Oh man. I have to whine again.
May. 19th, 2003 02:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragonlady7But see, this is where I can whine so I don't whine to Dave. So feel free to look away. I'm just so thoroughly bummed...
I called Dave around lunch and found out that he's not coming home Tuesday, or Wednesday. He's coming home... the next Tuesday.
There's too much legal stuff for him to deal with, and all kinds of details that need to be sorted out, because his father left no will and indeed, hadn't really prepared at all for his own death because it was so unexpected. Which isn't uncommon, but is distressing.
Apparently they're in decent spirits and all, dealing with all this, but it's just... so many things, and he has to be there. So he's staying the rest of the week.
I started to cry a little and told him it was because they want me to do so much at work--- they want me to finish the project I've been working on for like six weeks now. They just want it done, but I have about two more weeks of work to do, but they don't care, they want it done. Which is enough to cry about even without feeling wretchedly lonesome and wanting a snuggle more than life itself.
So I sniffled it all back and told Dave that he should enjoy his time in Buffalo, and do all the things he'd been wanting to do for so long. Go to all the old bars and have a few; go see the landmarks you wanted to see; go to all the restaurants you'd been dying to go to; go shopping in all the stores you love; go to Canada and buy over-the-counter codeine; go to Weggie's and stock up on cheese bread or whatever you want there. And borrow your mother's digital cameras and take pictures of it all for me, so you can tell me about it later. I'd love that, I said sweetly, and hung up the phone and went and cried in the stairwell until someone came down it and I figured I'd better go clean up and eat lunch.
I so wanted him to come home and we could relax, just the two of us, and I could get all the snuggles and attention and sleep I needed... I just couldn't sleep in Buffalo, not for any length of time. I like to snuggle and then I sleep the best, and I can't get snuggles when I'm in a different city than he is.
So... sleep it is, I guess. That's all i can do. My frogs have crickets, at least, so i don't need the car to do anything. Because I have no car, of course.
So it had better not rain hard; the hills are slippery enough as it is. I fell twice this morning, just on the leaves.
Sigh.
Maybe I'll have a good cry tonight, and then some leftovers for dinner. It won't be so bad. It's just a week. I can live for a week.
He invited me to come out for Memorial Day weekend, but... well, it's $45 to Albany on Amtrak, and then another $50 to Buffalo. Failing that, it's $100 to Buffalo on JetBlue. I could just go see my mommy in Albany-- they'd give me some love and make me feel welcome and pay attention to me and give me hugs and not have such profound tragedies in their lives that my little troubles are worth nothing, because they're my parents and that's their job.
Right?
Right?
I want to see Dave, and I want to be in Buffalo and help them, but I don't... I don't know what I want. It costs me the same any way I slice it. I'm ok for money except that I just got my student loan bills for this month and I guess the one before, and I owe them nearly $500 in combination, which wipes out any of the extra money I have. I don't get it. I don't spend that much on anything. I have no good pairs of shoes at this point, and almost no clothing that actually fits me. I've bought almost nothing new. How is it that my money goes away???
Crap. Crap, crap, crap. Rent is due soon, and I can't afford to pay it. Can I? I don't know. My freaking bank's page won't load. It's been fifteen minutes and it won't load. If I can pay it I will, and I'll square up with Dave later, just so there's one less thing for him to worry about just now... Crap. I don't think I can. I really don't. I get paid this week... the money will be in by Friday... but I don't know if I've been docked for the days I spent in Buffalo... Dammit. Crap crap crap crap crap.
And I STILL owe my parents for the deposit on the apartment. I will never be able to save enough money. I thought I was making so much... and it all goes away. I can't save anything. Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap!!!!! for want of anything better to say.
My life freaking sucks. Sucks, man. Sucks sucks sucks. Sensing a theme, anyone? God dammit.
I called Dave around lunch and found out that he's not coming home Tuesday, or Wednesday. He's coming home... the next Tuesday.
There's too much legal stuff for him to deal with, and all kinds of details that need to be sorted out, because his father left no will and indeed, hadn't really prepared at all for his own death because it was so unexpected. Which isn't uncommon, but is distressing.
Apparently they're in decent spirits and all, dealing with all this, but it's just... so many things, and he has to be there. So he's staying the rest of the week.
I started to cry a little and told him it was because they want me to do so much at work--- they want me to finish the project I've been working on for like six weeks now. They just want it done, but I have about two more weeks of work to do, but they don't care, they want it done. Which is enough to cry about even without feeling wretchedly lonesome and wanting a snuggle more than life itself.
So I sniffled it all back and told Dave that he should enjoy his time in Buffalo, and do all the things he'd been wanting to do for so long. Go to all the old bars and have a few; go see the landmarks you wanted to see; go to all the restaurants you'd been dying to go to; go shopping in all the stores you love; go to Canada and buy over-the-counter codeine; go to Weggie's and stock up on cheese bread or whatever you want there. And borrow your mother's digital cameras and take pictures of it all for me, so you can tell me about it later. I'd love that, I said sweetly, and hung up the phone and went and cried in the stairwell until someone came down it and I figured I'd better go clean up and eat lunch.
I so wanted him to come home and we could relax, just the two of us, and I could get all the snuggles and attention and sleep I needed... I just couldn't sleep in Buffalo, not for any length of time. I like to snuggle and then I sleep the best, and I can't get snuggles when I'm in a different city than he is.
So... sleep it is, I guess. That's all i can do. My frogs have crickets, at least, so i don't need the car to do anything. Because I have no car, of course.
So it had better not rain hard; the hills are slippery enough as it is. I fell twice this morning, just on the leaves.
Sigh.
Maybe I'll have a good cry tonight, and then some leftovers for dinner. It won't be so bad. It's just a week. I can live for a week.
He invited me to come out for Memorial Day weekend, but... well, it's $45 to Albany on Amtrak, and then another $50 to Buffalo. Failing that, it's $100 to Buffalo on JetBlue. I could just go see my mommy in Albany-- they'd give me some love and make me feel welcome and pay attention to me and give me hugs and not have such profound tragedies in their lives that my little troubles are worth nothing, because they're my parents and that's their job.
Right?
Right?
I want to see Dave, and I want to be in Buffalo and help them, but I don't... I don't know what I want. It costs me the same any way I slice it. I'm ok for money except that I just got my student loan bills for this month and I guess the one before, and I owe them nearly $500 in combination, which wipes out any of the extra money I have. I don't get it. I don't spend that much on anything. I have no good pairs of shoes at this point, and almost no clothing that actually fits me. I've bought almost nothing new. How is it that my money goes away???
Crap. Crap, crap, crap. Rent is due soon, and I can't afford to pay it. Can I? I don't know. My freaking bank's page won't load. It's been fifteen minutes and it won't load. If I can pay it I will, and I'll square up with Dave later, just so there's one less thing for him to worry about just now... Crap. I don't think I can. I really don't. I get paid this week... the money will be in by Friday... but I don't know if I've been docked for the days I spent in Buffalo... Dammit. Crap crap crap crap crap.
And I STILL owe my parents for the deposit on the apartment. I will never be able to save enough money. I thought I was making so much... and it all goes away. I can't save anything. Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap!!!!! for want of anything better to say.
My life freaking sucks. Sucks, man. Sucks sucks sucks. Sensing a theme, anyone? God dammit.
