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dragonlady7Been working on stuff all evening. my brain doesn't work this way. i have to fight to pay attention to close my quotes and properly align my tables and all. i don't think this way. booleans are foreign. it's a hard logic that i have to wrap my brain around.
D. is being really supportive lately, and other D. is being very amusing... I dunno, I think everyone in the house is just in a good mood, for some reason. I don't know why, have no guesses to hazard, and appreciate it. It helps, i think, that I'm in a decent mood. Sad but not depressed about him leaving, but not unhappy mostly. i'm just sad to not see him.
but i've made a template page for my thesis, which is a tabular layout, and soon i'll start to work out what will go where so i can put in relative URLs for the links that I want to be on every page. This is a lot more thinking than I usually do, you must understand. I'm not having an easy time of it. No. Oof.
this is getting long, so i'll cut, just to save your scrolling fingers...
So treigylgweith'll get a lot more work soon to prepare it, and to organize things on my various webpages a little bit better.
My days of blithe online disorganization may have to come to an end.
I'm sleepy. And spring break is coming up. You realize I could leave Wednesday night for break, and yet, it wouldn't matter, as I have nowhere to go? So I'll be spending spring break WORKING. And hard.
I'll probably stop by the family home, though.
Man, I'll be bored senseless without D. and D. here. (oh dear. i can't call my housemates D&D; only one of them plays that game, and both admit it's horribly geeky. I don't think I can call them that. i think I'll refer to them as the boys. I usually do anyhow...)
Sigh. Still mildly depressed that I never came up with anything to do for my senior year, my last spring break ever.
Not even job interviews.
Nope.
Goin' nowhere fast, am I.
Though maybe, just maybe, if all works out, and I haven't a job yet, but somehow have some money, I could perhaps manage a cross-country road trip with my housemate who's planning on moving to California in late spring. That would be great, if all else works out (i.e. the dates are right, i have the time and money, and nobody else who's more important takes the slot in his car). I'd love to do that because I've seen so little of the US and I've become so fond of him and am not looking forward to his disappearance to the opposite coast. We've just developed a great relationship as housemates and friends this year and there's no-one else like him and I'll miss him awfully. He's what's made this year not only bearable but probably more fun than any other year here in Rochester. (late-night runs to the grocery store for cheese? expert fencing coaching with endless patience despite the fact that i suck? an introduction to most of the good music I listen to? much much Tahou's? who else would give me a hug after I total my car by running into his? where am I gonna find another housemate who'll do that? God I'm gonna miss him, the Chink bastard.)
So that would more than make up for a total lack of spring break.
Though, given my luck, it won't work out. So no sense getting my hopes up. But still, it would be awesome.
I have to not start getting sentimental about the end of the year now! I have too long left, too much left to do.
Sigh.
I'm so scared about all the changes that'll happen... I'm sure I'll be fine whatever I do, but I'm not so sure I'll be happy. It's easy for me to get by, but not for me to be happy. It's really hard for me to make friends, close good friends. And it's easy for me to trap myself in a miserable situation and actively avoid opportunities to get out of it out of some sense of misguided loyalty or helplessness. I don't have faith in myself to find a good place, a good situation, and good people to make myself a good life.
And the point of next year isn't a good life anyhow, it's a space filler until I figure out grad school.
Although I'm not discounting finding a killer job and enjoying it enough to stay there until my life makes no sense, and only then move on to grad school. There's no particular time frame. I have no allegiances. I have no concrete plans. But I don't feel free, I mostly feel resigned. I don't think I'll get a good job, or a good living situation, or a good group of friends, or a good whatever. I just can't envision it, can't see how to get it.
So I'm not optimistic. But I don't think I'm overly pessimistic either. I'm just numbingly neutral about it all. Neither really frightened nor really excited. Just... sort of sad. And resolutely focused on what lies between now and then.
Namely the thesis. Progress is slow. i'm a slow person. I'm disorganized. My surroundings are a mess and so is my mind. Finding anything is a real challenge, on my desktop or on the top of my desk. I have no idea where my postcard stamps went. I haven't done anything for my parents' upcoming 25th wedding anniversary (is that tomorrow? Yes, it is) and today I handed in my lab a day early panicked that it was late, when I was a day early. At least I remembered to hand in the homework assignment that was actually due today. On time. Yes.
Sigh.
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no subject
Date: 2002-03-05 06:09 am (UTC)she spent yesterday getting out of jury duty, and then talking to an overly talkative dentist about being in the army. (tell your sister thanks, but she can stop trying to find dentists for my sister to talk to now).
i have never spent spring break doing anything fun. in fact, i've always been miserable, because i had no choice but to be home. and now this year, i don't have a spring break!!
in any case, cheer up fruitcake. do some more labs, because, quite frankly, they are fun for me. ha ha ha.
i sent you a postcard this morning. i hope you find it before the summer starts. =-p
no subject
Date: 2002-03-05 09:21 am (UTC)Someday.
