mua ha ha

[dragonlady7]

i got the shit beaten out of my right hand today in fencing practice.
because i was fencing electric sabre!
yay!
happy happy happy.
I fenced one of the beginners first, John, and I was losing fairly convincingly-- i was attacking, and he was counterattacking, and I wasn't finishing my attacks so he was getting it. -- until someone realized that my weapon was malfunctioning, so that when I hit his blade at a certain angle, his light would go off. So THAT'S why his counterattacks were so universally successful-- they were parries! Hmph.
It didn't happen that many times, but just realizing that it wasn't ENTIRELY me being useless made me feel invincible, so I brought it back from 10-3 to win by 15-14. By doing what I know i have to do, and attacking, consistently and frequently, and FINISHING my attacks. It helped that Darius was directing, and he's very good at seeing actions. I'm not so good at it. But I know when I'm attacking. Darius is also good as a director because he knows what I in particular should be doing, because he and I have gone to so many tournaments now. So it was good. He also said over lunch that I'd fenced well. So I was pleased. John smacked me in the base of my thumb with his bell/blade at one point, actually twice, and it hurt like a motherfucker, but Willy pointed out that really all I need to do is rotate my wrist properly when parrying, and then that won't happen. He's right, of course. I'm not parrying properly. So I should learn to do that. And in the meantime, tape my hand, or something.
I also got to fence Darius, and that was fun. he trounced me, I don't remember the score, but I think I at least hit him a couple of times. So it wasn't so bad. And I didn't hurt him or myself. So it's all good.
*yawn* put Liesl on a train for Dave, who was at a meeting, so she's safely on board the last train from rochester to albany, and will be home tonight.
Am pondering taking a nap. I had another awful dream last night, that there were aliens who were killing everyone, and no one could stop them... they were in the house, and prowling around looking for everyone so they could kill them, and the only way to survive was to hide and stay completely still because they could see movement but couldn't recognize motionless humans.
Unfortuately they could imitate human voices, and so they would lure people out of hiding that way...
it was an awful dream, and wouldn't stop even after i woke up at 7 and lay in the sun (it was sunny today from like 6-9 am, and then it got suddenly crappy... dropped 25 degrees from the time i left for fencing to the time i came home... brr.) and then drifted off back to sleep and then i was dreaming the same damn awful dream! so annoying. So I woke up and doodled around on my computer until I realized there was fencing practice today. So I put some clothes on and dashed off to catch Darius before he left, so i could ride with him.
I left without any pants. I was wearing shorts. Tiny shorts. I wore them all through practice and didn't put my knickers on. Leg shots are rare in saber, and of course always unintentional, and it was good clean fun today. But when I came out after practice, brr!!! It was cold outside! Ah well. That's what leg fat's for, no? :) I was pleased; it's comfy to have mostly naked legs sometimes, and from my point of view my legs look really toned and buff lately. Rowr. Now if only that toned-ness extended up to my hips and my abs and love handles and such... ah well.
So I was cold, but now I'm warm. I'm not going outside for a while. Too windy. And BRRR!

Sigh. You know, it hasn't even been that long since max was last here, just about a month now, but it seems like forever. Aw. I miss him. *sigh* guess I'd better get used to it.
This is a pretty song-- I'd never heard Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Someday Never Comes" before, and I like it. I'd never really listened to much of their stuff, until Darius was playing it the other night. I also like "As Long As I Can See The Light", which I'd heard before but never listened to.
I also really like that song on the Peacemakers' latest album (Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers) where one line of the refrain is "Buffalo..." (not the city, i'm guessing), but i don't know the name of the song, so i haven't found it online. I really should just buy the album. Yup yup.
Ah well. My eyes are tired. I'm annoyed, my prescription has changed but I have all these contact lenses, and it makes my head feel funny to wear them... but i like them... i'd wear contacts more if they didn't make me feel like there was pressure building behind my eyes, from the effort it takes to focus... I wonder if I can return the extras and get new ones with the proper prescription.
ah well. enough now. leaving. bored. BORED! entertain me! How come none of you are writing me love letters or humorous essays on the horror stories of your lives? C'mon, nobody's posting!
yawn.
actually i think i'll just take a nap.

