dragonlady7

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well. i’ve been awake since 3am, so we’ll really see how today goes.

The family holidays situation hasn’t entirely been resolved. It’s possible I have not communicated that well after all? I verified through my collection of online photos that we last were together for Christmas in an even-numbered year in 2012 (Farmkid did not yet exist), so my assertion that it’s going on for a decade that we’ve had the current pattern is not unfounded. But my older sister isn’t entirely nuts for having failed to notice that was the pattern; I know i’ve said many times that I’m on an every other year schedule, but it is perfectly likely, in a family this size, that my sister has never actually heard me say it, or noticed when I did, and so it’s not wildly insane that she hadn’t realized that it wasn’t coincidental.

(I spent 2013 without family, in Rochester with BFF. I spent 2014 with Dude’s mom. 2015 we all got together at the farm. 2016, Dude’s mom. 2017, we all got together in Maryland. 2018, Dude’s mom. (I believe Middle-Little joined me, either in 2014 or 2016, because Mom and Dad went down to Older Sister’s without her one year, and I think OS lived in Georgia still at that point. Don’t recall when the move to Maryland happened.) 2019, I spent at the farm, and Older Sister did not join us and I do not recall the details. 2020, nobody saw anybody (except I did see Dude’s mom), and Dad died and it was the fucking worst.)

So anyway. For Older Sister’s MIL, there’s the stats– whatever else they’ve done, Older Sister has spent less than 50% of the last 10 Christmases with her family. Which was what OS was remembering; she felt she’d offered her MIL at least half of the opportunities, and if she hasn’t spent that many holidays with them it is because she refused for one reason or another, and so it’s really not fair to count those against the total. (MIL is wildly jealous because she moved closer to them to see them more, and then my father died suddenly and they’ve come up to visit Mom three times in a year. I can see her wanting to make sure she gets a chance with them but come the fuck on.)

Anyway, Older Sister called to apologize for springing the change on me, but explained that the travel’s not going to work out, and I said well i can do Christmas on New Year’s at your place if you’d rather, OR I can do Christmas on Christmas at FS’s and not see you, so that still hasn’t been resolved. (If everyone else is also coming for New Year’s I’ll do that one, i’d rather see everyone.)

I’ve had several lovely bits of advice to forget everyone else and do what makes me happy, and while I do appreciate this and totally get where it’s coming from, I should specify here that my family is the main source of joy in my life, and for my entire life the highlight of every year has been whatever time i’ve been able to spend with as many of my siblings as possible, at the holidays or whenever. So unfortunately forgetting everyone else and doing what makes me happy are mutually one hundred percent exclusive. I completely understand why that’s not the case for everyone, nor should it be. But I very earnestly want to see as many of my siblings and niblings as possible this end-of-year, however, whenever, and wherever that happens.

Anyway. I feel super gross today but I did get a lot of unrelenting cat snuggles in my insomnia, which I appreciate. i did not make any art but I worked a little bit on several projects, and made two scraps of flannel into makeup-removing washcloths, and yesterday I folded some fabric and marked where I’m going ot cut it but did not cut it, and. Maybe I can make myself do something this weekend, maybe I’ll actually like. Make some art and feel alive.

I should mention too that writing doesn’t seem to count, that’s been going just fine and is satisfyingly progressing, it just doesn’t seem to scratch the Make Something itch, so. Anyway at least I have that, I’ll be grateful for it.

OH AND. Mom took Farmkid up to Grandpa’s grave for Veteran’s Day and HE HAS A STONE NOW!! It’s lovely, a regulation stone, has his service record on it (Vietnam and Persian Gulf), mentions his Bronze Star (for valor, in Vietnam), and for some reason they wouldn’t let mom put an ampersand in his epitaph, which was supposed to say loving & loved but instead reads in its entirety A GOOD MAN LOVING LOVED

which like i guess gets the point across but we’re gonna go up and Sharpie a comma in there at least. (Your picture was not posted)