I've never spent a spring break doing anything cool. Not in college. (OK, now i sound really silly, but in high school i went to Greece once on a spring break, in 1995, and in the year between high school and college (when i was at high school again) i spent spring break in Spain. so. my complaints hold less weight, except to point out that my life has already started deteriorating into patheticness and the pinnacle of my coolness was probably when I was 3 and could spell "styracosaurus" even though i didn't even really know how to read.) But in college, even though I am free from any restraint by my parents, and have my own car, and could do anything I wanted if I only worked out how, I have done nothing but go home to my family's house and sit on my ass and go nowhere for spring break, for the last 4 years, and now I don't get spring break anymore.
Re:
Date: 2002-03-05 09:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-03-05 11:02 am (UTC)and we'll do something awesome.
better than any spring break ever.
Re:
Date: 2002-03-05 11:09 am (UTC)can we?
we'll rent a beach house, and stay for like, a month.
(riiiight. i am so delusional!)
ok, maybe 2 weeks.
Re:
Date: 2002-03-05 11:15 am (UTC)but it's possible.
anything's possible, if you put your mind to it!
actually, in all seriousness, something like virginia beach isn't that far or that expensive, and i have a car so we could drive, and i could fit 6 people, so... it's not totally beyond the realm of the possible. simply a question of time and money.
no subject
Date: 2002-03-05 09:18 am (UTC)Also *HUGS*, It will be okay, it has to. You have a lot of spunk!!!! you are like punky brewster, but prettier.
;)
Re:
Date: 2002-03-05 09:25 am (UTC)i thought it was a funny picture. hence its inclusion. (doesn't it kinda look like a drawing? i played with it a bunch in photoshop but at such a small size it just looks tidy.)
i just see no point in being mindlessly optimistic; it probably won't be an awesome year next year so there's no point psyching myself up to thinking that, because i'll just be disappointed. and if it does turn out to be awesome, so much the better. But it can't be that awesome or i'll never psych myself up for grad school...
from Liesl
Date: 2002-03-05 11:16 am (UTC)Seems to be a theme unless you're in some sort of organization, or have crazy, motivated friends... Chris manages trips, and you've met the people he goes with. :)
Re: from Liesl
Date: 2002-03-05 11:18 am (UTC)katy and her housemates went to florida as a final fling before they parted ways. it was very nice, and i'd thought perhaps i'd do something similar.
two years later, i see that i am not that kind of person. oh well.
Re: from Liesl
Date: 2002-03-05 01:15 pm (UTC)5 March 2002
Rah. Im hungry, so Im going to go eat soon then attempt to finish this econ hw thats so troubling.
I dont want to write today, and I forgot yesterday, so I guess that means two. Ill talk about JJ I guess.
Today JJ sent an e-mail chastising us all on our treatment of each other and her. I see no good coming of me replying in total honestly. J And I dont see the need to placate her and make her happy. People eat at 5, and its not like we treat her any differently if shes late, has a class, etc. First, people are hungry. I go alone if Im hungry when others arent. If she cant go alone, then she needs an assortment to take with her. We are not responsible for her problems. Second, people plan meetings around when dinner happens. I plan for 5, so Im going to eat then unless it pressing or I have a class at that strange hour. And really, its not even about that people dont like her that much, some even actively dislike her.
Re: from Liesl (side note continues)
Date: 2002-03-05 01:17 pm (UTC)She complains about people talking behind others' backs. Whenever I've heard about this I've asked, and been told, what it was about. We're in a large group and there are tensions. Ranting keeps us from fragmenting, and sometimes it's not just the people who rub the wrong way. It's some one who's being irritating just at the time. I don't see it as that big a deal. If we all just hung out with those we liked it wouldn't be necessary. However, then there is life.
And, that includes her for me. It's not that she's that bad- it's just I have things I'd rather do with my time than spend it with her. ::shrug:: She's not a bad person.
You know, I'm so tempted to reply Control, control, control she says she deserves more, why? How has she earned it? That's a Dave thing that I like people have to start from zero and EARN. Me I start you with A+++ and you have to work down, and I'm very forgiving. Means I spend a lot of time with people I don't like.
So blah. There's my JJ rant. My opinion of her is swayed somewhat by the people I like, which is normal, so I sometimes sound a lot more against her than I personally am but she annoys my friends, and I don't like that. The less tension the better.
Re: from Liesl (side note continues)
Date: 2002-03-05 01:38 pm (UTC)fiona's having that problem with her group of friends, too... there's one who keeps complaining that they don't include her in things, but then when they do, she complains that the things they do are no fun. the solution: go hang out with people who do fun things. But that's not what this girl wants; for some reason she's bent on them entertaining her.
Lots of people are like that, I guess.
A lot of people have a sense of entitlement. That's not uncommon, but it's also not cool.
Re: from Liesl (side note continues)
Date: 2002-03-05 06:04 pm (UTC)