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Well. After a hectic day, I left for Buffalo after the farmer’s market. It was kind of an anticlimactic leavetaking; my sister was super cranky for some reason and was really short with me about everything, even though I’d really put myself out to make her day possible logistically– she’d’ve had to work the market, if I hadn’t stayed to do it, and wouldn’t have been able to mind the final CSA pickup of the season and also clean her house in advance of houseguests, and I figured she’d be appreciative, but she didn’t seem to be, so it was weird, but. I mean. She’s not really demonstrative, idk what i expected.
And I’d really put myself out for BIL, and he was like “I need to give you money,” and I’d said listen I gotta go right after market, so I more or less did– I puttered around a little, and I got Farmkid to come say goodbye to me, but he was busy with his dad visiting and I was like, welp, I’m just going to go, because I have four and a half hours of driving to do and it is getting on toward 4pm and I really just want to go to a place where I have actual possessions and like my own clothes, so I left, and like an hour later Farmsister, who had watched me leave, texted and was like oh my husband wanted to say goodbye and give you money! and like. was i just. supposed to sit around and wait for that? no I have three hundred miles to drive and I delayed my leavetaking by about 10 hours already, I’m not going to sit around indefinitely. it’s fine, I’ll see y’all again in like, two weeks.
Part of it is that I know that I’ve been kind of exerting myself to be upbeat and cheerful about recent events, and I really just want to sit and sulk, but I know it’s unproductive, but I’d sort of like to be coddled and cosseted a bit, and that doesn’t really fit in with my need to also be a people-pleaser, so it’s kind of been a bit exhausting. However, I am concerned that I’m going to fall apart at home, because Dude is not a coddler and cosseter, but I do want someone to do that for me, and I’m not going to be able to keep up the cheerful facade. So I just. I think I need to sit in my car and cry for a while, maybe, and I ought to have gotten that out of the way on the ride home but I was too tired and sore and frightened to do it then.
Oh yeah, I spent the entire drive kind of low-key catastrophizing. So many disasters and misfortunes have befallen that I spent the whole four and a half hours in this exhausted dreary grim sort of “well, so much awful shit has happened, that it would just be typical if I [insert catastrophe here]’d right now,” as I contemplated car accidents and weather disasters and so on and so forth. What if my engine exploded. What if i spun out. What if I just– drove off the road. What if an animal ran out, or worse, a person, and I couldn’t miss them? what if my tire fell off. What if that truck in front of me stopped– fucking hell why would you actually stop short on the fucking thruway you nitwit, which neatly answered the “what if” with a “well then I’d stop too”, which was not as reassuring as you’d hope. So that was exhausting. But I made it home without incident, and Dude was waiting with a cheese plate and a long hug, so I’ll take it.
The cat is sitting on me just now, so I’ll also take that. And I’ve had a shower, finally– the farm water makes my hair cake into chunks, whether I use shampoo or not, which rather takes the joy out of showering so I never wash my hair there anymore and then i wind up super extra gross. My skin is a fucking disaster zone, largely because all my toiletries also perished in the fire and I’ve been getting by on fresh air, plain water, and beeswax-calendula burn cream. The burn blister scab on my forehead is fucking disgusting at the moment and I am not thrilled, but my whole chest is just a plate of stress hives and eczema plus the burn blister on my tit, so like. Whatever. Ugh. I give up. It’s all terrible. But I’m home and my cat is here and that’s just what it is. I’m wearing my own underwear, at least, though I can’t find my bathrobe and I don’t know where anything is.
It’s fine. i’m here. I’m alive. It’s fine.
Well. After a hectic day, I left for Buffalo after the farmer’s market. It was kind of an anticlimactic leavetaking; my sister was super cranky for some reason and was really short with me about everything, even though I’d really put myself out to make her day possible logistically– she’d’ve had to work the market, if I hadn’t stayed to do it, and wouldn’t have been able to mind the final CSA pickup of the season and also clean her house in advance of houseguests, and I figured she’d be appreciative, but she didn’t seem to be, so it was weird, but. I mean. She’s not really demonstrative, idk what i expected.
