bearselkie lifestyle accessories

[dragonlady7]

ocs

via https://ift.tt/3cYG38g

so for various long story reasons involving his grandfather’s pocket knives and being locked in a house for twelve months, my dude recently purchased a pocket knife, and after his normal fashion, this was preceded by excessive research, after which he bought a kind of overengineered example of the genre from a specialty retailer. none of this is crucial to the story, except–

well yesterday in the mail a catalogue came, from and please understand that if i new how to do fancy font effects I would, SMOKY MOUNTAIN KNIFEWORKS.

While dude was cooking dinner– his specialty, which is to take a hunk of fillet of salmon and pan-sear it to perfection in this stainless steel braising pan we have that has to be heated with the oil in it just right or it’s a sticking nightmare but if you do it just so you get this gorgeous sear and the fish slides right out the pan onto your plate like chef’s kiss

anyway I was sitting at the table in the eat-in kitchen chortling like a feral goblin as I leafed through this catalogue.

cut entirely for length, please join me on this ride:

Please understand, though, I wasn’t mocking it at all. I kept saying I need this every page and I was completely unironic. Possibly the best part of all this is that Dude had somehow despite being in an exclusive relationship with me for eighteen years had before this moment never quite realized that I am

super into knives

and have held myself back all this time out of sheer desperate clear-eyed understanding that I am a suburbanite now and it is inappropriate for me to own a machete. But understand that when I was growing up a machete was a perfectly normal thing for a child to possess and even use fairly regularly.

It came out in conversation that dude has never even held a machete, and like, who are we.

anyway. The item I have fixed my beady little eyes upon (after a suitable detour to howl at the tin signs featuring guns and the slogan Curious About Life After Death? Try Trespassing, And Find Out and weeping eagles with slogans about freedom and such, and several with slogans about hunting; I admit those were reactions of a possibly-mocking sort) is this:

it is a mock-abalone-decorated POCKET KNIFE shaped like a LADY’S LEG IN A HIGH HEEL SHOE this is the most amazing thing i have ever seen?????

I am consumed with a passionate need to own this, and yet, I already own a keychain knife and a boxcutter and several other cutting implements. I have no real need of a pocket knife shaped like a lady’s leg in a high heel shoe.

I need it, though, and I’m not even sure why.

But around this moment, like a lightning bolt, it came to me, that this creature, who is now I guess an OC?– the version of me that is a selkie who is also a bear, who lives in a cabin in the woods with a hot tub on the deck, and who eats salmon by the bucketfull while lounging in her hot tub with her tits out–

the bearselkie would own this knife

and would also have one of those trucker hats with the slogan about women wanting me and fish fearing me

and would own several machetes at the very least, so

IDK that she’s an OC but she’s sort of veered off just being my platonic self-actualized ideal a bit, what with, like, one thing and another, so really maybe she is

anyway, I don’t have a conclusion for this, just take a moment and wistfully imagine this bearselkie in her cute woodscabin with its deck and hot tub, and the cute postal carrier arrives with a package and since this is a better world there’s a moment for the bearselkie to answer the door for her package wearing her hastily thrown-on cargo shorts and an open flannel shirt with nothing under it and the fish fear me trucker hat and she signs for her long-anticipated package and then proceeds to excitedly open it with this in-context incredibly gay lady’s leg-shaped folding knife right before the cute postal carrier’s dazzled eyes, and idk what’s in the package that’s so great but this has veered off into a slightly more pornographic place than I’d intended on going but boy I sure have been kinda isolated and under a lotta stress this past year idk about y’all

but prolly they eventually fuck on the bearskin rug by the fire which is actually the bearselkie’s skin and maybe there’s plot at some point when the cute mail carrier finds out but maybe nobody really questions anything and it’s just hot because let us have nice things. (Your picture was not posted)

Comments

[redstapler]

Fucking DW.

Obligatory: https://youtu.be/YBqtx7MRFzk

[dragonlady7]

ha i can't believe i did not think of this song!

[redstapler]

That's my secret, Cap.

I'm always thinking of that song.

(Also, how anyone has the childhood you had and DOESN'T get into knives is honestly beyond me. It was inevitable.)

[minoanmiss]

Thank you for sharing this gloriousness with us. :)

[dragonlady7]

Well thank you for reading it, LOL.

[unicornduke]

get the knife get the knife get the knife get the knife

[dragonlady7]

man i would probably lose it in five seconds, my shit never has pockets

[galadhir]

I don't know why it's considered weird to be into knives. I mean, everybody's into swords, right? And knives are basically little swords with the crucial difference that they're also useful for things that are not killing people.

You should definitely get the knife! And that actually reminds me that it's time got the stones out and sharpened all of mine :)

My were-creature is a snail, so it'll probably take a while.

[dragonlady7]

It's true, everyone loves swords. And everybody should love knives!!
My coolest knife is that I have a lovely fixed-blade knife in a leather sheath that has a marlinspike tethered to it and in the other half of the sheath. I don't know what I'll use this for, I don't lay ropes often, but there it is, in my possession.

[galadhir]

That does sound really cool, and you never know when you might need a marlinspike! It's good to be prepared :) I admit to preferring the fixed blade knives, but they can't be carried around as easily. The only foldable knife I have is a Swiss Army knife on my key ring, and that gets used all the time. Both our children got one of those for their 16th birthday.

Did you get the leg knife? I think you should :)

[j00j]

I don't even really go here (knife fandom) but sometimes this knife reviewer youtube is really entertaining, especially when he reviews bad knives. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCM_f7DAr6zzIHHYggsq8CrA But you can also find good knives.

[dragonlady7]

I'm trying not to get into knives more than I am, but I may have to give in to the inevitability.