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The perfect movie doesn't exi--
Jan. 25th, 2020 12:33 amvia https://ift.tt/2TYgZX5
ruinedchildhood:
WHAT THE FUCK
OK so yesterday I was at work. [Manager] comes upstairs to our department with his laptop and says to my coworker, “I have to show you the stupidest thing ever.” I had an errand to do downstairs, so I left them to it– they’ve been pals since the 90s so usually I don’t involve myself in their shenanigans.
I got downstairs and there were no customers so there was a movie playing on one of the photo lab computers, and there was a bunch of banging and yelling and the two employees present were staring at it with bemused expressions. So I wandered around behind the counter just in time to see a bunch of ninjas fighting a man in a very unconvincing dinosaur costume. (Like… the body was upright until about the level of a man’s head, and then bent 90 degrees forward and became a sideways dinosaur torso, and there was very clearly nowhere for the person inside it to look out, so they were just flailing around.) One of the ninjas shot the dinosaur costume with an arrow, whereupon there was a quick cut and then there was a man there, screaming, holding the arrow protruding from his leg.
“Hey guys,” I said. “What the fuck?”
“[Manager] put this on and left,” one of the employees said.
The ninjas were attacking the man, and he grabs the lead ninja’s head. There is a cut, and then he is holding the head of a mannequin with bushy eyebrows glued to it. He wrenches it off, and holds it up, screaming. “AAAAAAARRRRGGHHH,” he goes, vibrating slightly, for an awkwardly long time, I’d estimate about a minute and a half to two minutes. There is ample time to notice that 1) the body he wrenched the head off has a mechanical pump squirting blood across his face, 2) the mannequin head is really obviously a mannequin head, and 3) the man’s hands are covered by unconvincing dinosaur gloves.
After he has finished yelling for two minutes, the man tosses the head into the air, flipping it around to catch it so that the extremely unconvincing glued-on bushy eyebrows are facing the camera. He then proceeds to yell “AAAAAAAARRRRGHHH” again for about a minute and a half. Then there is a freeze-frame, and yellow text appears overlaying his gore-streaked face. I don’t remember the exact quote, but it says something to the effect of, “Only when violence has been destroyed can we know true peace,” more or less. The text hangs there for approximately forty-five seconds, and then beneath it, an attribution appears: “Gandhi.”
“What the fuck,” I said again.
“Yeah I don’t know either,” said the employee.
I went back upstairs. “He’s a pastor, see,” [Manager] was saying. “But also he can turn into a dinosaur.”
“You’re right,” my coworker said, “that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.”
So, by sheer coincidence, I have actually seen the climax of The VelociPastor, approximately twenty-four hours before having this shitpost cross my dashboard.
What the actual fuck you guys.
ruinedchildhood:
WHAT THE FUCK
OK so yesterday I was at work. [Manager] comes upstairs to our department with his laptop and says to my coworker, “I have to show you the stupidest thing ever.” I had an errand to do downstairs, so I left them to it– they’ve been pals since the 90s so usually I don’t involve myself in their shenanigans.
I got downstairs and there were no customers so there was a movie playing on one of the photo lab computers, and there was a bunch of banging and yelling and the two employees present were staring at it with bemused expressions. So I wandered around behind the counter just in time to see a bunch of ninjas fighting a man in a very unconvincing dinosaur costume. (Like… the body was upright until about the level of a man’s head, and then bent 90 degrees forward and became a sideways dinosaur torso, and there was very clearly nowhere for the person inside it to look out, so they were just flailing around.) One of the ninjas shot the dinosaur costume with an arrow, whereupon there was a quick cut and then there was a man there, screaming, holding the arrow protruding from his leg.
“Hey guys,” I said. “What the fuck?”
“[Manager] put this on and left,” one of the employees said.
The ninjas were attacking the man, and he grabs the lead ninja’s head. There is a cut, and then he is holding the head of a mannequin with bushy eyebrows glued to it. He wrenches it off, and holds it up, screaming. “AAAAAAARRRRGGHHH,” he goes, vibrating slightly, for an awkwardly long time, I’d estimate about a minute and a half to two minutes. There is ample time to notice that 1) the body he wrenched the head off has a mechanical pump squirting blood across his face, 2) the mannequin head is really obviously a mannequin head, and 3) the man’s hands are covered by unconvincing dinosaur gloves.
After he has finished yelling for two minutes, the man tosses the head into the air, flipping it around to catch it so that the extremely unconvincing glued-on bushy eyebrows are facing the camera. He then proceeds to yell “AAAAAAAARRRRGHHH” again for about a minute and a half. Then there is a freeze-frame, and yellow text appears overlaying his gore-streaked face. I don’t remember the exact quote, but it says something to the effect of, “Only when violence has been destroyed can we know true peace,” more or less. The text hangs there for approximately forty-five seconds, and then beneath it, an attribution appears: “Gandhi.”
“What the fuck,” I said again.
“Yeah I don’t know either,” said the employee.
I went back upstairs. “He’s a pastor, see,” [Manager] was saying. “But also he can turn into a dinosaur.”
“You’re right,” my coworker said, “that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.”
So, by sheer coincidence, I have actually seen the climax of The VelociPastor, approximately twenty-four hours before having this shitpost cross my dashboard.
What the actual fuck you guys.
