astroloquacious replied to your post (s) I feel

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astroloquacious replied to your post (s) 

I feel no remorse for what I’ve done. :) You are WELCOME.

I’m really getting into the “terrible, inaccurate porn as a Wolf witcher meme/rite of passage” bit now. Mostly because I did actually work as a proof-reader/line editor for a romance imprint for a year or two, so, THE THINGS I HAVE SEEN.

Man I’m coming up sort of blank on the really dumb shit, it’s a hot minute since I bothered reading any romance that wasn’t actually good. I should go look up the Crucifix Nail Nipples post. I tried for a moment to write some bad purple prose but couldn’t get into it. s-leary replied to your post “more brainstorming about Geralt’s Formative Porn Experiences”

Oh yes, that’s an outtake that needs to happen.

You know, knowing me, there’s a good chance it’ll wind up actually in the main text of the story, so. 

2nico replied to your post “oh apparently i can reply to replies again”

love it. fund it. prostitutes like “why do so many witchers have That Specific Request and why are they always the wolf ones” that’s one thing it’s a pity the ubiquity of internet porn for the youth has extinguished. formative porn and the odder benign fetishes people developed

something like shamefacedly tame like blindfolds or something bc it featured

oh man yeah, I’m old enough that I grew up in the era of non-ubiquitous porn and I definitely remember a few of the earlier Erotic things I encountered, most of which I just didn’t get but a few of which got weird little hooks into me and Yeah I probably don’t want to admit the things I like weirdly find arousing/disturbing now that most people wouldn’t particularly notice.

I don’t know how different it is now, when basically anybody can get hot and cold running porn to their specifications– I mean, how do you come up with the specifications when you don’t know what you like yet??? I bet you still wind up with bizarre fetishes based weirdly on what you encountered first, even with the deluge kids have got to deal with now. 
Just, as with most things, in the old days of more limited media, probably there were more frequent examples of people seizing on one particular pop culture thing that slipped through and caught a lot of young minds at formative moments, whereas now it’s all a lot more fragmented. IDK if that’s true though. 

mikkeneko replied to your post “oh apparently i can reply to replies again”

my vote on the dryads one is that the older witchers pass it on to the younger ones once they have actually Met dryads and can’t read it again. but now geralt is stuck with it, because ciri’s already met dryads

Oh there’d probably be a side note of “gosh mister are dryads really like this” and the older witchers laughing up their sleeves and saying more or less “fuck around and find out” and probably once a generation or so the dryads have to deal with an unusually gullible young Witcher who is possibly more wide-eyed than the situation warrants.

mikkeneko replied to your post “more brainstorming about Geralt’s Formative Porn Experiences”

I second the vote for an entire afternoon being spent jaskier and/or yennefer going over geralt’s bookshelf and Learning Things about their boyfriend (maybe something is going on at the keep that they have to stay out of the way of?)

I may just cram them in there for a bit. If I had a scene that long they’d definitely eventually wind up with Lambert coming in and breaking the news to them that the one where the hooker pisses on the guy was definitely not Geralt’s so stop freaking out, because he’s feeling charitable and they’ve been quietly horrified for a good ten minutes or so while he was eavesdropping. (Like, no shade, random readers, if watersports is your thing but like, I was just picking something, here, it’s nothing personal.)

This, to call back to 2nico up there, would also be the part where Lambert, because he has never really spared himself from his own horrifying honesty, would point out to them that it was a running gag among brothels that when they saw the Wolf medallion they just got out the blindfolds or whatever because all the Wolf trainees totally read the same bodice-ripper, and Jaskier’s like making light of it and Lambert’s like I’m not fucking around though if you have a blindfold I’m yours for cheap, don’t even tease.

(Hm maybe not a blindfold but definitely something super vanilla but slightly odd. Definitely softcore as fuck. Like, fuzzy handcuffs or feather dusters kind of shit. It’s not Geralt’s praise kink, he came by that honestly all by himself.) 

and later they’re like oh ha ha Geralt, Lambert was trying to get us to believe that all Wolf Witchers have a kink for fuzzy handcuffs and his attention snaps up and his pupils dilate and he’s like uhh no that’s, that’d be, that’d be really silly, I would never– uh– why, do you, uh, do you have those?

