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We Witchered fairly briefly last night because DF had to do some Warframe things first. (Revenge Of Ass Butterflies. IDK. I don’t understand that game.)
We picked up in the Creepy Loot Cave again, and DF immediately was like, “Do I want to fight this gargoyle? Fuck, no, I don’t, fuck it,” and hopped back through the portal.
Kiera/Boobs McSassy remains annoying. I mean, she seemed to be doing a useful thing during the quest at least, but the way she shriek-whined “Ger-aalllt!” every time an enemy came near her got old Real Fast. And like. The hair-tossing. She’s wearing this ridiculous outfit, with a big floppy split skirt and like five layers of semi-apron thingies over the top, but no actual cargo space anywhere, and just– no breast support. We discussed that, and MM said, “You know, if I had sorcerous powers, I might devote some of them to braless clothing engineering,” which, I guess, good point. At one point she had to bend down to get something and I had spent that whole day in a slightly not-great bra and every time I bent over I’d had to drastically readjust myself, and I was like, her idle animation is her fixing her tits constantly, and yet bending over has no effect? Come on.
One of these days I’ll write a ballad entitled “Written By A Man” full of all these characters that you absolutely can just… tell… were written by a man. It’s not that I’d never write a character that was an annoying woman, even an annoying woman in an unflattering and uncomfortable costume, but… you can just tell.
We were debating her sex life and whether she was really hitting on Geralt or not (”She greeted him with bare tits,” MM pointed out. “That wasn’t so much flirtation as it was taunting, I think,” DF countered, which, I think, is a fair assessment). “She doesn’t exactly seem undersexed,” DF said, and MM laughed and said “She also doesn’t exactly seem like a woman who’s… satisfied.”
Anyhow, action started then, and we discovered that it’s actually sort of unclear whether you should fight the Wild Hunt with silver or steel sword. It doesn’t actually seem to make a difference. The hounds, though, you have to do silver with, so.
It was an annoying but not un-do-able fight, and Kiera did a lot of shrieking but was more useful than, say, Vesemir was during the griffin fight, so. Good for her.
And then. Then, once we’d killed the guy. Kiera said something that made the entire evening worth it. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but it involved the phrase “If I’ve got my knickers on straight…”
We all SHRIEKED at how hilarious that was. “Girl you’ve never had your knickers on straight in your LIFE” I said, and MM said “She probably wears those really skimpy ones anyway, the G-string ones– I don’t think you can wear those other than straight?” and I was like “oh you can absolutely put them on sideways and never realize” “All I can ever think about when I see those is how uncomfortable they look,” DF put in, and then confessed that most of the time when he does see them it’s that they’ve ridden up out of people’s trousers and look horribly uncomfortable and poorly-adjusted. He is a Sensible Underwear sort of guy, it turns out. I did know that, I’ve known him since the 90s.
(Maybe the best part of us having these long digressions is that DF never misses anything with the controller. He’ll just, like. Idly be playing the game with a ton of skill, and like, be verbally shitposting the entire time without missing a beat. Hard to convey that in these recaps.)
So we finished the scene and were looting the elf mage’s lab, and in the midst of a conversation, Kiera just… is like yes here’s a thing you should know about and then just
whips out a HUGE book out of NOWHERE and is like “yes read this it has information you need”
and we all were SHRIEKING because WHERE WAS SHE CARRYING THAT BOOK THE WHOLE TIME???
It was NOT a small book! I was like “that’s the Oxford Unabridged Dictionary!” and MM was like “Oh yes! That’s the Magnifying Glass Edition, my parents had that in the house. I recognize it. There’s a little drawer in the cover where the magnifying glass is stored.”
“And she had that IN HER PANTS? Through THIS WHOLE LEVEL?”
“Just… suspended from her underpants, inside the skirt,” MM said. “That explains why her posture was so strange.”
“And why she was fidgeting so much,” DF put in.
She gives Geralt a magical object and says you can think of me whenever you use it and we all kind of rolled our eyes, and MM started spontaneously composing poetry.
each time you use it, you’ll think of me,
and the OED, that I had in my G…
Now it’s poetry
So, Boobs McSassy pouted at Geralt to get him come help her pick up some widget the magic elf had promised to her. “Your Geralt is whipped,” I said.
