what demisexuality isn’t
Mar. 12th, 2017 04:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragonlady7via http://ift.tt/2mfEvdR:
I saw a post go by– and I think it was @anhamirak, fighting the good fight against aphobia in a blistering series of posts earlier– wherein someone was saying that they might as well ID as demisexual because they would never cheat on a partner. (The poster in question seemed to also hate asexuals because they believed asexuals thought of themselves as “purer” than allosexuals, which is something I’ve literally never actually encountered a real ace who did believe. !!?!?!)
And it made me really mad, because it served as a great example of a Discourse I’ve seen elsewhere: how many people don’t think demisexuality is real because they think it just means “virtuously monogamous”.
Not the same thing!
Just because it’s vanishingly rare for me to encounter a person I’m actually sexually compatible with doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen for me twice simultaneously, and absolutely doesn’t mean I couldn’t handle it badly. It’s taken me a long time to figure out I’m demi. Let me tell you, sexual appetite has nothing to do with it; I was an early and precocious discoverer of some particular types of self-love. In most of my relationships, there’s been a mismatched sex drive, and it’s me who’s the voracious one. I’ve even been involved in orgies and things, though my involvement was somewhat confused and limited; the confusion was mostly because I’m socially awkward, not because I’m demisexual.
I’ve also had my head turned by an attractive friend and wanted to experiment; when my monogamous partner wasn’t interested, I didn’t pursue it further, but that was because I talked it out with him like a grown-up, not because I’m inherently good at not cheating.
I’m not “virtuously monogamous” as a sexual orientation.
Monogamy isn’t inherently virtuous. Demisexuality isn’t inherently virtuous. Asexuality isn’t inherently virtuous. Demisexuality isn’t inherently monogamy.
Monogamy is a choice. Virtue is a choice.
Demisexuality, and in fact all types of asexuality, aren’t choices. One can choose how one expresses them– just as with any sexual orientation– but one can’t choose to be them.
I saw a post go by– and I think it was @anhamirak, fighting the good fight against aphobia in a blistering series of posts earlier– wherein someone was saying that they might as well ID as demisexual because they would never cheat on a partner. (The poster in question seemed to also hate asexuals because they believed asexuals thought of themselves as “purer” than allosexuals, which is something I’ve literally never actually encountered a real ace who did believe. !!?!?!)
And it made me really mad, because it served as a great example of a Discourse I’ve seen elsewhere: how many people don’t think demisexuality is real because they think it just means “virtuously monogamous”.
Not the same thing!
Just because it’s vanishingly rare for me to encounter a person I’m actually sexually compatible with doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen for me twice simultaneously, and absolutely doesn’t mean I couldn’t handle it badly. It’s taken me a long time to figure out I’m demi. Let me tell you, sexual appetite has nothing to do with it; I was an early and precocious discoverer of some particular types of self-love. In most of my relationships, there’s been a mismatched sex drive, and it’s me who’s the voracious one. I’ve even been involved in orgies and things, though my involvement was somewhat confused and limited; the confusion was mostly because I’m socially awkward, not because I’m demisexual.
I’ve also had my head turned by an attractive friend and wanted to experiment; when my monogamous partner wasn’t interested, I didn’t pursue it further, but that was because I talked it out with him like a grown-up, not because I’m inherently good at not cheating.
I’m not “virtuously monogamous” as a sexual orientation.
Monogamy isn’t inherently virtuous. Demisexuality isn’t inherently virtuous. Asexuality isn’t inherently virtuous. Demisexuality isn’t inherently monogamy.
Monogamy is a choice. Virtue is a choice.
Demisexuality, and in fact all types of asexuality, aren’t choices. One can choose how one expresses them– just as with any sexual orientation– but one can’t choose to be them.
