for the ask meme it is a bunch of things!! probably bucky barnes on his bathroom floor and kes killi

[dragonlady7]

grace, kes dameron, girderednerve

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oh man yeah bucky barnes on his bathroom floor. i wrote that so long ago, i vividly remember working it out while staying in my childhood bedroom during the season I was helping on the farm before I got the yurt. That’s from Full of Grace https://archiveofourown.org/works/4583718, which possibly has the honor of being my last really long unfinished WIP before I realized I had to plan shit out and have an exit strategy, LOL. But there was some good stuff in there anyway…

His voice wavered again, and he stopped, and after a moment he rolled his head back to full profile, and closed his eyes. “But that don’t make it any easier to get up off this fuckin’ floor,” he said unsteadily, voice thick. “It don’t— God! It fuckin’ hurts! It just, it hurts, all the time, all day, all night, every day, every week, there’s no fuckin’ end to it, and I can’t, I can’t fix it and I can’t ignore it and I can’t make it stop and I’m just so fuckin’ tired. I’m so tired.” He lifted his hand and rubbed his face, and his hand was visibly shaking. His breath hitched, then stopped, and he let it out slowly after a moment, and took a breath in.

“I don’t wanna lie here alone,” he said. “But I’m not. I’m not alone. Statistically, there’s a fuckload of you lyin’ here with me, thinkin’ the same thing. Hurtin’ the same way. It fuckin’ sucks, don’t it?” He laughed bitterly, and glanced over at the camera, teeth bared.

But Kes killing stormtroopers, that’s a deep cut! I spent so long on Lost Kings https://archiveofourown.org/series/510541 and by the end there were so few people reading it but I loved it so much anyway. It was tricky, because it was sort of halfway between what people want to read and what the subject matter actually realistically calls for– the thing about Star Wars is that the implications of literally every careless plot point are so fucking dark and the actual IP holder never wants to go that dark so you wind up with these fluffy stories set in like, horrorshow settings that nobody has thought through. Anyway. I wanted to tell a fluffy backstory and wound up with a too-young man surviving genocide and being forced to fight as a guerrilla, but like, there were five seconds of adorable baby Poe, at least?

Hard to find a quote because he spends the entirety of Fourteen https://archiveofourown.org/works/11972607 killing Stormtroopers and feeling fucked-up about it. (Did I put a graphic violence tag on that one? I really ought to have. Oh yeah, I did.)

There was a pause. The leader’s voice came back on with the tail end of a sigh. “You’d better,” he said. “All hold position, I’ll bring my group up to your location, Twenty-Two. We need all sensors functioning.”

That would bring the guy past all the patrols that Kes had killed, surely. Shit, shit, shit.

“Why don’t I come back to you,” Kes said into Twenty-two’s comm. “Then you can see if my sensor’s moving or not.”

There was a pause, and Kes hauled out his own, issued comm. “Guys,” he said urgently.

“Fuck’s sake, Dameron,” someone said, and he was pretty sure it was Corporal Nella, “there are fucking corpses everywhere, what the fuck are you doing?”

“Not getting fucking captured,” Kes said, with more emphasis than he’d strictly intended to.

Comments

[j00j]

I really enjoyed Lost Kings, for the record. Been thinking about doing a reread-- something where people have hope in a really dark time even if it's also fucking tragic-- feels relevant.

[dragonlady7]

Yes! Maybe I should reread it too.
I had like half of one more chapter done too. Maybe one of these days I'll have time to see how much was left. I always felt bad that I just kind of had to give up on the story-- I wasn't out of story, I was out of time to spend on it.