Princess the Goat
May. 10th, 2020 05:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Last night’s Witchering was amusing but somewhat marred by how purely gross and Written By A Man the entire Bloody Baron plot winds up being.
It’s just one giant TW for miscarriage, abuse, domestic violence, etc. The only saving grace was that without either of us weighing in at all, DF kept picking the absolutely-least-sympathetic dialogue options as the Baron is blubbering about what an awful fucking person he is like he expects Geralt to console him. Listen, bud, you’re fucking gross, and Geralt’s not sorry for you. But… yeah, a man wrote that.
We did have some amusing times before that. We cleared out the wraiths from the old Riordan manor, and found the skeleton walled up in the basement. (Grim.) The old lady was definitely scamming us, though– there was no chest of treasures. We got a bunch of random shit but nothing that exciting. Which was fine, because the XP was what we were after, and after that we were a shiny new Level 5!
Riding around, we developed a way to get Roach to jump over fences. This method is that you get off the horse, climb over the fence yourself, walk a short distance, and then whistle, and Roach will come up again on the correct side of the obstacle so you can get back on her. She reminds me a bit of various horses I rode as a child, most of whom would do ridiculous things to avoid jumping over a basic obstacle, so in this respect she is very horse-like. However, I also never met a horse that would in any way come when called, so that remains disturbingly unrealistic.
Then we went and found the pellar in the woods, who’d made an amulet for the baron’s missing wife. He turned out to be some bonkers guy in a coat decorated with chicken feet. We had to fast-talk some local jerks in order to get to him, but they were surprisingly amenable to Geralt’s personal charm and herb-lore and we did not have to level Axii up again to convince them.
Of course the pellar sent us out to find his missing goat, Princess. What was genuinely entertaining about this bonkers-stupid quest is how fast Geralt changed his own attitude about it. He was skeptical of the pellar the whole time, but not so skeptical he wouldn’t do what the guy asked. And he found the goat, and was like “I have to ring this stupid bell the whole time?” and verbatim told the goat “Move, you piece of shit!” and then a bear attacks and he’s got to defend her and it’s kind of a tough fight but winnable, and then suddenly he’s super fond of this goat, and says they’re friends now, and says the goat is like Roach in that Roach doesn’t talk much and that’s what he likes in a friend. He says all of this in like, an ongoing running monologue as he’s leading this goat gently back to her pen.
It turns out the pellar does genuinely need Princess because he needs to use goat’s milk in the ritual he does to get the spirits to talk to him. And Geralt’s like… listening to this dude sounding like Linda Blair from the Exorcist, and he’s still like “Hm, I dunno if this guy is for real.”
But at some point he decides he is, and they seem to be buds after that. Like, Geralt is now Ride Or Die for this pellar, and also we finally bought another Water Essence so we can make Cat potion, whee!
Then we went back to the Baron’s place, and it’s on fire. Well that’s exciting. DF is hellbent on talking to the armorer, though, so. He goes in and there’s a cutscene and a guy is begging Geralt to save his brother from the burning stables, and Geralt’s like yeah sure I’ll do it, and the cutscene ends and Geralt’s immediately like hey, armorer, can you help me with this thing? and the whole dialogue has the fire light and bell ringing and whatnot and the armorer is completely unconcerned.
Anyway, we get the thing we wanted from the armorer and then run in and there’s the stable on fire, and there’s the Baron, and so we get immediately roped into a cutscene with the Baron and oh now we have to fistfight him? to the death? what the heck? and then he KILLS GERALT with his fists so we have to reload and what the heck was that??? so we have to punch the Baron until we beat him, and then there’s another cutscene and there’s no chance to save the horses and the stable boy and like. Come on! Anyway, the cutscene is super gross and upsetting, and we get through the whole thing and go back outside and the fire is out and DF is like, no.