Comments

Liesl

[(Anonymous)]

My weird angst (this from my freewrite journal for poetry and some extra stuff):

3 March 2002
Here I am back in Troy. It was a lovely weekend. I’m worried I have too much invested in my relationship with Dave. Maybe I’m just being insecure. I don’t know. I feel like it’s not enough to tell him I love him and when I screw up I have trouble shaking it off. Honestly, if we were living together it might surprise me that he’d come home at night and hadn’t left me. Maybe that’s a little beyond what I feel, but it’s that kind of thing. I don’t really understand why he’s with me. What am I doing right?
Bridget very nicely drove me to the trian station. I should have hung out with her more this weekend. They go so quickly and I’m starting to feel almost like I don’t see Dave. I’m severely under-cuddled, and he can’t make it up in the time we have. I like hold tightly he holds me sometimes. I not fond of waking up alone.
It’s starting to be a problem that he’s so far away. I don’t want to say he’s my motivation to live, because that’s not quite right, perhaps, he’s my focus. In any event it’s not good. He’s not around much and it’s a problem. I have trouble focussing and I feel like sleeping a lot. When it’s close to when I’m going to see him I suddebly feel like getting lots of things done so I don’t have to do anything when he’s here or I’m there.
It’s so lonley at night. I’d rather be asleep because my dreams are interesting and pass the time more quickly, or I wish he were there because I wake up from nightmares. He holds me nicely at night. He has incredible skin.

Liesl continues

[(Anonymous)]

So, I meant to talk to Bridie about her poem and her dad, etc. But there’s not enough time. I don’t dare miss a moment withour Dave because I’m NOT going to see him later. It’s not like he’ll go to his meeting and I’ll see him later… no, I left on a train.
That’s hardly fair. Bridget’s known me longer. I’ve always been rather boyfriend-focussed anyway.
::sigh::
I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I wonder what he thinks about…
Well, I seem to have lost my train of thought. Dave… but that’s usually the best guess.
I’m back in Troy now. It’s rain/snowing. Appearantly it was warm this morning and didn’t cool down as rapidly as in Rochester.
I started a letter on the train back to Dave.
What can I do to make it stop hurting?

The extra bit:
He shook me off last night at the party when I hugged him.

Re: Liesl continues

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

you need an lj account.
i'll give you a code.
you can write as long as you want in there.
it's kinda like FamilyPoint, actually, just set up differently and more focused on the individual...

So I know what you mean about all of that. That's how I felt; I thought I was too focused on Panda, and he didn't feel even remotely the same. so I thought, I have to de-emphasize how i think of him.
I didn't end up really changing how I felt, but the idea was important. I have to structure my life so I come first. That was the whole point of being sort-of-with him to begin with. First me. First I enjoy myself. He then is supplement, is bonus.
This, I've found, is the only way I can really be happy.
You might want to try focusing on making yourself happy. I don't think this will add any distance between the two of you.
And as for him shaking you off when you hugged him, he's not a physical person. It used to piss me off when Ursula was always trying to hold my hand. I don't want to be connected to someone all the time. I need to stand by myself and breathe. And Dave is even more like that than me. So. Don't even give it another thought; that was certainly not about you, that was about neurons and social conditioning.

Re: Liesl continues

[(Anonymous)]

He usually holds my hand, which is nice. I just meant to hug him, and usually he's okay with that. I guess he thought I was hanging on him, and these were co-workers, etc... ?? why that would matter? Anyway, he did apologize, but I still feel hurt.

I would be doing better with all this except for the distance. I'm not sure how to focus on me more... I get so into relationships. There's just this big void where he ought to be most of the time. I don't have anyone I can count on on a regular basis here. They all love me, and some of them will even cuddle me, but it's not the same. I don't even have a best friend. I miss Emma so much sometimes.
It's not just a Dave thing is what it comes down to. My friends are good, wonderful people, but they don't have everything I need covered well enough. I realize that's my fault too. Then there's school and finding a job. I think I'm just not feeling very stable.

this is an unstable time of life.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

