this-is-furious replied to your post
Oct. 31st, 2016 12:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragonlady7via http://ift.tt/2f4gip4:this-is-furious replied to your post “sugarspiceandcursewords replied to your post “i just got half a…”
“I’m sorry I’m like this but I don’t have anyone else to be” is one of the most relatable and weirdly heartening things I’ve read in a good while.
It’s kind of heartening– like, you can’t fix it, so, don’t– but it’s also kind of disheartening, because most of the qualities I always admire in other people and would like to be the sort of person who embodies, are not things I can just– become. I want to be mysterious but that would mean not blurting out everything that crosses my mind, and the closest I’ve come to that is just not ever speaking and it turns out nobody thinks I’m mysterious when I don’t talk, they just figure I’m sullen. And I’d like to be aloof and cool, but I’m not, I’m goofy and gullible and overempathetic and talk too much, and when I laugh, which I do really often whether I mean to or not, it’s kind of piercing, and that’s just how I am, so there’s no helping that. I’ve also always really thought it would be great to be petite and/or willowy, but I am as wide as I am tall (and I’m tall) so that’s not going to happen.
I’m never going to be able to just shrug off criticism or even perceived slights. I’ll always be oversensitive to rejection, I always have been, I need to just acknowledge it and do what I can to mitigate my response so as not to hurt anyone. (Recently reading that post that was going around about rejection-sensitive dysphoria and ADHD kind of helped me, at least, realize that it’s not just a personal failing, it’s sort of typical of people with whatever my brain problems are. I mean, I still have to take responsibility for my own behavior, but at least I don’t have to feel like I’m uniquely stupid, and being able to anticipate the kind of dimension and trajectory of my incorrect response helps me anticipate and mitigate.) Likewise I’m never going to be good at switching tasks or dealing with distraction, and it’s dumb of me to pretend like that’s just not going to be a problem. I have to be aware of it and work around it, just like I have to work around pretty much all of the rest of my personality traits.
I don’t have anyone else to be but me. Don’t get me wrong, it is easier now than it was in my adolescence. Most of the time, I’m pretty resigned to it, and sometimes even okay with it. And knowing it’s all unchangeable and so there’s no point worrying about it is kind of freeing. It’s value-neutral; it takes all kinds to make a world. Everyone out there is just doing themselves and that’s fine.
But. I would like, someday, to be able to feel like my life is not one giant process of working around my flaws. I have some talents, really truly I do, there’s stuff I’m good at! That’s my dream existence, to be able someday to use my strengths in constructive ways for positive things. But the way my career and life have worked out, I’ve never been able to use any of my actual abilities and talents for any paid work ever in my life, so. That’s all been recreation. I can be me and enjoy it in my free time.
My actual productive working life is just all spent trying to compensate for my flaws.
It wears on you.
“I’m sorry I’m like this but I don’t have anyone else to be” is one of the most relatable and weirdly heartening things I’ve read in a good while.
It’s kind of heartening– like, you can’t fix it, so, don’t– but it’s also kind of disheartening, because most of the qualities I always admire in other people and would like to be the sort of person who embodies, are not things I can just– become. I want to be mysterious but that would mean not blurting out everything that crosses my mind, and the closest I’ve come to that is just not ever speaking and it turns out nobody thinks I’m mysterious when I don’t talk, they just figure I’m sullen. And I’d like to be aloof and cool, but I’m not, I’m goofy and gullible and overempathetic and talk too much, and when I laugh, which I do really often whether I mean to or not, it’s kind of piercing, and that’s just how I am, so there’s no helping that. I’ve also always really thought it would be great to be petite and/or willowy, but I am as wide as I am tall (and I’m tall) so that’s not going to happen.
I’m never going to be able to just shrug off criticism or even perceived slights. I’ll always be oversensitive to rejection, I always have been, I need to just acknowledge it and do what I can to mitigate my response so as not to hurt anyone. (Recently reading that post that was going around about rejection-sensitive dysphoria and ADHD kind of helped me, at least, realize that it’s not just a personal failing, it’s sort of typical of people with whatever my brain problems are. I mean, I still have to take responsibility for my own behavior, but at least I don’t have to feel like I’m uniquely stupid, and being able to anticipate the kind of dimension and trajectory of my incorrect response helps me anticipate and mitigate.) Likewise I’m never going to be good at switching tasks or dealing with distraction, and it’s dumb of me to pretend like that’s just not going to be a problem. I have to be aware of it and work around it, just like I have to work around pretty much all of the rest of my personality traits.
I don’t have anyone else to be but me. Don’t get me wrong, it is easier now than it was in my adolescence. Most of the time, I’m pretty resigned to it, and sometimes even okay with it. And knowing it’s all unchangeable and so there’s no point worrying about it is kind of freeing. It’s value-neutral; it takes all kinds to make a world. Everyone out there is just doing themselves and that’s fine.
But. I would like, someday, to be able to feel like my life is not one giant process of working around my flaws. I have some talents, really truly I do, there’s stuff I’m good at! That’s my dream existence, to be able someday to use my strengths in constructive ways for positive things. But the way my career and life have worked out, I’ve never been able to use any of my actual abilities and talents for any paid work ever in my life, so. That’s all been recreation. I can be me and enjoy it in my free time.
My actual productive working life is just all spent trying to compensate for my flaws.
It wears on you.