SO he RELOADS from an earlier save, which is maybe the first time he’s actually resorted to that in this whole game? which given he’s in Death March is really saying something? so he can go back and try to save the horses. He actually steps back far enough that we lost the thing we did with the armorer, but this time he avoids the Baron on the way in so he can dive into this burning building and try to save the horses and the boy, and we hear the man shouting but can’t see him, and so we let the horses out and get the door open and–
BAM straight into the cutscene with the Baron, and he punches us to death again but fortunately the thing had autosaved right before the cutscene, so we just had to try again. For some reason, the Baron can kill Geralt with his fists far more easily than Geralt can render him unconscious– and for that matter, far more easily than level 5 bandits with axes, the bear, the wolves, the drowners– I mean, we had more trouble with the fucking Baron’s drunk fists than we had with basically any other foe. The final time through, the Baron’s health was on the last little tickmark on its bar and I started counting and Geralt punched him a full twenty-five additional times before he fell down. So that was super fucking annoying, but at least we could then skip through the dialogue.
“I should try other options in the dialogue tree,” DF said a bit wearily, poking the skip button as fast as he could, “but all of them involve being nicer to the Baron and I am Not Doing That.” (I hadn’t realized that all this was this quest, and so hadn’t really adequately warned them, but there’s been some… not-smooth-sailing in the reproductive adventures of this little family, and neither of them were exactly traumatized by the storyline but neither of them were psyched about the storyline either. Like… gross, man. If you’re going to write stories about that kind of shit you really ought to do it more sensitively than this. But, Written By Men, one thousand percent.) (MM was like, “Man, no way did she run outta there right after that, I was on so much Percocet…”
So, Fuck That Guy, to sum up. On that sort of not upbeat note, we went to bed.
Last night’s Witchering was amusing but somewhat marred by how purely gross and Written By A Man the entire Bloody Baron plot winds up being.
It’s just one giant TW for miscarriage, abuse, domestic violence, etc. The only saving grace was that without either of us weighing in at all, DF kept picking the absolutely-least-sympathetic dialogue options as the Baron is blubbering about what an awful fucking person he is like he expects Geralt to console him. Listen, bud, you’re fucking gross, and Geralt’s not sorry for you. But… yeah, a man wrote that.
We did have some amusing times before that. We cleared out the wraiths from the old Riordan manor, and found the skeleton walled up in the basement. (Grim.) The old lady was definitely scamming us, though– there was no chest of treasures. We got a bunch of random shit but nothing that exciting. Which was fine, because the XP was what we were after, and after that we were a shiny new Level 5!
Riding around, we developed a way to get Roach to jump over fences. This method is that you get off the horse, climb over the fence yourself, walk a short distance, and then whistle, and Roach will come up again on the correct side of the obstacle so you can get back on her. She reminds me a bit of various horses I rode as a child, most of whom would do ridiculous things to avoid jumping over a basic obstacle, so in this respect she is very horse-like. However, I also never met a horse that would in any way come when called, so that remains disturbingly unrealistic.
Then we went and found the pellar in the woods, who’d made an amulet for the baron’s missing wife. He turned out to be some bonkers guy in a coat decorated with chicken feet. We had to fast-talk some local jerks in order to get to him, but they were surprisingly amenable to Geralt’s personal charm and herb-lore and we did not have to level Axii up again to convince them.
Of course the pellar sent us out to find his missing goat, Princess. What was genuinely entertaining about this bonkers-stupid quest is how fast Geralt changed his own attitude about it. He was skeptical of the pellar the whole time, but not so skeptical he wouldn’t do what the guy asked. And he found the goat, and was like “I have to ring this stupid bell the whole time?” and verbatim told the goat “Move, you piece of shit!” and then a bear attacks and he’s got to defend her and it’s kind of a tough fight but winnable, and then suddenly he’s super fond of this goat, and says they’re friends now, and says the goat is like Roach in that Roach doesn’t talk much and that’s what he likes in a friend. He says all of this in like, an ongoing running monologue as he’s leading this goat gently back to her pen.
It turns out the pellar does genuinely need Princess because he needs to use goat’s milk in the ritual he does to get the spirits to talk to him. And Geralt’s like… listening to this dude sounding like Linda Blair from the Exorcist, and he’s still like “Hm, I dunno if this guy is for real.”
