I think I’m doing the thing where I’m
Sep. 2nd, 2016 02:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragonlady7via http://ift.tt/2bIi3e7:
I think I’m doing the thing where I’m sliding along the edge of that kind of depressive episode where you just don’t feel things, and it’s super annoying, because I absent-mindedly assume everything’s normal, but then I do something I usually SUPER LIKE and I kind of get this lukewarm little “that was ok” feeling, and then I think about doing a thing and am like “gosh that seems like a lot of effort”, and like, I promised myself a reward for doing a thing I didn’t like to do, and just plain forgot about the reward until way later and was like but I don’t really even want that anyway? [Specifically: i made myself go grocery shopping and promised myself a cookie. The cookies were right there. I did the thing. I love those damn sawdust-sugar cookies with all my heart. I did not buy one, it did not occur to me. I passed them by. What? Who does that?? Me, because I am incapable of desire. WTF.]
and like. i read a fic and I’m like, yes good, this is what I like, but then I go to leave a comment and can’t remember what I liked, and I scroll back up and don’t remember reading the thing, and I’m. That’s. Disorienting. I recently read one three times trying to get it to stick and it didn’t, so I’m. Just. Gonna not, for a bit.
I’m just writing this down because mostly everything feels like nothing and I’m aware on some dim level that this is some kind of bullshit, but I’m not sure as opposed to what. MAYBE I SHOULD YELL ABOUT IT.
No, that’s way too much effort.
I would like to Go Out Of Town And Do Something Special With My Dude this weekend because it is a long weekend and the only time in a year that we both have a holiday that’s not a Family Obligations kind of holiday, and I managed not to be committed elsewhere for it. But like. How do you even think up something when going pee is too much trouble? Why would I get into my car and willingly do something when I could just– not?
Because otherwise you’ll sit at home and be a miserable lump you idiot.
But his answer is “shrug sure what u want” and my answer is “nothing. i want nothing. i can’t even stir myself to crave oblivion.” and that is not a constructive conversation you can have.
Maybe the worst part is how everything’s super normal except I’m a little irritable and also just don’t want things. I can reflexively be like yeah one of those sure, but if I have to think about it, I literally can’t feel the difference anymore.
Trying to listen to new music, too, and even if I can make myself pay attention, I have zero critical capacity. Those sure are some notes. That’s cool. Sure. It’s. Music probably. Yeah. That was that band, all right.
UGH that probably makes me feel some kind of way, probably annoyed or disgusted or something, but I’m damned if I can actually tell. and I know i keep complaining about my writing and acting like it’s paining me but the problem is really that it’s not, i’m only sort of distantly aware that it is non optimal and i’m just annoyed and want it to be better now because sometimes when i post things people like them and i can vicariously experience people’s emotions.
I think I’m doing the thing where I’m sliding along the edge of that kind of depressive episode where you just don’t feel things, and it’s super annoying, because I absent-mindedly assume everything’s normal, but then I do something I usually SUPER LIKE and I kind of get this lukewarm little “that was ok” feeling, and then I think about doing a thing and am like “gosh that seems like a lot of effort”, and like, I promised myself a reward for doing a thing I didn’t like to do, and just plain forgot about the reward until way later and was like but I don’t really even want that anyway? [Specifically: i made myself go grocery shopping and promised myself a cookie. The cookies were right there. I did the thing. I love those damn sawdust-sugar cookies with all my heart. I did not buy one, it did not occur to me. I passed them by. What? Who does that?? Me, because I am incapable of desire. WTF.]
and like. i read a fic and I’m like, yes good, this is what I like, but then I go to leave a comment and can’t remember what I liked, and I scroll back up and don’t remember reading the thing, and I’m. That’s. Disorienting. I recently read one three times trying to get it to stick and it didn’t, so I’m. Just. Gonna not, for a bit.
I’m just writing this down because mostly everything feels like nothing and I’m aware on some dim level that this is some kind of bullshit, but I’m not sure as opposed to what. MAYBE I SHOULD YELL ABOUT IT.
No, that’s way too much effort.
I would like to Go Out Of Town And Do Something Special With My Dude this weekend because it is a long weekend and the only time in a year that we both have a holiday that’s not a Family Obligations kind of holiday, and I managed not to be committed elsewhere for it. But like. How do you even think up something when going pee is too much trouble? Why would I get into my car and willingly do something when I could just– not?
Because otherwise you’ll sit at home and be a miserable lump you idiot.
But his answer is “shrug sure what u want” and my answer is “nothing. i want nothing. i can’t even stir myself to crave oblivion.” and that is not a constructive conversation you can have.
Maybe the worst part is how everything’s super normal except I’m a little irritable and also just don’t want things. I can reflexively be like yeah one of those sure, but if I have to think about it, I literally can’t feel the difference anymore.
Trying to listen to new music, too, and even if I can make myself pay attention, I have zero critical capacity. Those sure are some notes. That’s cool. Sure. It’s. Music probably. Yeah. That was that band, all right.
UGH that probably makes me feel some kind of way, probably annoyed or disgusted or something, but I’m damned if I can actually tell. and I know i keep complaining about my writing and acting like it’s paining me but the problem is really that it’s not, i’m only sort of distantly aware that it is non optimal and i’m just annoyed and want it to be better now because sometimes when i post things people like them and i can vicariously experience people’s emotions.