“My Geralt is an XP whore,” DF said.
To get through a door, he had to light a series of torches in the correct order. If you get it wrong, a wraith spawns and you have to kill it. There were about four or five possible answers, and DF did it wrong four times. Hilariously, he’s gotten so good at killing wraiths that each time he was just like “AAAARRRGHHHH” *slash**slash**slash**slash* and the thing was dead, so it was just funny every time he got it wrong. He just went in with such confidence. “Oh, ok, this is how it’s gotta–” *wraith spawns* “for fuck’s sake.”
Amusingly, none of us saw fit to comment on the fact that somehow, Geralt also doesn’t carry a backpack or anything with him, and he just easily took the Oxford Unabridged Dictionary Magnifying Glass Edition that Kiera apparently had hanging from her g-string and put it… somewhere, somewhere between his tight pants and his oddly corset-like padded gambeson, along with the four dozen broken rakes and seven creepy dolls and twenty Rusty Novigrad Swords and fucktillion Puffball Mushrooms and the entire head of a griffin he’s got stuffed in there somewhere.
Upon completion of the quest, Kiera led Geralt out to a boat, then gave him a quest to “stop by and see me sometime, sweetheart” [that’s not verbatim]. MM was like “PLEASE do not do that quest without me that is ABSOLUTELY a booty call” and I was like “please do not do that quest until you’ve either looted or crafted yourself a condom” and DF was like “but Witchers are infertile?” and MM said “can Witchers get syphilis?” and I said “no but I was going to suggest you make it out of dimeritium so that this Written By A Man character does not actually bewitch you with her Witch Cooch” so now that’s a thing we’re trying to puzzle out in the Crafting tab.
(Like. I’m super into consenting adults doing what they want, but this is a work of fiction and I don’t trust its writers, y’know?)
Anyway, so Boobs McSassy took her swishy split skirt, not appreciably lightened by relieving herself of the Oxford Unabridged Dictionary Magnifying Glass Edition she’d had hanging from her g-string, and sashayed through a portal, and Geralt sailed off on a boat.
“Uh,” DF said. “How do I boat?” I took out my phone and googled “Witcher 3 How Do Boat” and got a comprehensive tutorial for how to do it on a PC, which didn’t help, but DF had figured it out on his own by then.
We found the great loot drop near Fyke Island or whatever, but got murdered by Drowners, [”I do believe I can see his weiner,” he said, frowning at one of the Drowners; he sounded really offended] took a pause to poke at inventory, respawned, tried again, and drowned, and DF was like “fuck this, I really need to go sell a bunch of shit before I can loot anything else.”
So, after much more shenanigans than should have been necessary, we sank the boat and swam to shore and found a godforsaken little marsh town that had a blacksmith and a merchant. So we sold some shit, and then dicked around in the Inventory tab for an ungodly length of time.
MM, an experienced gaming widow who earlier had been quoting swathes of the dialogue from Bioshock (”I was working 70 hour weeks so I badly wanted someone to take me to dreamtime, Mr. Bubbles, so I felt that, I really did”), watched this process and said sagely, “Gotta fiddle with your stuff?”
“Gotta fiddle with my stuff,” DF confirmed. His Geralt, despite the muttonchops, which are not growing out, is starting to look more color-coordinated, which is the sort of thing that soothes his soul. DF, despite being straight, does like fashion, he just likes terrible fashion.
He equipped The Emmentaler, which is a sword he looted from the cheese quest. “Now I want cheese whenever I see this thing,” he groused. But the stats are pretty good. To be on-theme, and since he’s out of Raw Meat, he put cheese into the quick-access slot for food-based health regen.
Stuff fiddled with, we all retired to bed, leaving Geralt in a grim little marshy village. After saving, DF had Geralt throw a bomb at the alderman, just to see what happened. Nothing, as it happened, so he quit and turned off the console.
We Witchered fairly briefly last night because DF had to do some Warframe things first. (Revenge Of Ass Butterflies. IDK. I don’t understand that game.)
We picked up in the Creepy Loot Cave again, and DF immediately was like, “Do I want to fight this gargoyle? Fuck, no, I don’t, fuck it,” and hopped back through the portal.
