dark times

[dragonlady7]

tedious, that's the worst part really

via https://ift.tt/31rLISk

it’s just so fucking dark.

i’m feeling very despondent. work is both busy and boring. i have been in a fugue state where i’ve just frantically been writing, writing, writing, tens of thousands of words, but i don’t feel like i’ve hit the “point” yet.

if i were writing for a commercial market and had a merciless editor i have a suspicion that i would be writing ten thousand words for every thousand i kept. i just feel like… i haven’t… hit the point of anything in a long time. i don’t think that’s true but it’s how i feel.

and i just hit a wall today, i was trying to write and i just– can’t. it’s a scene i badly want to write and have been looking forward to and it won’t come, i wrote 15k in a different work to avoid it and today i finally buckled down and started to work on it and… it’s awkward phrasing and it’s not going anywhere and like my only beta comment so far is to that effect and like. yeah. you right, but like what the fuck do i do about that. and i realized it’ll be super difficult for me to write because it’s going to be a lovely fluffy scene and then i need the people in it to have a vicious fight and breakup and it’s not going to get resolved for a bit and– my readers are going to fucking hate that, i’m going to have to spoiler it so people don’t feel betrayed. and like yes that’s how you do hurt/comfort, you have to hurt them that’s how it works, but. It’s work.

everything is dark and dreary and grim, and i don’t want to do the work, i just want to read the fucking story. And yet! I have like…. two? three? friends updating long stories right now that are just what I want to read, and I can’t read them for some reason, so I’m behind on that. I don’t want to read. I want to write. But I want to have written, really, and that’s not the same thing as either reading or writing.

So I’m just feeling whiny, but I’m also feeling burnt-out and terrified. Today as I was working at the shipping desk, loudly taping packages so it’s not like I was hiding, a customer came up to use the bathroom, and then answered her phone while in the bathroom. I stopped to listen, incredulous, as she put the caller on speakerphone and then flushed the toilet, and i was like who does this, it must be someone she’s close with, and then she came out of the bathroom loudly confirming her address over and over, so like– no definitely this was a stranger she was talking to, wow. And then the stranger on the phone was like “SO the test came back positive, I’m confirming your COVID diagnosis,” and the customer is like “Wow no way!” and the stranger on the phone is like “I’m afraid yes! I’d recommend you stay at home.” and the customer says

she says

“Oh I am at home, don’t worry!”

bitch what the glittering F̴̨̝̼̦̹̱͈̽̀̒̔̓̔̾ Ư̷̢̨̢̨̛̰̟̭̮̙͕͖̼̞͓̌̋͆͑̿͂̒́̈́̒̂̈̕ C̴̺͉̣͓͇̳͌̃̆ K̴̢̝̹̫̫̳͙̋̎̏̐̈́̏̌͆̾͐͋͠

here’s the good part, she then goes down the stairs, and I’m like good! go the fuck home! and I finish taping up my packages and carry the bin of them downstairs for the mail pickup, and

she is standing there at the counter still on her phone. She is finishing up her phone calls. I’m like what the fuck, and go behind the counter, and in a moment she finishes her call and leaves.

Yeah!!! she was just standing there to make her phone call!!! In a room full of people! Freshly COVID-diagnosed!!! JUST HANG OUT A WHILE, BITCH! Love it

We are going to be in this pandemic forever and I just

i would like a fucking break, i would like to go somewhere else, i would like to be someone else, i would like to stop fucking worrying about shit constantly, i–

argh.

anyway. also i need to buy dude a belt buckle, for Christmas, and it can’t have flags, eagles, Trump, guns, or dumb sex jokes on it, and that rules out like 90% of what I can find and the other 10% is ugly too, I guess there are a few that were pretty but they’re all custom or from some other country that won’t get here in time and i wish he’d told me about this like a month ago but here we are.

Oh yeah and Etsy never wrote back to me so I have to find a belt buckle not on Etsy. The logistics of managing to get an Etsy account while being locked out of my sole email address is absolutely the fuck beyond me.

the only ray of joy in my life is imagining Ciri with a gun. That is still bringing me occasional glimmers of serotonin. That, and looking at the glitter on the back of my phone case, which I cannot explain but fuck there’s something about that.

You know, I own one of those Make You Less Depressed lights somewhere, I would consider trying that out only I’m literally not capable of doing something like that consistently enough to have it help. (Your picture was not posted)

Comments

[unicornduke]

If you need something specifically on Etsy, I can totally buy it for you and just ship it right to you. I'm very willing to be a through pass to get around your Etsy problem. Just text me.

buckles and anti-SAD light thoughts

[light_of_summer]

Sorry you're having such a rough time in this dark season. I send you and yours good wishes for NEAR FUTURE improvements!

Meanwhile, re belt buckles, if you haven't already tried eBay, I think it's worth a look, because if you search their site for "belt buckle," you can then set Filters for condition (new vs. not) and item location (USA only for speed) and belt width, each of which whittles down the absurd number of possibilities, and THEN you can filter for THEME. I hope that might be useful!

Re Make You Less Depressed lights, a friend gave me one of those, and it does seem to help me some. Re remembering to use the light, my experience is that I can mostly remember, despite various brain challenges, by keeping it on my Daily Usuals checklist (which lives both on my smartphone and at a support website that I use most days). On my list, it's scheduled for me to use the light while I eat breakfast.

Let me know if you have Qs about any of this—more info available if wanted.

Hang in there! Please take care of yourself as best you can!