Yennefer has to magic him some and he’s almost too embarrassed to go through with it but I mean, he’d do pretty much anything they said and it winds up being the best sex of his life. (Yennefer might pout a little; all the fancy things she bothered with, and all he wanted was this super basic vanilla shit. Jaskier’s like yeah but you can’t compete with that kind of mental conditioning. Don’t ask me about older ladies in nun habits, and she’s like I’m not going to do that and he’s like no please don’t I don’t think I could actually handle it.)

How To Use Up Lettuce

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So the thing about a CSA box is that sometimes the lettuce starts coming and it doesn’t stop coming and anyway who can eat that much salad but lettuce doesn’t keep and can’t be frozen, so what do???

LETTUCE SOUP

this is a real thing and I have made it! It is super good. It is hearty, and it’s a hot soup not a chilled one, and I made this scaled up for nine people and served it with homemade pitas so that was actually kind of cool, if a bit weird. Anyway! A DW friend was gently worrying that she wouldn’t be able to use up all the lettuce in her CSA share and so I was reminded that I hadn’t shared this. (I already pasted the transcription over there but here’s the original image so y’all can check me for accuracy.)

I do not know the source, this image was texted to me from someone it had been texted to, and honestly it looks like it might have been a photocopy…

Transcription of image: INGREDIENTS: 3 Tbsp butter
1 med yellow onion, diced
4 scallions, trimmed and diced
4-6 garlic scapes, coarsely chopped OR 2 garlic cloves, peeled
2 Tbsp coarsely chopped flat-leaf parsley
2 Tbsp coarsely chopped chives
1 Tbsp fresh thyme leaves
2 large heads lettuce, ends trimmed and coarsely chopped
2 medium red potatoes, peeled and diced
3 cups chicken stock
¼ cup heavy cream, plus extra for garnish
½ tsp sea salt
¼ tsp freshly ground black pepper

METHODS: 1) in a medium Dutch oven or soup put, heat butter over medium flame until foam subsides. Add onion, scallions, and garlic scapes; sauté over medium-low heat until vegetables are softened, about 5 minutes. Add parsley, chives, and thyme; sauté for 1 minute. Add lettuce, stir and saute until wilted, about 1-2 minutes. Add potatoes and stock; cover and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to maintain a simmer and cook, covered, until the potatoes are very tender, about 10-15 minutes. 

2) Process the soup with immersion blender or transfer in batches to a blender or food processor. Add cream, salt & pepper: taste and adjust seasonings. Simmer for another 5 minutes or so, to heat through and reduce to desired thickness. Serve hot, garnished with a swirl of cream, scattered thyme leaves, and fresh chives. 

Serves 4-6

Geralt Whump Week Submission Day

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mikkeneko:

TITLE: the dying curse (you are, as all your kind, no more than a beast)

SHIP: Geralt/Jaskier

PROMPT DAY: Day 3, “Cursed”

MEDIUM: Witcher (Netflix)

WARNINGS: Mental injury, physical injury, neglect and starvation, ableist language/reactions from unsympathetic bystanders

SUMMARY: Geralt hunts a man who commands lower vampires to his will. He wins the battle, but the sorcerer uses his dying breath to put a curse on Geralt that leaves him unable to care for himself. Jaskier finds him wandering in the woods and dedicates himself to looking after his friend until a cure can be found… if  a cure can be found.

WORD COUNT: 54k (complete)

AUTHOR’S NOTES: This fic was mostly completed before geraltwhumpweek  started, but I asked the mod if I could submit an already-existing piece if it fit the theme, and they agreed it would still count. Happy Geralt Whump week everybody!

—

“Geralt, is everything all right?” Jaskier finally thought to ask, catching up to Geralt in one of his circuits. “You’re a mess – more of an mess than usual, I mean –”

He reached out to grab Geralt’s hand, only to see the Witcher flinch and then turn on him with a snarl. “Shit! Sorry,” he said, hastily dropping Geralt’s hand. But even in that brief touch he’d felt the stickiness of blood… He reached out to capture Geralt’s hand again, gently cupped in both his own, turning it towards the firelight.

Tooth marks riddled his hand, going up his wrist in regular three-corner tears “These need to be treated,” Jaskier said firmly. “I know Witchers are tough, but this could fester – this could get bad. You aren’t normally this careless, what’s wrong  with you?”

