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So I am a bitter, raddled old hag who hates America and freedom, and is probably a witch. I mean, these are things everyone knows about me.
Tumblr’s collective obsession-boner for Disney shit is one of many things that irritates the fuck out of me on the daily, and yet, I endure, because among my many flaws is laziness, and figuring out which of you jerks is so obsessed with Disney and unfollowing you is just too hard. (Also, it turns out, it’s like all of you, and I’d be real bored.) And it’s not that bad. Like, whatever. I don’t hate Disney. I just, I watch like a movie a year and so it just doesn’t mean a whole lot to me in general. So like. If I never saw another edgy redraw of the Disney Princesses as fuckin’, dingoes or something, I’d probably live a few minutes longer, or have some more enamel on my teeth or whatever.
So tonight my bestie and her husband took their kids (3 and almost 2) on a practice trip and stayed in a hotel nearish to my house. (and I watched a Disney movie that Tumblr has not yet been obsessive over and WTF? thrilling saga below the cut.)
Their older kid in particular just cannot handle traveling and not being in his bed. He sort of can’t handle much; he’s great, but kinda intense about everything, and like, from the age of zero, he loses his shit if something is not exactly the same as always. Like, whatever, he’ll probably grow up to be a fuckin’ genius or something, I’m sure it’s fine, it’s just real tiring to parent him. Anyway. Hotel shenanigans, why not. If he won’t settle his shit, it’s an hour to their house, and they’ll deal.
At my suggestion, they brought a DVD player from home and hooked it up to the hotel TV. We’d all met for dinner, then we went back and I brought booze and we all watched the kids’ favorite movies.
The 3-year-old is super into the Tinkerbell movie series. There’s a series! And like. So the first one is cheap as hell, just a blatant cash-in thing, there’s nobody with any kind of reputation in the credits except I think Lucy Liu acted a minor character just to have a name on there? But apparently it sold really well.
And so movies, like, 2 thru 7 or so are increasingly lavish and well-produced and gorgeously-animated. I think Liam Neeson’s in one. It’s nuts.
So we sat and watched two of them and they were kinda good and I’m kinda not sure who I am anymore.
The second one we watched had some really stellar animation on these massive things like, snowflakes and leaves falling and stuff? And the storyline revolved around a pair of sisters and how True and Important their love was and how it was So Important and it was Magical and Fixed Everything and they Changed the Laws and all, and it made me very slightly misty-eyed because deep down I am not actually a frost witch and also I miss my sisters very much.
But there were references to romantic love affairs and whatever in the background, and none of those were as Pure and True as these sisters whose love was the Most Important Thing, and my black shrivelled heart would totally watch that movie again minus the part where the almost-two-year-old destroyed the room with cheddar bunnies and the three-year-old screamed for twenty minutes about ice cubes.
So like? I mean, there are literally two male characters in the entire franchise that recur, with occasional other one-offs. The entire rest of the cast is women of varying races, and there are even a few who aren’t identical skinny doll-shaped creatures (Tinkerbell’s boss is a cute fat woman)– and unlike literally every other bit of children’s programming I’ve ever watched, I didn’t actually feel like I had to grit my teeth at this? Like, at all?
So I guess, PSA, to anyone looking for something non-scary enough for a very small child, that is not horrifyingly trite nor is it transparently moralizing, if you want to be obsessed with Disney, you could do a whole hell of a lot worse than the Tinkerbell movies! I guess the merch franchise is the Disney Fairies? Like what the hell.
The main plot is that Tinkerbell is a mechanical engineer, by the way. You know how in kids’ stuff the hero/ine always has to save the day? She builds shit and innovates. We all figure that means that Pixie Hollow is gonna industrialize and that means there’ll be a couple wealthy fairies but all the rest of ‘em are gonna be grinding those ladybug-painting machines twelve hours a day and no paid sick leave or whatever– but so far that hasn’t happened yet in the series, so I’ll keep you posted.
