make art or die

[dragonlady7]

tw grief

via https://ift.tt/3wzbKyo

it’s a gloomy wednesday– actually i just went and looked, and i think it’s actually sunny out today but since i cannot see the sky from anywhere within my workplace, i’m just assigning gloom to the day so i feel less shitty about that–

and this morning i was struck with this sudden like all-over-my-body feeling that if I don’t make some fucking art I’m going to fucking die

I’ve got two hours of work left before I can act on that so maybe I will, this evening.

Unrelatedly, but in another contribution to the current all-consuming malaise that’s either anxiety or I chronically have to poop, my older sister emailed the family cheerfully and was like “unfortunately, on no notice, i am irrevocably fucking up all family holiday plans, now and for the future!” only she said it like, cheerfully and without any apparent real regret.

The part that absolutely fucked me up is how she was like “but we can do Christmas together next year!” which like

that is not how this works, oh my god, this is not how any of this works, i have a very strict every-other-year thing with Dude’s family, and there is no amount of notice in the world that is going to make it work out for me to just switch years, this is– Dude’s mom flies to California on alternate years, and this is a California year, and next year we’re with her and the other grandparents of that nephew fly in from Texas, this is how it has worked for at least twelve years now, there are so many people reliant on this that I simply can’t even begin to ask to change.

This is entirely because Older Sister’s mother-in-law cancelled her turn at Christmas one year for a sick dog, which like, that’s a bummer, but you can’t just swap in next year, you are not the only person, but she’s been giving Sister hell about it ever since, and– anyway I discussed this in exhaustive detail with that brother-in-law last month while he was helping build the cabin, and anyway I said flat out in those exact words “i cannot change which holidays I spend where, it’s not something I have any degree of flexibility on whatsoever”

and Older Sister was cheerfully like “and maybe we can hang out for New Year’s!” and

i have an elderly cat, who needs twice-daily medication. Dude’s mom is the only person we can have cat-sit. If she is in California (which she is this year, that’s why it’s a Home Christmas instead of an Away Christmas) then she cannot do that, so we have to board the cat. The boarding place can’t reliably get her to eat her medicine. So we can’t really leave her very long; a week is the longest I’d be comfortable with.

I cannot spend Christmas at mom’s and then New Year’s at Sister’s.

It is one OR the other.

If we are doing new traditions and it’s New Year’s now, well I would really have liked to be consulted about that, I have a lot of considerations I’m going to have to factor in, and also I had already kind of made this year’s plans, it is mid-November already. (Sister had opened the email with “ah but we’re coming up for Thanksgiving!” which like. [that’s the fine grains of the thing, whichever family isn’t getting christmas gets thanksgiving.] Dude’s mother has already purchased food and set a menu because Thanksgiving is effectively given travel constraints next fucking week.)

I texted Mom about this, trying not to be dramatic, and Mom was like “did older sister not contact you first?!?! she said she was going to!!!”

No, Mom, she did not.

Anyway I spent all last Christmas periodically going and hiding in my mother-not-law’s bathroom to cry, because Dad had died suddenly four days beforehand and my mother had told me not to come home, so I did not get to see him before they cremated him and I did not get to see the family until later in that week so I spent the week of Christmas crying alone at home, and I spent a lot of the times I was hiding in the bathroom on Christmas thinking about how at least next year we’d get to do that difficult first Christmas together, and so anyway. Maybe my response to this is disproportionate but I argue it’s somewhat warranted, maybe?

I sent an email saying the quiet part loud and said I’d have to see what I could shuffle to attempt to accommodate this, and that at least since I don’t have kids it’s only me that’s getting let down, because YOU KNOW that is why everyone is going to think it’s fine to jerk me around, you just KNOW that’s what it’s about.

Anyway I cried in the work bathroom about it just now, what are you gonna do. This year’s theme is apparently crying in bathrooms.

(I was trying to send a calm, professional message about it and then get on with my life but Mom responded and it destroyed whatever composure I had about ti so guess what we’re just gonna Feel Bad today, and Older Sister likely won’t look at her phone until after I’ve gone to bed because that’s how her schedule has been lately and I feel for her, I do, but also, I could punch her.)

I don’t know how people with real problems survive them, I tell you what. (Your picture was not posted)

Comments

[harpers_child]

The situations sucks. Can I offer a virtual hug and cup of tea?

[redstapler]

Oh god, my brother did that to me in 2018 and 2019, and I left my father's both years just an absolute mess.

I just wasn't emotionally prepared, either for three years in a row of Christmas up North.

[dragonlady7]

oof holidays. that's all i got, just. oof. holidays.
all i want is to see my family, but. well. anyway. oof.

[dine]

I hope you found time/energy to Do Art once you got home.

I'm so sorry for the fuckedupness - spontaneous doesn't work for all people, and you've got very good reasons why changing things isn't feasible.

[j00j]

That's really hard and you feelings are very valid <3

Re real problems, whatever those are (I mean, there are problems that are objectively higher stakes than this but they're all problems, Brant)-- this stuff is so raw and complicated after over a year of missed holidays for many of us, plus all the other pain of your particular situation. I feel like high stakes stuff is sometimes more straightforward; you're forced to accept whatever the least worst choice is. Here there definitely could've been more consideration for you and everyone else affected by this unilateral change and that's painful!