The words, once said, seemed to hang a heavy weight in the air, and chills began to crawl their way down Jaskier’s spine. This wasn’t just Geralt’s normal reticence, his usual carelessness towards the niceties of life. Something was wrong. Wounds untreated, armor askew, no camp or fire, man and horse both starving less than a day’s walk to civilization – something was seriously  wrong.

“What is wrong with you?” he repeated. Geralt turned away, attention apparently distracted by something off in the woods. “Can’t you speak? What, did you sell your voice to a sea serpent in exchange for legs? Nod if you sold your voice to a sea witch.” He was beginning to babble now, he knew it, his voice starting to tremble with the force of what he was trying to deny. “Shake your head if I’m being an idiot. Come on  Geralt, this isn’t funny, say something!”

Geralt cocked his head to the side, a gesture so perfectly Geralt-like that he was already anticipating the snarky barb that would follow it… and nothing. Geralt said nothing. Not because he couldn’t hear Jaskier, or because he had lost his voice, but…

“You can’t understand me, can you?” Jaskier said softly. Geralt just stared at him, steady, wordless, empty. “You can’t understand… anything.”

Read more on AO3!

oh this is a good one, i might have it open in a tab still waiting for me to leave a comment on the last chapter but it’s a good one

and i rolled up my sleeve for to buckle her shoe

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exrayspex replied to your post “astroloquacious replied to your post (s) I feel no remorse for what…”

i am loving this conversation

oh my god so am I, even though it keeps getting me to admit absolutely mortifying things. i’m hoping they’re universal to the human condition and i can skate by on that. 

meninkimono replied to your post “oh apparently i can reply to replies again”

It’s probably something either really weird, like they don’t know how lactation or menstuation works and it was weirdly eroticized, or they think women orgasm from watching sweaty men climb cliffs (true story from male friend who read Dune) or just like real romance novels, it’s something extremely niche, like secret babies.

oh no Witchers are like Catholic school boys in that they have no idea what An Actual Woman is like. oh no my dude is a reformed Catholic school boy. I was not *quite* his first experience of any kind but I had to teach him a lot of stuff, including how birth control worked, so. but no! no. No, Witchers have to be better about sex ed, surely– I mean, I get they’re all sterile but they have to have some sensitivity to their reputations, if they unleash all these superpowered hopped-up nutjob freshly-post-adolescent trained killers onto society with no idea what to do with a pair of boobs they’d all be shunned even worse than they are. There’s got to be some deliberate attention paid to making sure the fresh young upstart Witchers have some vague notion about how to actually handle a fragile human’s sex bits. … if nothing else, there’s a brothel nearby-ish to Kaer Morhen that takes on the duty of educating young Witchers, there’s got to be something like that. (sometime between getting your medallion and actually leaving on the Path they send you over there and there’s a class you sit through, LOL, and half the class is “okay everything in The Bodice Ripper In The Hallway By The Stables is completely fantasy and that’s not how vaginas or erections work” and eventually the madam, like, puts a bounty on that damned book and yet still none of the witchers will burn it for her)

someone in a DM (or whatever they’re called on this hellsite) (was it you sabra_n , i think it was you) suggested that it was something really mundane about women’s costuming, like, a specific style of front-lacing bodice that’s commonplace enough but that the text of the sex scene sort of needlessly eroticized

and i was suddenly blinded with the realization about. like. chicks wearing shoes in pornos. it’s a thing, it’s a weird trope, you still see it even in today’s internet era. (Sometimes it’s understandable, like, they’re fetishy or at least objectively hot shoes, but sometimes it’s like ok those are just like regular-ass sneakers but she had to take them off to take her jeans off and has clearly put them back on now, it’s definitely A Thing) it’s totally something like that. and like maybe the original writer meant it to be like a foot fetish thing but it wasn’t well-conveyed and all the witchers have gotten really strangely hung-up on the idea of like the buckles of women’s shoes or something. 

