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sugarspiceandcursewords replied to your post “validate me”
You are killing it and he is being a slug, and I imagine that saying so would change little but might feel good for a minute, so ��♀️
mhalachai replied to your post “validate me”
dude. dude, *no*. I’m sorry things are happening like this. is there any way that you can take a break from everything except work for a bit same as him? (I live alone and have no idea if that’s even a thing).
Thanks, guys, that’s really all I needed. It’s all fairly minor but it’s bothering me a lot.
(edited to add: hm: i’m replying to replies in this post, and in the edit window, the replies show up, above, but when i look at the published post they don’t, so. sorry if this is nonsense, but tumblr is a fucking hellsite.)
The joy of all of this is that I can totally see how from his POV he’s just stressed-out by work and sort of just curling up and ignoring life, and it’s all perfectly reasonable, but listen, I <i>also</i> am stressed out from work and exhausted, and maybe it puts strain on him when I spend long periods of time away from home but guess who else it puts strain on? But I go there in part because there, while I’m working 18 hours of the day, so is everyone else, and so to come back here and now be the only person who apparently thinks food is a civilized human need is rather a strain on me as well.
Him taking this week off, which maybe was a break he needed, meant that I had to work double-time. And no, he didn’t ask me to do any of it, but if I hadn’t done it, we would have both been miserable. I’m not asking him to, like, repay me or whatever, but I absolutely want him to at least <i>acknowledge</i> that this happened. Him not doing any cooking or dishes for a week is not something that only affects him. No, he did not <i>ask</i> me to take over the entire running of the household for a full week (and I also had to feed the cat several times, which is something he usually is in charge of), but abdicating all responsibility is exactly the same as demanding I take charge, in effect. It is not different and it is irresponsible to pretend it is.
We have a ritual where every morning I get up early and make the coffee, and then he gets out of bed and puts the coffee into cups for us, and he was so sluggish that there was one morning I just wound up standing there doing dishes the whole time the coffee was brewing, and poured myself coffee in the end, and he never acknowledged or mentioned that either.
None of this would have bothered me quite so badly if at any point he had apologized, or at least sort of said– thanks, I’m feeling poorly, I’m glad you could step in. It feels like he’s just expected me to keep things running– no, worse, like he just hasn’t noticed whether things are running or not, and that’s what stings at this point– that I don’t even know that he’s bothered to notice that I’ve kept the house running this whole time without any input, and it’s been rather difficult. I’m just sort of crushing myself under the knowledge that if I bring this up, he’s going to be Horribly Wounded and Blindsided by the whole thing, because from his perspective, he’s just been living his life and I’ve done all these things because I wanted to, surely, and how is it his fault that I wanted to do all this stuff, he never asked me to and it’s not his fault that he didn’t notice it was happening.
I know, in his mind, I’m at fault for every bit of mess in the house because it’s me leaving stuff all over– but like at the moment, there’s a big cardboard box in the middle of the kitchen floor? that’s the box all the food I got from the farm in payment for helping with turkeys was in. I unloaded the car, I brought it into the kitchen, I put all the food into the freezer, I ran out of steam because he wasn’t doing jackshit and I had to do all kinds of other stuff too, and now the box is sitting there and it will sit there until the end of time because I forgot to clean it away while I had momentum and I don’t have it now, because I also have to do literally everything else in the house. That’s the kind of mess that’s My Fault in the house, and he doesn’t dare touch that box because I get mad when he moves my stuff, right? Dude that is the box I brought you food in, you’re allowed to tidy. Also all the recycling sitting by the sink that he emptied and set there and now clearly believes is stuff of mine. I never touched it, but it’s my mess. This sort of thing spirals.
So I’ve been fantasizing about just… slowly moving out. Taking the things I care about and moving them to the farm and putting them into the tiny house or into storage with the craft supplies. Eventually I’ll pack a suitcase to come back here. And he’ll be surrounded by his own garbage and still believing it’s my crap and he can’t touch it. It’s not that he can’t, it’s that he won’t.
ARRRGHHH.