Kiera/Boobs McSassy remains annoying. I mean, she seemed to be doing a useful thing during the quest at least, but the way she shriek-whined “Ger-aalllt!” every time an enemy came near her got old Real Fast. And like. The hair-tossing. She’s wearing this ridiculous outfit, with a big floppy split skirt and like five layers of semi-apron thingies over the top, but no actual cargo space anywhere, and just– no breast support. We discussed that, and MM said, “You know, if I had sorcerous powers, I might devote some of them to braless clothing engineering,” which, I guess, good point. At one point she had to bend down to get something and I had spent that whole day in a slightly not-great bra and every time I bent over I’d had to drastically readjust myself, and I was like, her idle animation is her fixing her tits constantly, and yet bending over has no effect? Come on.
One of these days I’ll write a ballad entitled “Written By A Man” full of all these characters that you absolutely can just… tell… were written by a man. It’s not that I’d never write a character that was an annoying woman, even an annoying woman in an unflattering and uncomfortable costume, but… you can just tell.
We were debating her sex life and whether she was really hitting on Geralt or not (”She greeted him with bare tits,” MM pointed out. “That wasn’t so much flirtation as it was taunting, I think,” DF countered, which, I think, is a fair assessment). “She doesn’t exactly seem undersexed,” DF said, and MM laughed and said “She also doesn’t exactly seem like a woman who’s… satisfied.”
Anyhow, action started then, and we discovered that it’s actually sort of unclear whether you should fight the Wild Hunt with silver or steel sword. It doesn’t actually seem to make a difference. The hounds, though, you have to do silver with, so.
It was an annoying but not un-do-able fight, and Kiera did a lot of shrieking but was more useful than, say, Vesemir was during the griffin fight, so. Good for her.
And then. Then, once we’d killed the guy. Kiera said something that made the entire evening worth it. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but it involved the phrase “If I’ve got my knickers on straight…”
We all SHRIEKED at how hilarious that was. “Girl you’ve never had your knickers on straight in your LIFE” I said, and MM said “She probably wears those really skimpy ones anyway, the G-string ones– I don’t think you can wear those other than straight?” and I was like “oh you can absolutely put them on sideways and never realize” “All I can ever think about when I see those is how uncomfortable they look,” DF put in, and then confessed that most of the time when he does see them it’s that they’ve ridden up out of people’s trousers and look horribly uncomfortable and poorly-adjusted. He is a Sensible Underwear sort of guy, it turns out. I did know that, I’ve known him since the 90s.
(Maybe the best part of us having these long digressions is that DF never misses anything with the controller. He’ll just, like. Idly be playing the game with a ton of skill, and like, be verbally shitposting the entire time without missing a beat. Hard to convey that in these recaps.)
So we finished the scene and were looting the elf mage’s lab, and in the midst of a conversation, Kiera just… is like yes here’s a thing you should know about and then just
whips out a HUGE book out of NOWHERE and is like “yes read this it has information you need”
and we all were SHRIEKING because WHERE WAS SHE CARRYING THAT BOOK THE WHOLE TIME???
It was NOT a small book! I was like “that’s the Oxford Unabridged Dictionary!” and MM was like “Oh yes! That’s the Magnifying Glass Edition, my parents had that in the house. I recognize it. There’s a little drawer in the cover where the magnifying glass is stored.”
“And she had that IN HER PANTS? Through THIS WHOLE LEVEL?”
“Just… suspended from her underpants, inside the skirt,” MM said. “That explains why her posture was so strange.”
“And why she was fidgeting so much,” DF put in.
She gives Geralt a magical object and says you can think of me whenever you use it and we all kind of rolled our eyes, and MM started spontaneously composing poetry.
each time you use it, you’ll think of me,
and the OED, that I had in my G…
Now it’s poetry
So, Boobs McSassy pouted at Geralt to get him come help her pick up some widget the magic elf had promised to her. “Your Geralt is whipped,” I said.
“My Geralt is an XP whore,” DF said.
To get through a door, he had to light a series of torches in the correct order. If you get it wrong, a wraith spawns and you have to kill it. There were about four or five possible answers, and DF did it wrong four times. Hilariously, he’s gotten so good at killing wraiths that each time he was just like “AAAARRRGHHHH” *slash**slash**slash**slash* and the thing was dead, so it was just funny every time he got it wrong. He just went in with such confidence. “Oh, ok, this is how it’s gotta–” *wraith spawns* “for fuck’s sake.”
