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dragonlady7via http://ift.tt/1SpDFbd:
i woke up in the midst of an anxiety attack this morning. i wasn’t dreaming anything particularly scary– it was a very mundane nothing-dream, just going about rote business and nothing upsetting or whatever, but I woke up short of breath and terrified. o-b-n-o-x-i-o-u-s. [cut for personal whining and tl;dr i have no phone today and also am short of breath from panicking even though i don’t care about anything jesus god let me fucking breathe you stupid brain chemicals]
had to talk myself down and remember that nothing terrible is happening and there isn’t even currently anything looming over my head that I’ve been too executive-dysfunctiony to do. (Usually there’s at least something I’m dreading, something I haven’t taken care of. Overdue student loans was it for about ten years, but those are taken care of. I’ve even gotten my taxes filed. This is what the Dude is for; he’s also shit at these things but he’s better at them than me.)
It helped that Chita came and lay on my face for a while because she wanted me to be awake. She does that in the mornings. It would be obnoxious except I usually am awake anyway so I enjoy it. Also I’m not allergic so it’s okay that she’s on my face. Kitty snuggles are an acceptable method of easing into the day. (Though yesterday, she punctuated this by vomiting on the laundry at the foot of the bed, so I stepped in it first thing, because she is A Delight.)
But I got ready for work anyway, and all was fine until I went to leave the house and my phone– wasn’t in the handful of similarly-shaped things I put into my laptop bag? Wallet (i currently use a cigarette case as a wallet because I am Classy), pack of gum, box of Star-Wars-themed Band-Aids so I can choose one to apply to the gross wart on my thumb after I medicate it later– no phone. I went into my car and put the stereo onto bluetooth mode and it found my phone, but then I reversed out of the driveway and it lost connection.
This is what Bluetooth is for: i use it to find my phone.
I went back in. “Call it please?” I asked the Dude. He did so. It wasn’t in the bathroom or the bedroom or the kitchen. He was standing next to the couch where I’d been sitting, so I assumed he’d hear it there if it were there. Also I was sure I remembered bringing it in from there; I’d sat there texting my family, and then I’d surely carried it with me into the kitchen as I got ready, so surely it disappeared somewhere in the kitchen– no.
No, it was on the couch, next to him, he just didn’t hear it because it was on vibrate on a soft surface. Uuuugggghhhh.
No real big deal but my parents are currently traveling and will doubtless text a shitload of stuff and be weirded out that I don’t respond.
Ugggghhhhh you guys. I am so sad. I will be mostly offline. I have my laptop but I only brought it because I like to have it near me. I don’t use it at work. I’m on it now because nobody’s at work yet to see me doing this. We’ll see how long I can stretch that out.
I just wish I could breathe, y’know? And like– tips on breathing better, people are always like IF YOU CAN’T BREATHE GO TO THE HOSPITAL and it’s like, but this happens fucking constantly, I understand how for liability purposes you gotta say that but just, ugh.
Lately people’s advice to me has all been just like what my sister said when I texted her the photo of the mystery keys the thief broke into my car to leave. I was like, “can’t believe I forgot to lock my car, also this asshole, these are probably someone’s work keys, I should call the cops and see if anyone’s reported them missing or whatever”
and her sole response
her whole sincere true response
was “oh sweetie :( maybe you should lock your car from now on”
Like FUCKING DUH? I OPENED with the phrase I FORGOT?
Jesus fuck. Oh my god.
If that’s the sum total of family drama I have, I should be grateful, I know. (This is the same sister who drove her ass all the way out here to help me hang shelves and visit IKEA, so.)
I’m just trying to find something to get mad about and then get over in a futile bid to stop being anxious. It’s … sort of working? Maybe.
i woke up in the midst of an anxiety attack this morning. i wasn’t dreaming anything particularly scary– it was a very mundane nothing-dream, just going about rote business and nothing upsetting or whatever, but I woke up short of breath and terrified. o-b-n-o-x-i-o-u-s. [cut for personal whining and tl;dr i have no phone today and also am short of breath from panicking even though i don’t care about anything jesus god let me fucking breathe you stupid brain chemicals]
had to talk myself down and remember that nothing terrible is happening and there isn’t even currently anything looming over my head that I’ve been too executive-dysfunctiony to do. (Usually there’s at least something I’m dreading, something I haven’t taken care of. Overdue student loans was it for about ten years, but those are taken care of. I’ve even gotten my taxes filed. This is what the Dude is for; he’s also shit at these things but he’s better at them than me.)
It helped that Chita came and lay on my face for a while because she wanted me to be awake. She does that in the mornings. It would be obnoxious except I usually am awake anyway so I enjoy it. Also I’m not allergic so it’s okay that she’s on my face. Kitty snuggles are an acceptable method of easing into the day. (Though yesterday, she punctuated this by vomiting on the laundry at the foot of the bed, so I stepped in it first thing, because she is A Delight.)
But I got ready for work anyway, and all was fine until I went to leave the house and my phone– wasn’t in the handful of similarly-shaped things I put into my laptop bag? Wallet (i currently use a cigarette case as a wallet because I am Classy), pack of gum, box of Star-Wars-themed Band-Aids so I can choose one to apply to the gross wart on my thumb after I medicate it later– no phone. I went into my car and put the stereo onto bluetooth mode and it found my phone, but then I reversed out of the driveway and it lost connection.
This is what Bluetooth is for: i use it to find my phone.
I went back in. “Call it please?” I asked the Dude. He did so. It wasn’t in the bathroom or the bedroom or the kitchen. He was standing next to the couch where I’d been sitting, so I assumed he’d hear it there if it were there. Also I was sure I remembered bringing it in from there; I’d sat there texting my family, and then I’d surely carried it with me into the kitchen as I got ready, so surely it disappeared somewhere in the kitchen– no.
No, it was on the couch, next to him, he just didn’t hear it because it was on vibrate on a soft surface. Uuuugggghhhh.
No real big deal but my parents are currently traveling and will doubtless text a shitload of stuff and be weirded out that I don’t respond.
Ugggghhhhh you guys. I am so sad. I will be mostly offline. I have my laptop but I only brought it because I like to have it near me. I don’t use it at work. I’m on it now because nobody’s at work yet to see me doing this. We’ll see how long I can stretch that out.
I just wish I could breathe, y’know? And like– tips on breathing better, people are always like IF YOU CAN’T BREATHE GO TO THE HOSPITAL and it’s like, but this happens fucking constantly, I understand how for liability purposes you gotta say that but just, ugh.
Lately people’s advice to me has all been just like what my sister said when I texted her the photo of the mystery keys the thief broke into my car to leave. I was like, “can’t believe I forgot to lock my car, also this asshole, these are probably someone’s work keys, I should call the cops and see if anyone’s reported them missing or whatever”
and her sole response
her whole sincere true response
was “oh sweetie :( maybe you should lock your car from now on”
Like FUCKING DUH? I OPENED with the phrase I FORGOT?
Jesus fuck. Oh my god.
If that’s the sum total of family drama I have, I should be grateful, I know. (This is the same sister who drove her ass all the way out here to help me hang shelves and visit IKEA, so.)
I’m just trying to find something to get mad about and then get over in a futile bid to stop being anxious. It’s … sort of working? Maybe.
