via https://ift.tt/386urOQ
Am currently really struggling through what I think is kind of an RSD
thing, so that’s a bummer– IDK if it’s rejection-sensitive dysphoria or
just having a bad time (unspecified), but I’m just straight up not having a
good time bro.
Part of it is that I applied for a different job (shh, don’t fuss, don’t
tell the camera store, I probably won’t get it)– if I’m making minimum
anyway, then the world is wide open of other jobs that will pay me minimum,
and while it’s not that I’m wild about working from home, something I could
do both while in Buffalo and while at the farm would do a great deal to
steady out my income over the year, which Dude does tend to give me shit
about). And that meant looking at my resume, which was depressing– I’ve
been terrible at, and miserable at, every job I’ve ever had, according to
my jerkbrain (which let’s be fair is probably correct in this matter), so
that’s. Upsetting.
As part of this I looked up contact info for a place I volunteered, at
which I’d asked to be considered for a position if one came available– I
need references, and have worked at my current position 12 years, and if I
don’t want them to know I’m job-hunting (I don’t want them to know, it will
probably come to nothing and I don’t want them getting so upset with me I
have to leave, if I haven’t anything else lined up, which I probably
don’t!) I can’t use anyone there, and boy if you go back more than 12 years
whomst among my professional contacts would even still know who I was???–
and while I was there I noticed, well. They have a job posting. For the
position I wanted. I’m not qualified, likely, they’re not wrong, I’m not
actually good at the job, it just extra-stung to know I’m only good enough
to do that job if I do it for free.
(So then that spirals into– I’ve never been freely given a raise, you know.
Every raise I’ve ever had in my life was either mandated by the structure
of the company, or mandated by the state in the form of minimum wage
increases, and one time precisely I managed to kick up a huge fuss at
current job and bully them into giving me another quarter an hour but I was
guilted over that for fully five years afterward and never asked again. I’m
not a good employee! I’ve never been good at a single job I’ve ever had!)
Sigh. I feel like I was born at the wrong time. The only thing I can do is
either what I’m told in the moment, or write novels, and there’s not a
living to be earned in writing novels anymore, not with the current state
of publishing. I don’t regret not trying to go pro at that; mostly everyone
I know who’s tried has been miserable and not earned a living that way
despite being possibly more talented than I. I tried to do freelance
writing for a while but I hate writing articles, website copy, all of that–
none of it is remotely interesting and I’d rather be bartending.
(OK I was good at bartending, and I got good tips, but it was physically
draining and emotionally exhausting and I don’t think I could do it
anymore. Well, especially not given gestures broadly all this nonsense.)
I feel like I’ve been in a holding pattern for five, six, seven years now?
Trying to figure out how to balance the volunteer stuff with earning enough
money to pull my weight in my household, and trying to squeeze in enough
time to still be able to write– because that’s the thing, I have to
write, and it’d be fantastic if I could do it for money but whether it
earns money or not I need to have time do it because if I don’t I lose my
freaking mind and it’s a slow death. I’ve learned it’s better to give up all
other hobbies and keep writing than to try anything else, if I want to
stay alive and functioning.
Anyway. Sorry, I just felt like maybe writing it down would defang it some.
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