got a flaccid heart today lads

[dragonlady7]

via https://ift.tt/2EVPgkt

idk it sounds right don’t it?

i’m just feelin a lil sad today, no good reason. i’ve been Busy and Competent all day and yet just now at dinner when I pulled the cornmeal drop biscuits I’d made to go with the zucchini-noodles and pasta sauce leftovers out of the oven I almost cried because they didn’t look very good. but like. drop biscuits are not attractive, you make them when you are not trying to impress anybody. and i ate one and they taste perfectly nice and they looked burnt but they aren’t. (i used some really special cornmeal in them– it’s ground from Bloody Butcher corn my sister grew herself and ground in the nice grain mill she’s got in her pantry, and it’s really lovely-flavored, did you know cornmeal can have a flavor? it can! it can have a nice flavor! corn can be more than filler!) (i would not have dared, but Veg Man came in and was like OMG USE THE SPECIAL CORNMEAL and dug it out for me, so I did. It is a tremendous improvement over the regular Nice Grocery Store Cornmeal.)

anyway I decided that’s what it means to have a flaccid heart, you just feel kinda meh and not very robust, and there’s no good reason for it.

(I am feeling a bit disappointed; I was going to replace the yurt, this year, the yurt I burnt down https://bomberqueen17.tumblr.com/post/188657999279/well-a-slightly-earlier-end-to-the-season-than-i like a fucking idiot right around my own ears because I’m a fucking idiot, the yurt I was so horribly fond of and the only way not to cry about it being gone every day is to be resigned and chipper toward Something Better, and yet it’s a meaningless extravagance, I built it because I thought they weren’t going to get the farm and I wasn’t going to have anywhere to stay, and it’s wonderful that it turned out almost right away that I didn’t really need it, they have a house with a guestroom and it’s fine. but I was going to build a Tiny House to replace it, and I’d mentally set aside some money to do it, and a bunch of people had gotten all excited to volunteer to help, and then like. The world ended, and there’s no time, and nobody can come help anyway, and we were going to get a camper or something instead but every one we’ve tried for has fallen through and I can’t afford one anyway, because also I haven’t gotten paid since March and like, I can’t actually set aside money because I’m not earning any and I Should Not have bought that little useless tent I can’t use but I didn’t know then that I wasn’t going to get paid, and anyway the world ending means that nobody else is going to use the guest room so I don’t need to have my own space, and I can just live out of a suitcase and my car (because if I bring my stuff into the house it winds up being Clutter and my mildly-OCD sister goes insane so it’s got to live in my car out of her way which means I can’t really use any of it so I don’t work on projects while I’m here and I just bring as few outfits as I can so I wear the same thing every day and it’s all sort of gray and I just go to bed early and stay small and quiet and it’s too stuffy to close the bedroom door so I don’t really have privacy and I don’t really need it anyway, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, I can be smaller and less and it’s fine and I don’t need anything more than what I have and it’s fine. Most of the time it’s fine. At the moment I just don’t feel all that fine about it, I just feel sad, like I’m living the margins of somebody else’s life.) (I have a perfectly good house back in Buffalo except that despite my having tried to talk to him about it, when Dude bought the house from his mom he did so without including me at all [i was at the farm, which i often am, but he like, went out of his way to do it while i was gone, i felt like– i’m not gone all the time, but he only scheduled the meetings when i wasn’t there. probably to have something to do in the alone times? maybe? but it was weird, sort of, a little.] and I’m not on any of the paperwork and I pointed out at the time how that made me feel and he was like oh but don’t worry about it and like, well, I mean, I guess I won’t, but I definitely don’t feel like there’s anything in this whole world that’s really mine and you can live like that for an awfully long time and many people never have a choice and live like that their whole lives and really the yurt wasn’t that great, it was small and there wasn’t really anywhere to sit and I barely spent time in it and mostly just slept there, but it was mine, I paid for it in cash with my own money and nobody else went in there except some spiders and ants and occasionally mice and Whiskey the cat, who has finally figured out where I sleep now and is delighted, at least. At least someone’s having a good time, here.)

Sigh. Anyway, my consolation is that the embroidered mask I put in the mail for akilah12902 https://tmblr.co/mmG9gp3S698rFJImW-pcxgg​ actually arrived, so rumors of the Post Office’s demise are not all entirely true, and I can finally share a photo of it– I embroidered the Quen symbol from the Witcher games on there, that’s the protection one, I thought it was cute.

(you can’t see but there’s metallic gold floss wound all through the symbol on the side, so it’s somewhat glittery.)

[image description: a black linen shaped facemask laid flat on a desk with yellow ties stitched on with yellow stitching, and the triangular Quen symbol embroidered on one side.]

So, anyway, that’s cheered me up a bit and now i don’t have to fret that it went missing. It was my test run, of the linen-silk-linen sandwich approach with the lining, so hopefully it holds up. (I cheated and the ties are from the drawstrings of some little bags some gauze curtains came in years and years ago. I was not feeling up to making my own ties, and none of my elastic color-coordinated.)

Comments

[heartofoshun]

OMG! You made me cry! But I was mainly crying for myself (self-centered beast that I am). I really, really feel you.

it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, I can be smaller and less and it’s fine and I don’t need anything more than what I have and it’s fine. Most of the time it’s fine. At the moment I just don’t feel all that fine about it, I just feel sad, like I’m living the margins of somebody else’s life

I might have written that. But I did not--you did! And want to send you all of the affection and good vibes that I can muster! You mean a lot to me. I've been following you since I first came around the Tolkien fandom almost fifteen years ago--sometimes more closely than others--depending upon what you are writing or up to at the moment. I was feeling depressed yesterday and treated myself by reading everything you've published around The Goblin Emperor.

Feel better!

[dragonlady7]

Oh man. I actually briefly thought of you too, without even your own computer, as I was feeling sorry for myself. You mean a lot to me too!! it's been so long. <3 <3 <3

Ha, I'm glad Goblin Emperor was there for you. :D

[krait]

Well, that whole giant paragraph there in the middle sure was a flashback to how I felt... I was about to type 'while living with my parents,' but honestly it's more 'most of my adult life until three years ago.' Living with college roommates, other interns, housemates, and parents are all lumped in together, as far as living in the margins of someone else's life, and I was low-key miserable but burying it very deep.

Right now I am feeling extra-grateful for finally having a home of my own. Hope you get there, too!