![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragonlady7via http://ift.tt/22v0ot2:
I’m at the farm, if the sudden inundation of family photos hasn’t been a clue; my cousin and her husband and two-year-old were up visiting my sister and her husband and two-year-old, and it was a lot of fun. I am now at the farm and settling into Work Mode; tomorrow sis has to pay for having played for two days and it’s going to be a big Catch Up On Planting day. But it’s mostly greenhouse work, so hopefully I can be useful even though I am Out of Shape and Not Great At Farming.
Them having a full-time employee has already made the work so much more enjoyable though– they’ve got a farm manager, who was an intern with them for two years, and is salaried not hourly, and knows damn well that they’d pay him more if they could afford to, and he’s a young guy (a year or two younger than them) with a lot of ideas and energy and motivation and he just cares, which is super nice. Also, the 2-year-old thinks he’s a rock star, and he’s comfortable enough now with her that he thinks it’s hilarious as opposed to being weirded out by it. (All that attention can sometimes be a little strange, especially when she wants to show off that she can pee on the potty etcetera… but today he said it’s kind of nice because he knows every day he doesn’t really have to do anything to have someone tell him he’s awesome, so it takes some pressure off life in general.)
Today at the top of the tallest hill on the farm, standing next to my dad’s cousin (a deeply eccentric fellow of about seventy… three?, very sweet and very odd and very much A Character for all of my life), my sister looked around at the view and said, sort of overwhelmed, “Sometimes I just can’t get over looking around and knowing this is mine. Look at this! This is mine! I’m going to make it work.” And it was a very emotional moment, for her and for me, and I’m not actually sure what our cousin was thinking but he seemed generally benevolent about the whole thing. (Actually he said “Well, give it forty years and see what you can get done.” Which he probably meant to be encouraging, knowing him. I think she took it that way. Well, he’s right about forty years older than she is, so it’s pretty apropos.)
So. I’m very distracted and very busy, which is kind of funny because The Novel is consuming most of my idle moments still, I just have fewer of them.
It’s also kind of funny because the haze of seasonal depression has lifted, and is revealing that holy fuck is my brain chemistry fucked up; I was so suppressed and shut-down all winter that I wasn’t really aware of it but now I’m like, yo, there is some fucked up shit going on in that brain. It’s not like, painful or particularly uncomfortable, but it’s like– right at the edges of my awareness I’ve got a lot of flickering shadows of, like, intrusive thoughts and weird shit and just fucking terrible moods and whatnot. It’s very– unnerving, but at least it’s not debilitating? It’s not really affecting my function at all, so I figure I’ll just, y’know, keep functioning, but dang. I don’t really know how to describe it.
So anyway. It’s easier to say oh my gosh i will never finish this novel and maybe it’s crap but that’s not at all how I feel about it. It’s as close as I can explain it, but I don’t genuinely think it’s crap. I just keep having waves of thinking everything is crap. Including things I’m currently in the process of enjoying. So. It’s kind of– I lack the language to explain it.
Nothing’s wrong! It’s just not quite right either! Ugh.
I’m at the farm, if the sudden inundation of family photos hasn’t been a clue; my cousin and her husband and two-year-old were up visiting my sister and her husband and two-year-old, and it was a lot of fun. I am now at the farm and settling into Work Mode; tomorrow sis has to pay for having played for two days and it’s going to be a big Catch Up On Planting day. But it’s mostly greenhouse work, so hopefully I can be useful even though I am Out of Shape and Not Great At Farming.
Them having a full-time employee has already made the work so much more enjoyable though– they’ve got a farm manager, who was an intern with them for two years, and is salaried not hourly, and knows damn well that they’d pay him more if they could afford to, and he’s a young guy (a year or two younger than them) with a lot of ideas and energy and motivation and he just cares, which is super nice. Also, the 2-year-old thinks he’s a rock star, and he’s comfortable enough now with her that he thinks it’s hilarious as opposed to being weirded out by it. (All that attention can sometimes be a little strange, especially when she wants to show off that she can pee on the potty etcetera… but today he said it’s kind of nice because he knows every day he doesn’t really have to do anything to have someone tell him he’s awesome, so it takes some pressure off life in general.)
Today at the top of the tallest hill on the farm, standing next to my dad’s cousin (a deeply eccentric fellow of about seventy… three?, very sweet and very odd and very much A Character for all of my life), my sister looked around at the view and said, sort of overwhelmed, “Sometimes I just can’t get over looking around and knowing this is mine. Look at this! This is mine! I’m going to make it work.” And it was a very emotional moment, for her and for me, and I’m not actually sure what our cousin was thinking but he seemed generally benevolent about the whole thing. (Actually he said “Well, give it forty years and see what you can get done.” Which he probably meant to be encouraging, knowing him. I think she took it that way. Well, he’s right about forty years older than she is, so it’s pretty apropos.)
So. I’m very distracted and very busy, which is kind of funny because The Novel is consuming most of my idle moments still, I just have fewer of them.
It’s also kind of funny because the haze of seasonal depression has lifted, and is revealing that holy fuck is my brain chemistry fucked up; I was so suppressed and shut-down all winter that I wasn’t really aware of it but now I’m like, yo, there is some fucked up shit going on in that brain. It’s not like, painful or particularly uncomfortable, but it’s like– right at the edges of my awareness I’ve got a lot of flickering shadows of, like, intrusive thoughts and weird shit and just fucking terrible moods and whatnot. It’s very– unnerving, but at least it’s not debilitating? It’s not really affecting my function at all, so I figure I’ll just, y’know, keep functioning, but dang. I don’t really know how to describe it.
So anyway. It’s easier to say oh my gosh i will never finish this novel and maybe it’s crap but that’s not at all how I feel about it. It’s as close as I can explain it, but I don’t genuinely think it’s crap. I just keep having waves of thinking everything is crap. Including things I’m currently in the process of enjoying. So. It’s kind of– I lack the language to explain it.
Nothing’s wrong! It’s just not quite right either! Ugh.
