ocs
via https://ift.tt/3cYG38g
so for various long story reasons involving his grandfather’s pocket knives
and being locked in a house for twelve months, my dude recently purchased a
pocket knife, and after his normal fashion, this was preceded by excessive
research, after which he bought a kind of overengineered example of the
genre from a specialty retailer. none of this is crucial to the story,
except–
well yesterday in the mail a catalogue came, from and please understand
that if i new how to do fancy font effects I would, SMOKY MOUNTAIN
KNIFEWORKS.
While dude was cooking dinner– his specialty, which is to take a hunk of
fillet of salmon and pan-sear it to perfection in this stainless steel
braising pan we have that has to be heated with the oil in it just right or
it’s a sticking nightmare but if you do it just so you get this gorgeous
sear and the fish slides right out the pan onto your plate like chef’s
kiss
anyway I was sitting at the table in the eat-in kitchen chortling like a
feral goblin as I leafed through this catalogue.
cut entirely for length, please join me on this ride:
Please understand, though, I wasn’t mocking it at all. I kept saying I
need this every page and I was completely unironic. Possibly the best part
of all this is that Dude had somehow despite being in an exclusive
relationship with me for eighteen years had before this moment never quite
realized that I am
super into knives
and have held myself back all this time out of sheer desperate clear-eyed
understanding that I am a suburbanite now and it is inappropriate for me to
own a machete. But understand that when I was growing up a machete was a
perfectly normal thing for a child to possess and even use fairly regularly.
It came out in conversation that dude has never even held a machete, and
like, who are we.
anyway. The item I have fixed my beady little eyes upon (after a suitable
detour to howl at the tin signs featuring guns and the slogan Curious
About Life After Death? Try Trespassing, And Find Out and weeping eagles
with slogans about freedom and such, and several with slogans about
hunting; I admit those were reactions of a possibly-mocking sort) is this:
it is a mock-abalone-decorated POCKET KNIFE shaped like a LADY’S LEG IN A
HIGH HEEL SHOE this is the most amazing thing i have ever seen?????
I am consumed with a passionate need to own this, and yet, I already own a
keychain knife and a boxcutter and several other cutting implements. I have
no real need of a pocket knife shaped like a lady’s leg in a high heel shoe.
I need it, though, and I’m not even sure why.
But around this moment, like a lightning bolt, it came to me, that this
creature, who is now I guess an OC?– the version of me that is a selkie who
is also a bear, who lives in a cabin in the woods with a hot tub on the
deck, and who eats salmon by the bucketfull while lounging in her hot tub
with her tits out–
the bearselkie would own this knife
and would also have one of those trucker hats with the slogan about women
wanting me and fish fearing me
and would own several machetes at the very least, so
IDK that she’s an OC but she’s sort of veered off just being my platonic
self-actualized ideal a bit, what with, like, one thing and another, so
really maybe she is
anyway, I don’t have a conclusion for this, just take a moment and
wistfully imagine this bearselkie in her cute woodscabin with its deck and
hot tub, and the cute postal carrier arrives with a package and since this
is a better world there’s a moment for the bearselkie to answer the door
for her package wearing her hastily thrown-on cargo shorts and an open
flannel shirt with nothing under it and the fish fear me trucker hat and
she signs for her long-anticipated package and then proceeds to excitedly
open it with this in-context incredibly gay lady’s leg-shaped folding
knife right before the cute postal carrier’s dazzled eyes, and idk what’s
in the package that’s so great but this has veered off into a slightly more
pornographic place than I’d intended on going but boy I sure have been
kinda isolated and under a lotta stress this past year idk about y’all
but prolly they eventually fuck on the bearskin rug by the fire which is
actually the bearselkie’s skin and maybe there’s plot at some point when
the cute mail carrier finds out but maybe nobody really questions anything
and it’s just hot because let us have nice things.
(Your picture was not posted)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