Insert fanart of Tink standing on a table with a big sign that says “UNION”
So I am a bitter, raddled old hag who hates America and freedom, and is probably a witch. I mean, these are things everyone knows about me.
Tumblr’s collective obsession-boner for Disney shit is one of many things that irritates the fuck out of me on the daily, and yet, I endure, because among my many flaws is laziness, and figuring out which of you jerks is so obsessed with Disney and unfollowing you is just too hard. (Also, it turns out, it’s like all of you, and I’d be real bored.) And it’s not that bad. Like, whatever. I don’t hate Disney. I just, I watch like a movie a year and so it just doesn’t mean a whole lot to me in general. So like. If I never saw another edgy redraw of the Disney Princesses as fuckin’, dingoes or something, I’d probably live a few minutes longer, or have some more enamel on my teeth or whatever.
So tonight my bestie and her husband took their kids (3 and almost 2) on a practice trip and stayed in a hotel nearish to my house. (and I watched a Disney movie that Tumblr has not yet been obsessive over and WTF? thrilling saga below the cut.)
Their older kid in particular just cannot handle traveling and not being in his bed. He sort of can’t handle much; he’s great, but kinda intense about everything, and like, from the age of zero, he loses his shit if something is not exactly the same as always. Like, whatever, he’ll probably grow up to be a fuckin’ genius or something, I’m sure it’s fine, it’s just real tiring to parent him. Anyway. Hotel shenanigans, why not. If he won’t settle his shit, it’s an hour to their house, and they’ll deal.
At my suggestion, they brought a DVD player from home and hooked it up to the hotel TV. We’d all met for dinner, then we went back and I brought booze and we all watched the kids’ favorite movies.
The 3-year-old is super into the Tinkerbell movie series. There’s a series! And like. So the first one is cheap as hell, just a blatant cash-in thing, there’s nobody with any kind of reputation in the credits except I think Lucy Liu acted a minor character just to have a name on there? But apparently it sold really well.
And so movies, like, 2 thru 7 or so are increasingly lavish and well-produced and gorgeously-animated. I think Liam Neeson’s in one. It’s nuts.
So we sat and watched two of them and they were kinda good and I’m kinda not sure who I am anymore.
The second one we watched had some really stellar animation on these massive things like, snowflakes and leaves falling and stuff? And the storyline revolved around a pair of sisters and how True and Important their love was and how it was So Important and it was Magical and Fixed Everything and they Changed the Laws and all, and it made me very slightly misty-eyed because deep down I am not actually a frost witch and also I miss my sisters very much.
But there were references to romantic love affairs and whatever in the background, and none of those were as Pure and True as these sisters whose love was the Most Important Thing, and my black shrivelled heart would totally watch that movie again minus the part where the almost-two-year-old destroyed the room with cheddar bunnies and the three-year-old screamed for twenty minutes about ice cubes.
So like? I mean, there are literally two male characters in the entire franchise that recur, with occasional other one-offs. The entire rest of the cast is women of varying races, and there are even a few who aren’t identical skinny doll-shaped creatures (Tinkerbell’s boss is a cute fat woman)– and unlike literally every other bit of children’s programming I’ve ever watched, I didn’t actually feel like I had to grit my teeth at this? Like, at all?
So I guess, PSA, to anyone looking for something non-scary enough for a very small child, that is not horrifyingly trite nor is it transparently moralizing, if you want to be obsessed with Disney, you could do a whole hell of a lot worse than the Tinkerbell movies! I guess the merch franchise is the Disney Fairies? Like what the hell.
The main plot is that Tinkerbell is a mechanical engineer, by the way. You know how in kids’ stuff the hero/ine always has to save the day? She builds shit and innovates. We all figure that means that Pixie Hollow is gonna industrialize and that means there’ll be a couple wealthy fairies but all the rest of ‘em are gonna be grinding those ladybug-painting machines twelve hours a day and no paid sick leave or whatever– but so far that hasn’t happened yet in the series, so I’ll keep you posted.
Insert fanart of Tink standing on a table with a big sign that says “UNION”
