dragonlady7

For some reason, I've gotten out of the habit of updating livejournal. Just recently. I don't know why. I sat around on the weekend and had nothing to do for a while and was like, I feel all unexpressed and need to express myself, yadda yadda... and I didn't think to use livejournal.
I think part of it is that I don't like the web client, but can't trust ANY of the OS X clients to not eat my entries. The last time I had a really heartfelt entry, Xjournal ate it and didn't even burp.
So.
Sigh.
I'm working on articles to post on my website. I finally got all my samples up, and I checked my server logs and had a whole lot of traffic. I mean... people from eight or nine countries kinda traffic. Not a whole lot, but I've got links in the forums I post in, and people are following those links.
I wish they had something more to look at, but I'm so frazzled, I don't know what to work on first. Here's what I have to do.
1. Write a series of four articles on starting your own business, and create contract and invoice templates in Word and Excel to post on my site as resources.
2. Finish laying out and correcting my site, so that it looks professional.
3. Clean the apartment from top to bottom because my sister's coming over and the place looks a wreck.
4. Buy a gift for a co-worker who's having a baby.
5. Buy some underpants for a really weird chain letter gift thing.

I have to go to the mall for the last two. I have to be at home for the first three. I figure those things listed there will cumulatively take me four days.
I have two.
What should I do?
They all have to be done this week.
I'm fucking exhausted.
I do not want to do any more work.

I am being productive at work. But if I'm productive at work, I'm not productive at home.
Lately I've been going to bed early and getting up early, but I just couldn't make the extremely-early thing work, because I've had to ask Dave questions lately and can't do that at three. I just haven't been interested. I can't do any cleaning at that hour because cleaning involves banging things around and I'm trying not to alienate the neighbors.
It's... I don't know. I just feel... STUCK. I can't DO anything. I feel like my evenings are so ridiculously short. I get home from work, I putter, I go to bed, I get up, I putter, I go to work, and suddenly another week's gone by and I have so much shit to do and haven't even started it. Bleagh.
So, there's no way I can participate in NaNoWriMo this year. Too bad, but I can't. I have a deadline-- by the 1 of Nov., my site has to be up, complete, totally functioning, and beautiful. On the 1st, I have to begin intensively promoting myself in places besides the forums. I have to start looking at job postings and applying as a freelancer. I have to start publishing articles in newsletters and such. I have to make myself known as a freelance writer. I have to start getting jobs on my own. I have to figure out how to get a steady stream of them.
Because I have to be able to quit my job and become a full-time freelancer (by which I mean making enough in a year to not need other income) by the spring. That's my goal. I. Need. To. Get. Out. Of. Here.
I'm just stuck here. I'm halfway between two places, and consequently I'm not fully in either, and am not doing anything of use in either. I'm not an effective employee of my company. Neither am I an effective freelance writer. I'm useless at either, but that's not going to get any better unless I really work at being a writer, or give up on the idea entirely.
I'm not giving up-- I just had another writer contact me and say she loved my samples and would like to outsource work to me if she has too much coming in. That would be excellent for me, but isn't exactly going to cement my reputation as a writer-- it all goes through her, so I'm not doing any of the selling or promotion, and my name's not really attached to the product. So...
I might look into doing more of that, though. Into being the one who does the extra work more widely known writers don't have time for. I don't know that I'd like it-- but I don't know that I wouldn't. Anyway, it's something to consider.
At least I have the reassurance that I'm an excellent writer after all, and it's not just in my head. I *can* do this. I just have to get off my ass and DO it.
Hmm...
I should download a demo of Dreamweaver just to get the freaking site up and running. Because I'm comfortable and familiar with Dreamweaver and can do what I must, and once the framework is up, I'll be perfectly able to edit portions of it by hand as needed to maintain the site. I just need something quick now.
I think I'll do that tonight.
Crap, I also have to go to the mall tonight.
God damn it, I'm sick of my stupid life being so hard to manage. I just can't work 9-5. I'm more certain than ever that I have to work for myself on my own hours. Because I'm perfectly capable of working for hours and hours at a stretch, but sometimes I just need to spend the morning cooking and cleaning. As it is, I spend the time I feel physically active sitting at my desk, and I spend the time I feel mentally active trying to sleep, and I have to clean the house but I never ever ever feel like it when I'm at home, so I end up cleaning the kitchen at work (I've done this twice) and scrubbing the grime off the door I go through every day (I did that the other morning when I happened to have a wet paper towel in my hand when I went through the door and noticed for the umpteenth time how filthy and gross it was) and my apartment is a shambles, the frog cage is a disgusting mess, my desk at work is immaculate, and my bedroom is unenterable.
I need to set my own hours, more than I need anything else in the world. I also need to escape office politics and dress codes. It doesn't work for me, I end up getting psycho and weird, I end up wasting great chunks of my life. I can't believe it's already October, but it's already almost November already and where does the time go? It goes down the tubes while I sit at work. I spent a day at home, weeks ago-- I took a sick day, and just stayed home. It was great. The day felt like it was 18 hours long and I loved every minute of it. I got tons of work done, and the apartment was beautiful when Dave got home. I had made a fabulous dinner, I had scrubbed the tub, I had vaccuumed, I had worked on my website, I had written livejournal entries like I used to, I had enjoyed myself immensely.
...
Maybe I should take another sick day and see what i can get done. But, I'm in the middle of an urgent project, so I can't just now. And, I need to save my sick days so I can get a paycheck in December. I've promised Dave we can spend Xmas AND his birthday in Buffalo. And I don't care to break those promises, but I have no time off, so I'll be unpaid. So it'll probably cost me $700 to take that time off. I don't have $700. But that's how it works-- I need to do it, so I will. With any luck, I'll have gotten paid for some of my freelancing stuff by then. Sigh.
Anyhow. This is getting too long, and I have things I need to do at work. So, I'll post it.