And I’d really put myself out for BIL, and he was like “I need to give you money,” and I’d said listen I gotta go right after market, so I more or less did– I puttered around a little, and I got Farmkid to come say goodbye to me, but he was busy with his dad visiting and I was like, welp, I’m just going to go, because I have four and a half hours of driving to do and it is getting on toward 4pm and I really just want to go to a place where I have actual possessions and like my own clothes, so I left, and like an hour later Farmsister, who had watched me leave, texted and was like oh my husband wanted to say goodbye and give you money! and like. was i just. supposed to sit around and wait for that? no I have three hundred miles to drive and I delayed my leavetaking by about 10 hours already, I’m not going to sit around indefinitely. it’s fine, I’ll see y’all again in like, two weeks.
Part of it is that I know that I’ve been kind of exerting myself to be upbeat and cheerful about recent events, and I really just want to sit and sulk, but I know it’s unproductive, but I’d sort of like to be coddled and cosseted a bit, and that doesn’t really fit in with my need to also be a people-pleaser, so it’s kind of been a bit exhausting. However, I am concerned that I’m going to fall apart at home, because Dude is not a coddler and cosseter, but I do want someone to do that for me, and I’m not going to be able to keep up the cheerful facade. So I just. I think I need to sit in my car and cry for a while, maybe, and I ought to have gotten that out of the way on the ride home but I was too tired and sore and frightened to do it then.
Oh yeah, I spent the entire drive kind of low-key catastrophizing. So many disasters and misfortunes have befallen that I spent the whole four and a half hours in this exhausted dreary grim sort of “well, so much awful shit has happened, that it would just be typical if I [insert catastrophe here]’d right now,” as I contemplated car accidents and weather disasters and so on and so forth. What if my engine exploded. What if i spun out. What if I just– drove off the road. What if an animal ran out, or worse, a person, and I couldn’t miss them? what if my tire fell off. What if that truck in front of me stopped– fucking hell why would you actually stop short on the fucking thruway you nitwit, which neatly answered the “what if” with a “well then I’d stop too”, which was not as reassuring as you’d hope. So that was exhausting. But I made it home without incident, and Dude was waiting with a cheese plate and a long hug, so I’ll take it.
The cat is sitting on me just now, so I’ll also take that. And I’ve had a shower, finally– the farm water makes my hair cake into chunks, whether I use shampoo or not, which rather takes the joy out of showering so I never wash my hair there anymore and then i wind up super extra gross. My skin is a fucking disaster zone, largely because all my toiletries also perished in the fire and I’ve been getting by on fresh air, plain water, and beeswax-calendula burn cream. The burn blister scab on my forehead is fucking disgusting at the moment and I am not thrilled, but my whole chest is just a plate of stress hives and eczema plus the burn blister on my tit, so like. Whatever. Ugh. I give up. It’s all terrible. But I’m home and my cat is here and that’s just what it is. I’m wearing my own underwear, at least, though I can’t find my bathrobe and I don’t know where anything is.
It’s fine. i’m here. I’m alive. It’s fine.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-03 04:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-04 11:38 am (UTC)I should ask you for tiny house recs! I know that's a thing you research.
The thing is, though, I don't need mine to have a bathroom or kitchen, so. Most of them are not quite what I need at all.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-04 09:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-05 02:15 pm (UTC)I'm sort of torn about having the house be standalone. It makes sense, I think, to build it in such a way that a kitchen and bathroom could be added to it, because it's perfectly possible that they'll wind up using it for employees or apprentices if I ever stop going to visit the farm, and in that case it'd need a kitchen. I'm leaning toward having it constructed on skids and then reversibly anchored to foundation blocks, so that it could also be relocated. Like... why not keep it flexible? So that's my current thinking. It's not going to be free, so why not keep it kind of open-ended for future improvements?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-05 06:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-03 03:10 pm (UTC)