you just have to learn to depend on yourself for your own happiness. If your happiness comes from something only another person can give you then you'll be vulnerable to unhappiness your whole life.
but if you learn to make yourself happy you'll probably be able to feel more stable.
well. i don't know; i don't ever have relationships so it's never a question of them making me happy, and i'm still somewhat unstable. but i think this is as stable as i get, and if i were reliant on others for my happiness, i'd be even less stable.
so really you have to try to give yourself what it is you want. stop focusing on what you don't have and what you can't get, and don't pay any attention to the vast void that is supposed to be filled by Somebody.
i will say that a lot of my current instability is due to my lack of A Best Friend; I do often feel, when I'm down, that there is nobody who would really care because they like me that much. And it's not just a question of who cares, but also who is close enough to me to know what to do about it.
It's funny, how people (often, as far as i notice anyway, women) have this need for someone to be very close to them, and they're equally willing to fill it with A Best Friend or A Man, and the criteria for the Best Friend are so much more rigorous, and yet they're more willing to throw the Friend away for A Man. The difference being that if the Friend is a real one, she'll still be there once the Man's novelty has worn off.
But it just astonishes me how people can get into relationships with Men that they barely know, and expect immediately that he'll fulfill all that they need from their Close Person, etc. ... this isn't you, this is just a general observation on my part that so many people, male or female, construct entire relationships in their heads and then simply find someone to fill in the role of the other person. They're willing to out and out ignore reality in order to fulfil this ideal of Relationship, and then when they finally notice what's actually happening they're absolutely astonished and devastated and the person who's failed to live up to their fantasy is a bad bad person... sheesh.
Most people don't go so far. But almost everyone does a little of this at least.
I've just... never dated a stranger. I slept with one once, but I knew what I was getting into then. (didn't actually have sex with him either; i knew what i was about as well. But I can understand how people do. I just can't understand deciding that they're In Love with this person they hardly know. It strikes me as asking for trouble. Not that I haven't had trouble...)

blurgle blurgle splat

[eggplantia5.livejournal.com]

sdkfahj fadsj fsdajkk blurge bfsdal...
fas sd fsdter!

sdafsd fsd?
hdsl afsl asflkiew k1jl, fsdak.
fsadf, fasjkl asfds as fdsl's klafsdj!

Re: blurgle blurgle splat

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

bored, are we?

Re: blurgle blurgle splat

[eggplantia5.livejournal.com]

soooooo tired.

and it's not friday.
which is rather disappointing.
or not.
i just found out i have to be up early saturday to go sign papers at the lawyers...
so like, within weeks, i will be co-owner of my own apartment, co-borrower of a 60,000 loan, and proud payer of a lovely mortgage.

holy moses.
when stuff doesn't happen, it totally doesn't happen. and when it does happen, it happens all at once.

i need a pause button sometimes.

Re: blurgle blurgle splat

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

amen.

i just wrote a javaScript program using booleans.
I was disappointed to learn that a boolean isn't cool at all...
http://troi.cc.rochester.edu/~o3csc170/labs/lab-11/avgGen.html

Re: blurgle blurgle splat

[eggplantia5.livejournal.com]

booleans are kind of fun... aren't they?

Re: blurgle blurgle splat

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

the word is fun.
the concept isn't so cool. i thought it'd be really rad.

well, i just sent mr. somebody a package with a whole book of postcard stamps in it, so maybe he'll send some people some postcards while he's gone.
unless he doesn't get it in time.
in which case, i'm an idiot.
hee hee.

Re: blurgle blurgle splat

[eggplantia5.livejournal.com]

boolean is fun to say... but they are a fun concept, no? i always thought it was neat...

in any case, mr. somebody is a strange one. i think he may live in a different reality than anyone else. he may wear your package as a hat for his entire trip.

Re: blurgle blurgle splat

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

i guess. i was let down; i thought it'd be something more elaborate. but all it is is something that yields either yes or no.
i don't do math well enough to keep absolutes straight. i don't handle reality well enough to keep absolutes straight. so booleans are disappointingly hard for me to grasp. i can use them, but they're just not pretty to me, and hard for my squishy brain to keep a hold on. All kinds of things like that. I'll never make a programmer; it's just too hard for my brain to hang onto things like that.

He is a strange one, but I doubt he would wear a package as a hat; it's not a very big cardboard box, and it's more likely that he'll get it, look at it, guess what's in it, and then leave it behind to deal with when he gets back, not really thinking to look inside and see if I've sent him anything besides the shirt he left here last time he was here. It will make sense to him at the time and yet not when he repeats it to me.
I understand, I'm in a different reality than everyone else too. I'm just not in the same one as him. I think I'm by myself, in here. But it's cozy, so I don't mind.

Re: blurgle blurgle splat

[eggplantia5.livejournal.com]

lisa, your average in this class is: 17388497.5. This is a passing score.

Re: blurgle blurgle splat

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

i'm glad you're passing my class.
that makes me feel better. i'd worried that the tests were too hard but obviously not. Though you're so smart it's still hard to tell how the rest might be doing.

Re: blurgle blurgle splat

[eggplantia5.livejournal.com]

i am SO smart.

Liesl here

[(Anonymous)]

I got a passing score too. Something between a 90 and an 87. I thought I'd taken more tests...

Re: Liesl here

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

i didn't give you any more tests than that.
too bad.
i'm sure you would have done very well too.