cleaning. sporadically.
May. 21st, 2003 11:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragonlady7Aw man, I'd promised myself if I was good and cleaned I could call Dave tonight, but by the time I remembered it was too late. Bummer.
I did clean. I didn't clean as much as I'd wanted to, but I cleaned a lot. I cleaned Dave's room, for the most part. It's immaculate now. Then I started on my room. But man, there just isn't room for everything. I just can't clean it. Bollocks. I need to reorganize or something, but I can't. There's no other way to put it all. Yechh. What I need is to get rid of this bed and get a smaller one. Or put my bed out in the living room. Or something, man. I just can't fit my desk and bed in the same place. And I'm out of options, really.
Icky-poo. I'm uninspired.
Dammit, I'm hungry. Oh well. I feel chubby tonight. I mean, I've been walking like four miles a day and have been strictly regulating my caloric intake, but what's happening is that I'm losing fat from my hips, gaining muscle in my legs, and in the end I look fatter and am heavier because muscle is denser than fat and with my hips slimmed down my waist and boobs look even bigger. So I'm getting that horrible inverted-triangle shape that's so unflattering on women. I know for certain I've lost no weight in my boobs, because my bras still don't fit. If anything, my boobs are still bigger. However. My waist is still also an inch bigger than it was. It will not get smaller. It absolutely refuses.
What I want most is for my belly to not be so fat. That's what looks awful. In pictures I see it and cringe. All the photos from the weekend before last, of Dave's family party, are wonderful except in the photos of me, my bra is showing and looks awful, and I have this bike tire of fat sticking out around my belly. Really, my boobs are only like four inches bigger than the fattest part of my fat fat belly. It's hideous. (I don't know that, I didn't measure. But it's really noticeably ugly, the fat rolls I mean.)
See, I often delude myself into believing that I'm really only fat in my own eyes and others don't notice. But no. That proves conclusively what a fat wench I am. And also makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with Dave, that he finds that attractive. It's really pretty gross.
And sitting here today I'm acutely aware of all the tummy flab. All my dieting and exercising does no good if it only reduces my hip and butt fat. Because those areas aren't so bad. As long as I'm roughly hourglass-shaped, it's not too awful. I just don't want to become a triangle. i really don't. Big boobs only look good when they're balanced out by hips. And for that, waists have to shrink.
But they refuse, and so I will remain fat and narsty. Oh well.
At least I can clean. Dave will either be pleased or not notice, as with many things.
Oh, I did book my ticket on Amtrak. I go Friday at 4:30. Which means getting out of work early. But my boss said it was OK once I pointed out how many extra hours I've worked this week. He's a nice fellow, or at least reasonable. You just have to be reasonable in return. Which I don't find too hard.
Now if only the boss boss of the company were like that... I swear, he's nuts. But at least I'm nearly done with the website. Blah, I'm getting tired of it.
Good night. I'm tired of being alone. Really. No more of this, OK?
I did clean. I didn't clean as much as I'd wanted to, but I cleaned a lot. I cleaned Dave's room, for the most part. It's immaculate now. Then I started on my room. But man, there just isn't room for everything. I just can't clean it. Bollocks. I need to reorganize or something, but I can't. There's no other way to put it all. Yechh. What I need is to get rid of this bed and get a smaller one. Or put my bed out in the living room. Or something, man. I just can't fit my desk and bed in the same place. And I'm out of options, really.
Icky-poo. I'm uninspired.
Dammit, I'm hungry. Oh well. I feel chubby tonight. I mean, I've been walking like four miles a day and have been strictly regulating my caloric intake, but what's happening is that I'm losing fat from my hips, gaining muscle in my legs, and in the end I look fatter and am heavier because muscle is denser than fat and with my hips slimmed down my waist and boobs look even bigger. So I'm getting that horrible inverted-triangle shape that's so unflattering on women. I know for certain I've lost no weight in my boobs, because my bras still don't fit. If anything, my boobs are still bigger. However. My waist is still also an inch bigger than it was. It will not get smaller. It absolutely refuses.
What I want most is for my belly to not be so fat. That's what looks awful. In pictures I see it and cringe. All the photos from the weekend before last, of Dave's family party, are wonderful except in the photos of me, my bra is showing and looks awful, and I have this bike tire of fat sticking out around my belly. Really, my boobs are only like four inches bigger than the fattest part of my fat fat belly. It's hideous. (I don't know that, I didn't measure. But it's really noticeably ugly, the fat rolls I mean.)
See, I often delude myself into believing that I'm really only fat in my own eyes and others don't notice. But no. That proves conclusively what a fat wench I am. And also makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with Dave, that he finds that attractive. It's really pretty gross.
And sitting here today I'm acutely aware of all the tummy flab. All my dieting and exercising does no good if it only reduces my hip and butt fat. Because those areas aren't so bad. As long as I'm roughly hourglass-shaped, it's not too awful. I just don't want to become a triangle. i really don't. Big boobs only look good when they're balanced out by hips. And for that, waists have to shrink.
But they refuse, and so I will remain fat and narsty. Oh well.
At least I can clean. Dave will either be pleased or not notice, as with many things.
Oh, I did book my ticket on Amtrak. I go Friday at 4:30. Which means getting out of work early. But my boss said it was OK once I pointed out how many extra hours I've worked this week. He's a nice fellow, or at least reasonable. You just have to be reasonable in return. Which I don't find too hard.
Now if only the boss boss of the company were like that... I swear, he's nuts. But at least I'm nearly done with the website. Blah, I'm getting tired of it.
Good night. I'm tired of being alone. Really. No more of this, OK?
this is from kat
Date: 2003-05-22 07:55 pm (UTC)