if some nerd wrote me a fucking poem and tried to read it to me in a restaurant and also i would die of anxiety if i had a ring to worry about that cost more than a hundred dollars but on the other hand what would that even be like, to have someone– i don’t know– unambiguously express strong feelings. i don’t know what my reaction would be. i wouldn’t know. (I think the sappiest thing dude has ever said to me is something along the lines of “you’re kind of terrifying” but i don’t remember verbatim.)
One of the bad parts of this evening is that my, I don’t know what to call her, the woman I had my first ever serious relationship with, who I instantly bonded with and was soulmates with for a year, who I miss basically every day but with whom I fell out of touch because this was before the Internet was easy to use and now that she’s on Facebook I feel like I’d be weird if I reached out to her, I broke up with her literally eighteen, nineteen years ago Jesus Christ, so I think about talking to her like all the time but I never do– anyway, she lives in London and I remember how she called me sobbing on 9/11 because she didn’t understand that I lived 300 miles away from NYC and I kind of want to send her a wibbly message that i hope she’s okay and all but I feel like it would be super weird of me to do that so I just keep opening her Facebook page (last updated 2 days ago, cute pictures of her kids, I let myself like every other post once in a while but I liked that last one so I’m not allowed to click on anything and be weird) and then closing it again. There’s no call for me to feelingsvomit at her, and I don’t think I could send a message without doing that, and in fact I just don’t see any way for myself not to be either an asshole, a weirdo, or super callous, so I’m just going to keep opening and then closing her Facebook page. No big! It’s cool! It’s how we do!
how does anyone live in this world i just don’t understand