Amusingly, none of us saw fit to comment on the fact that somehow, Geralt also doesn’t carry a backpack or anything with him, and he just easily took the Oxford Unabridged Dictionary Magnifying Glass Edition that Kiera apparently had hanging from her g-string and put it… somewhere, somewhere between his tight pants and his oddly corset-like padded gambeson, along with the four dozen broken rakes and seven creepy dolls and twenty Rusty Novigrad Swords and fucktillion Puffball Mushrooms and the entire head of a griffin he’s got stuffed in there somewhere.
Upon completion of the quest, Kiera led Geralt out to a boat, then gave him a quest to “stop by and see me sometime, sweetheart” [that’s not verbatim]. MM was like “PLEASE do not do that quest without me that is ABSOLUTELY a booty call” and I was like “please do not do that quest until you’ve either looted or crafted yourself a condom” and DF was like “but Witchers are infertile?” and MM said “can Witchers get syphilis?” and I said “no but I was going to suggest you make it out of dimeritium so that this Written By A Man character does not actually bewitch you with her Witch Cooch” so now that’s a thing we’re trying to puzzle out in the Crafting tab.
(Like. I’m super into consenting adults doing what they want, but this is a work of fiction and I don’t trust its writers, y’know?)
Anyway, so Boobs McSassy took her swishy split skirt, not appreciably lightened by relieving herself of the Oxford Unabridged Dictionary Magnifying Glass Edition she’d had hanging from her g-string, and sashayed through a portal, and Geralt sailed off on a boat.
“Uh,” DF said. “How do I boat?” I took out my phone and googled “Witcher 3 How Do Boat” and got a comprehensive tutorial for how to do it on a PC, which didn’t help, but DF had figured it out on his own by then.
We found the great loot drop near Fyke Island or whatever, but got murdered by Drowners, [”I do believe I can see his weiner,” he said, frowning at one of the Drowners; he sounded really offended] took a pause to poke at inventory, respawned, tried again, and drowned, and DF was like “fuck this, I really need to go sell a bunch of shit before I can loot anything else.”
So, after much more shenanigans than should have been necessary, we sank the boat and swam to shore and found a godforsaken little marsh town that had a blacksmith and a merchant. So we sold some shit, and then dicked around in the Inventory tab for an ungodly length of time.
MM, an experienced gaming widow who earlier had been quoting swathes of the dialogue from Bioshock (”I was working 70 hour weeks so I badly wanted someone to take me to dreamtime, Mr. Bubbles, so I felt that, I really did”), watched this process and said sagely, “Gotta fiddle with your stuff?”
“Gotta fiddle with my stuff,” DF confirmed. His Geralt, despite the muttonchops, which are not growing out, is starting to look more color-coordinated, which is the sort of thing that soothes his soul. DF, despite being straight, does like fashion, he just likes terrible fashion.
He equipped The Emmentaler, which is a sword he looted from the cheese quest. “Now I want cheese whenever I see this thing,” he groused. But the stats are pretty good. To be on-theme, and since he’s out of Raw Meat, he put cheese into the quick-access slot for food-based health regen.
Stuff fiddled with, we all retired to bed, leaving Geralt in a grim little marshy village. After saving, DF had Geralt throw a bomb at the alderman, just to see what happened. Nothing, as it happened, so he quit and turned off the console.
no subject
Date: 2020-05-14 05:19 pm (UTC)Regarding the way what's-her-name pulled a huge book out of nowhere, and the way Geralt carries most of his stuff seemingly-nowhere, too, the way you told it was hilarious!
However, before I got through reading all of the hilarity, I was thinking that maybe the game universe has something like the other-space pockets in Diane Duane's Young Wizards universe.
There, wizards can put basically anything into an extra-dimensional "pocket" that they can reach into pretty much any time. And there doesn't seem to be a limit on what can go in there, either, but you have to feel around to find out what's in there, you can't look. And when you're feeling around, the part of your arm that is inside the pocket basically disappears.
I hope this will amuse you. 😉
no subject
Date: 2020-05-14 05:26 pm (UTC)(And if you'd like a beta / collaborator for that, and don't already have one in mind, I'd be very interested in volunteering.😄)