Ha oh here’s some word association so there’s this song, IDK I had it on a mixtape and I know it was the Clancy Brothers, it was called Easy and Slow and to this day I sing it all the time to annoy a sister of mine who has the same name as the girl in the song, but the chorus is like… and what’s it to any man, whether or no/ whether i’m easy or whether i’m true / as i lifted her petticoat, easy and slow/ and i rolled up my sleeve, for to   and like, it’s a slow song so this is all taking forever and being all lingering and you’re like shit what filthy thing is this guy gonna do, and the punchline is

buckle her shoe

and as a kid I’d sing this song but to this day I have no fucking clue whether that’s a metaphor for something? like, why’s he buckling her shoe? is he meant to be UNbuckling her shoe like he’s gonna take her shoes off her (apparently when bob dylan covered the song later he changed the lyrics to unbuckle, that must be what he was going for, or were the brothers C obliged to change the lyrics lest the radio of the time deem it too racy???)? or is it all a pretext to get under her petticoat? or like? what’s happening? I don’t know!!!

and all you kids with your internet being everywhere, you don’t know what it’s like to have a question there’s no way to ask anybody, ok, because I got the mixtape from my dad and there was no way on god’s green earth i could ask my dad hey is this song about fuckin’? ayy pops is this song about fuckin’? FUCK NO I could not ask that, not my dad, my dad is so fuckin’ awkward we would have both died instantly, but there was no one else to ask!!! who else would even know a song from 1968!! and now I’m too old to learn new things so I’m not going to google it. But anyway, there is a disjointed rant about how ever since i was a kid I’ve been uneasily concerned that buckling shoes might be a metaphor for sex.

(Listen my introduction to pop music– now that was rocky and confusing because I also had no one to give me any context and do you know how many classic rock songs use the word “groove” to probably mean “fuck” but with plausible deniability?? THE THINGS I HAD NO WAY OF FINDING OUT TORMENTED ME, and those were my formative years, and let me just say semi-relatedly that Madonna’s Erotica album came out at a REAL BAD TIME FOR ME. I was TWELVE, that wasn’t FAIR, that is right smack in the danger zone of Oh No This Is Becoming Relevant To Me? But I Don’t Understand Any Of It? And I Am At My Maximal Awkwardness Phase And Don’t Know What To Do? It was fucking hell.) 

Ayyy ok that was a long digression. ANywAy. 

I have been looking around online for examples of the Kind Of Ridiculous Courtly Romantic Novel that I’m thinking of Geralt reading and I’m sort of embarrassed it took me so long to remember about Amadis of Gaul, which is like, the exemplar of the genre. I have definitely read excerpts of this. I definitely don’t want to read this whole thing. How small a sample can I get away with reading in order to write an excerpt of a pastiche of it?? And the worst part is that i keep getting snippets of the songs from the Man of La Mancha musical stuck in my head because, of course, what is Don Quixote but a pastiche of the endless Amadis de Gaula sequels that were bedeviling the countryside as Cervantes was beginning his literary career (in among his many other careers), and i had a misspent youth that involved occasional Broadway soundtracks. Hail, Knight of the Woeful Countenance! 

Yikes. 

oh I am definitely writing this as I procrastinate packing my car for another cross-state trip, by the way, and I’m writing this instead of any relevant scenes because I’m Amadis de Gaula’d out for the nonce. That shit is… wearying. 

previouslysaltyfandombrat:Me, sitting in my dark room after everything short-circuited: Hm. I...

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previouslysaltyfandombrat:

Me, sitting in my dark room after everything short-circuited: Hm. I can’t be certain, but I don’t think this is how it was a moment ago

oysters-aint-for-me:

one of my favorite human quirks is when the power goes out and you’re w other ppl and inevitably someone says ‘did the power go out?’ like…you’re all sitting there in the dead dark, tv black, wifi gone, lights OUT but still they’re like ‘hm. well I have a theory but it needs to be submitted for peer-review’

oh yah but there was one time i was with my dude in his shitty apartment and the lights went out and we were like Oh No The Power’s Out and we like got out candles and flashlights and shit and like settled in to wait for the power to come back on and then I looked out the window and was like oh the power’s not out on the rest of the block and then i went out into the hall and was like oh the power’s not out in the hall and spoiler alert that was how we found out about the fuse box

so like, it is a hypothesis and you do gotta test it because there are several reasons the lights might have gone out in the room you’re in, and some of them might be things you can do something about. i’m just saying.