I’m very happy in my relationship, believe it or not, but I’m sick and fucking tired of the dynamics that grow themselves up without any input on anyone’s part apparently, and that’s the problem, one of us doesn’t think there have to be any inputs and the other one is redirecting her inputs into other areas of her life because it’s so goddamned unrewarding.
sugarspiceandcursewords replied to your post “validate me”
You are killing it and he is being a slug, and I imagine that saying so would change little but might feel good for a minute, so ��♀️
mhalachai replied to your post “validate me”
dude. dude, *no*. I’m sorry things are happening like this. is there any way that you can take a break from everything except work for a bit same as him? (I live alone and have no idea if that’s even a thing).
Thanks, guys, that’s really all I needed. It’s all fairly minor but it’s bothering me a lot.
(edited to add: hm: i’m replying to replies in this post, and in the edit window, the replies show up, above, but when i look at the published post they don’t, so. sorry if this is nonsense, but tumblr is a fucking hellsite.)
The joy of all of this is that I can totally see how from his POV he’s just stressed-out by work and sort of just curling up and ignoring life, and it’s all perfectly reasonable, but listen, I <i>also</i> am stressed out from work and exhausted, and maybe it puts strain on him when I spend long periods of time away from home but guess who else it puts strain on? But I go there in part because there, while I’m working 18 hours of the day, so is everyone else, and so to come back here and now be the only person who apparently thinks food is a civilized human need is rather a strain on me as well.
Him taking this week off, which maybe was a break he needed, meant that I had to work double-time. And no, he didn’t ask me to do any of it, but if I hadn’t done it, we would have both been miserable. I’m not asking him to, like, repay me or whatever, but I absolutely want him to at least <i>acknowledge</i> that this happened. Him not doing any cooking or dishes for a week is not something that only affects him. No, he did not <i>ask</i> me to take over the entire running of the household for a full week (and I also had to feed the cat several times, which is something he usually is in charge of), but abdicating all responsibility is exactly the same as demanding I take charge, in effect. It is not different and it is irresponsible to pretend it is.
We have a ritual where every morning I get up early and make the coffee, and then he gets out of bed and puts the coffee into cups for us, and he was so sluggish that there was one morning I just wound up standing there doing dishes the whole time the coffee was brewing, and poured myself coffee in the end, and he never acknowledged or mentioned that either.
None of this would have bothered me quite so badly if at any point he had apologized, or at least sort of said– thanks, I’m feeling poorly, I’m glad you could step in. It feels like he’s just expected me to keep things running– no, worse, like he just hasn’t noticed whether things are running or not, and that’s what stings at this point– that I don’t even know that he’s bothered to notice that I’ve kept the house running this whole time without any input, and it’s been rather difficult. I’m just sort of crushing myself under the knowledge that if I bring this up, he’s going to be Horribly Wounded and Blindsided by the whole thing, because from his perspective, he’s just been living his life and I’ve done all these things because I wanted to, surely, and how is it his fault that I wanted to do all this stuff, he never asked me to and it’s not his fault that he didn’t notice it was happening.
I know, in his mind, I’m at fault for every bit of mess in the house because it’s me leaving stuff all over– but like at the moment, there’s a big cardboard box in the middle of the kitchen floor? that’s the box all the food I got from the farm in payment for helping with turkeys was in. I unloaded the car, I brought it into the kitchen, I put all the food into the freezer, I ran out of steam because he wasn’t doing jackshit and I had to do all kinds of other stuff too, and now the box is sitting there and it will sit there until the end of time because I forgot to clean it away while I had momentum and I don’t have it now, because I also have to do literally everything else in the house. That’s the kind of mess that’s My Fault in the house, and he doesn’t dare touch that box because I get mad when he moves my stuff, right? Dude that is the box I brought you food in, you’re allowed to tidy. Also all the recycling sitting by the sink that he emptied and set there and now clearly believes is stuff of mine. I never touched it, but it’s my mess. This sort of thing spirals.
So I’ve been fantasizing about just… slowly moving out. Taking the things I care about and moving them to the farm and putting them into the tiny house or into storage with the craft supplies. Eventually I’ll pack a suitcase to come back here. And he’ll be surrounded by his own garbage and still believing it’s my crap and he can’t touch it. It’s not that he can’t, it’s that he won’t.
ARRRGHHH.
I’m very happy in my relationship, believe it or not, but I’m sick and fucking tired of the dynamics that grow themselves up without any input on anyone’s part apparently, and that’s the problem, one of us doesn’t think there have to be any inputs and the other one is redirecting her inputs into other areas of her life because it’s so goddamned unrewarding.
