a dozen cuts
Jul. 31st, 2019 12:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragonlady7Between the traffic ticket, the Potentially Letting Down of Farmkid, the Fucked-Up Line In That Fic I Wrote That Was Hurting People Every Minute while I was obligatorily offline, having to go to the garage twice to get them to fill out my traffic ticket form correctly, and then a misunderstanding where Dude didn't realize a planned few days off I'd asked him to take from work were next week (we discussed it months ago before he transitioned employers, back when the vacation policy was "whatever", so he clearly did not recall it; relatedly, every one of our social obligations is my responsibility at all times including reminding him of them and he is under no obligation to be pleasant even about pleasant things I remind him of, it is all A Sore Trial He Must Endure, yes even outings with his family!), and then this morning's confrontation with Nutty Truck Lady (pull your truck! forward two inches! you are taking up two spaces! oh my god! you did not need to let every employee and customer of this plaza know your Issues like that!)
... listen I know that isn't much at all, but I do so poorly with confrontation and like. social interactions in general. and most of it has resolved just fine, or like. just sort of went away and doesn't matter.
but it's a lot for my stupidly fragile brain, and I just want to sit here a moment and not formlessly anxiety myself into a State.
It's amazing how little difference it makes, whether the conflicts are important or not, whether they're with someone important to me or not, whether they're resolved or not-- they just hang on, somewhere between my ribs and my spine, sort of grinding, and it's like having to pee, or having a sore tooth, or something else entirely, but it's like something, and it's not like I can think my way out of it, it's just there
this grating little niggle of you fucked up, they're all mad at you, nobody's ever going to put up with you again, eventually nobody will talk to you
And it's like, you know, I had this delusion that I was a well-adjusted person, and maybe I am because I'm functioning just fine through all this. But all my spare mental space is spent on this whirring background process, like a computer running an illicit download behind the processes you're actually trying to get it to do, or something, just, there it is, your CPU's at 110% usage and you're not doing anything, it's making that weird grinding noise and the fan's been on for hours and you haven't so much as reloaded a webpage, why is the battery almost at 0? wtf?
Super annoying!
... listen I know that isn't much at all, but I do so poorly with confrontation and like. social interactions in general. and most of it has resolved just fine, or like. just sort of went away and doesn't matter.
but it's a lot for my stupidly fragile brain, and I just want to sit here a moment and not formlessly anxiety myself into a State.
It's amazing how little difference it makes, whether the conflicts are important or not, whether they're with someone important to me or not, whether they're resolved or not-- they just hang on, somewhere between my ribs and my spine, sort of grinding, and it's like having to pee, or having a sore tooth, or something else entirely, but it's like something, and it's not like I can think my way out of it, it's just there
this grating little niggle of you fucked up, they're all mad at you, nobody's ever going to put up with you again, eventually nobody will talk to you
And it's like, you know, I had this delusion that I was a well-adjusted person, and maybe I am because I'm functioning just fine through all this. But all my spare mental space is spent on this whirring background process, like a computer running an illicit download behind the processes you're actually trying to get it to do, or something, just, there it is, your CPU's at 110% usage and you're not doing anything, it's making that weird grinding noise and the fan's been on for hours and you haven't so much as reloaded a webpage, why is the battery almost at 0? wtf?
Super annoying!
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Date: 2019-08-01 05:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-01 11:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-01 06:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-01 11:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-01 12:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-01 02:17 pm (UTC)Ooh, that metaphor about CPU usage is perfect and so good for explaining how it feels. Too bad we can't reformat or defrag our brains, though.