But at some point he decides he is, and they seem to be buds after that. Like, Geralt is now Ride Or Die for this pellar, and also we finally bought another Water Essence so we can make Cat potion, whee!
Then we went back to the Baron’s place, and it’s on fire. Well that’s exciting. DF is hellbent on talking to the armorer, though, so. He goes in and there’s a cutscene and a guy is begging Geralt to save his brother from the burning stables, and Geralt’s like yeah sure I’ll do it, and the cutscene ends and Geralt’s immediately like hey, armorer, can you help me with this thing? and the whole dialogue has the fire light and bell ringing and whatnot and the armorer is completely unconcerned.
Anyway, we get the thing we wanted from the armorer and then run in and there’s the stable on fire, and there’s the Baron, and so we get immediately roped into a cutscene with the Baron and oh now we have to fistfight him? to the death? what the heck? and then he KILLS GERALT with his fists so we have to reload and what the heck was that??? so we have to punch the Baron until we beat him, and then there’s another cutscene and there’s no chance to save the horses and the stable boy and like. Come on! Anyway, the cutscene is super gross and upsetting, and we get through the whole thing and go back outside and the fire is out and DF is like, no.
SO he RELOADS from an earlier save, which is maybe the first time he’s actually resorted to that in this whole game? which given he’s in Death March is really saying something? so he can go back and try to save the horses. He actually steps back far enough that we lost the thing we did with the armorer, but this time he avoids the Baron on the way in so he can dive into this burning building and try to save the horses and the boy, and we hear the man shouting but can’t see him, and so we let the horses out and get the door open and–
BAM straight into the cutscene with the Baron, and he punches us to death again but fortunately the thing had autosaved right before the cutscene, so we just had to try again. For some reason, the Baron can kill Geralt with his fists far more easily than Geralt can render him unconscious– and for that matter, far more easily than level 5 bandits with axes, the bear, the wolves, the drowners– I mean, we had more trouble with the fucking Baron’s drunk fists than we had with basically any other foe. The final time through, the Baron’s health was on the last little tickmark on its bar and I started counting and Geralt punched him a full twenty-five additional times before he fell down. So that was super fucking annoying, but at least we could then skip through the dialogue.
“I should try other options in the dialogue tree,” DF said a bit wearily, poking the skip button as fast as he could, “but all of them involve being nicer to the Baron and I am Not Doing That.” (I hadn’t realized that all this was this quest, and so hadn’t really adequately warned them, but there’s been some… not-smooth-sailing in the reproductive adventures of this little family, and neither of them were exactly traumatized by the storyline but neither of them were psyched about the storyline either. Like… gross, man. If you’re going to write stories about that kind of shit you really ought to do it more sensitively than this. But, Written By Men, one thousand percent.) (MM was like, “Man, no way did she run outta there right after that, I was on so much Percocet…”
So, Fuck That Guy, to sum up. On that sort of not upbeat note, we went to bed.
no subject
Date: 2020-05-10 07:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-05-12 02:28 am (UTC)A Man Wrote This is the title.
and the refrain.
and it's all about
oh, sorceresses with their tits out for literally no reason, perfect hair and ragged clothes, women pitted against one another, women RIDING A HORSE hours after a, ahem, all of that, a man who beat his wife for twenty plus years being supposed to be redeemed by being sorry she left finally, women throwing themselves at ungroomed brooding heroes, the whole lot.
it's fun storytelling sure but Oh My God A Man Wrote That.
no subject
Date: 2020-05-14 03:44 am (UTC)Shall I quote?
[Jaskier] divided women - including magicians - into very likeable, likeable, unlikeable, and very unlikeable. The very likeable reacted to the proposition of being bedded wwith joyful acquiescence, the likeable with a happy smile. The unlikeable reacted unpredictably. The very unlikeable were counted by the troubadour to be those to whom the very thought of presenting such a proposition made his back go strangely cold and his knees shake.
Philippa Eilhart, though very attractive, was decidedly very unlikeable.
*insert eyerolling emoji here* Written By A Man!