head above water

[dragonlady7]

As I said on Twitter earlier, I'm utterly headless-chickeny internally but am attempting to maintain the facade of reasonable, if absent-minded, externally. Not sure if anyone's fooled. Mm, actually, I'm pretty sure nobody is. But I'm trying!
* Derby season is winding up. Playoffs are Saturday. My team is in #1, so we're vs. #4, the team that before this season was undefeated, but this season hasn't won one yet. They want it pretty bad. We're pretty determined not to give it to them because god damn it, it's our turn. (We went winless last season, so don't think we haven't paid our dues.) We just have to keep our heads together and not freak out. We have to win this one to advance to the finals on June 4th, where we'll play the winner of the #2 vs #3 bout. Which I very badly want to do. So. Goals.
* I subluxed my shoulder exactly a month ago and while it never hurt *that* bad, I kept getting little tingly numb spells in three of my fingers. I'm still getting them. I really need to bite the bullet and go see some sort of medical type about this, except in what spare time?
* I am mounting what amounts to a one-woman photography show next week. It's a sort of representative sampling of the tattoo art of members of my roller derby league. It has eaten my life. I'm freaking the fuck out nonstop. I have taken several hundred pictures of over thirty different people. I have weeded it down to 75 pictures. I am already feeling guilty I didn't take more. I have no time; I have to have it all printed by Thursday at the latest. It's getting hung up on Sunday. I have not one photo printed out.
* Relatedly, I am trying to negotiate a sponsorship to get the printing paid for / subsidized heavily. I'm not really sure how that works. I have to start printing tomorrow. I'm just going to pay for it out of my own pocket and hope for the best. There's no more time. It's several hundred dollars worth of poster prints so I really really really really am hoping for the best.
* Yesterday at practice there was a pileup of skaters, and I got my skate stuck between two immobile human bodies, and went twisting over the top of them and fell. I should've twisted my ankle, or torn something in my knee, or popped my hip, but did none of the above, fortunately, blessedly. Instead I tweaked the muscle in my back that I sprained last month, which is the same muscle but on the other side that I tore two years ago that put me in the hospital. So that hurts a lot, and then I got my period last night and it's among the worst cramps I've ever had, so I pretty much just wish I was dead from the neck down. (Sore boobs too, and on me that's a lot of real estate, so, general misery.)
* Somewhat relatedly to all of the above, I have found lately that I am being an intolerable unreasonable bitch to everyone in my life, and it is fucking mortifying. I'm so socially awkward that I never know what to do in the first place, and then I get these crippling social anxieties when I'm otherwise distressed, and it all means that I lie in bed staring at the ceiling wondering how on the world the humans surrounding me can stand me at all. It's kind of unreal how stupid/grumpy/nasty/ditzy I've been for the last, er, forever, seriously.
* But on the upside, the depression I definitely had over the winter and have still been meaning to see a doctor about (but when???) must have eased up considerably or I would have crawled under the guest bed and finally died from sheer misery about a month ago. I'm still not doing great but I'm at least marginally functioning, so something has to have improved. I think the sun finally coming out may have had some role in this. For a while it was almost intolerable the week before my period, but I didn't notice this past week that I was about to get it; I was ditzy but not as devastatingly stupid and desperately anxious as I have been in months past, so, progress?

That's about it. Sorry to blather. Just felt I should put something that's not stupid auto-batched Twitter updates.

Comments

[besina-sartor.livejournal.com]

Glad the depression has let up a bit, but you should check to make sure it isn't Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D). I have that -- I'm very sensitive to not getting enough light, if I don't, my seretonin drops waay down. At least keep an eye on it when the days start to get shorter and see if it flares back up, if so, go see a doc.