40-hour work week

oh lord i am so spacy today.
i am so so so spaced-out
I woke up at 5:30 and got up and said oh good i can get shit done this morning, and then i didn't do that, and i'm not even sure where the time went, i didn't even really get sucked into tumblr, i just-- it was 7:30, suddenly.

i left the house 20 minutes early, accidentally. now i've been at work since... well now our cash register system shows you how long you've been clocked in and it says 45 minutes, so i've been here 45 minutes and i don't know what i've done in that time. i've been busy, i haven't just been scrolling some website or something, but i genuinely don't remember what i've been doing just now.

i really
I don't know
i really need a day of not being at this job! am i so weak now, I can't withstand several consecutive 40-hour work weeks? I don't know but it's been fucking hell. It is a constant struggle to keep my attention on even things I want to do, things I'm interested in-- and the fact that 99% of what I do is Desperately Boring And Fiddly is not helping.

You know that feeling where something is so boring it's actively painful? Yeah.

I'm just constantly tuned-out and I can't even talk myself through stuff the way i normally do. It's a lot. I'm overstuffed. I'm going to try doing a tiny bit of hand-sewing now while I'm unsupervised and hope the physical work helps me settle. I don't know. I know I've gotten things done this morning-- I definitely emptied the compost, in bare feet because shoes were too hard, fortunately the ground is frozen so I didn't get muddy. But there were fruit flies so it was Time.

I need to do a lot of things. I'm going to have to stay late today, maybe, to learn how to process black and white film. (There's no machine to do it, it has to be done by hand, so none of the old guys will do it. only young hipsters will do it. unfortunately the company owner, who lives in philly and doesn't know jack-shit about what we do all day, makes the store manager lay off all the hipsters every so often because he sees how many hours are on the payroll and freaks out. not understanding that we have a photo lab, which means there are things people have to do even when no customers are at the cash register, unlike at his location where he has a guy who stands around all day. so we're laying off the last hipster for the season, but we still need film developed, so i'm learning, even though i disappear every summer. fortunately the hipster is happy enough to teach me, otherwise i'd feel like a scab.)

I've really just got to Endure, which, I mean, it's fine, i won't remember most of today. I just have so many things i want to do tonight, because we're going to hang out with friends and have fun this weekend and if I don't do a lot of things tonight I won't be ready and it won't be fun and I'll be upset. I need to get my shit together enough to do that.

I really feel so weirdly spacey, though, like-- like I actually feel like something's missing behind my eyeballs. it's distressing in a way that being away-with-the-fairies, as I've been my whole life, isn't usually.

Ah, I did re-start my bullet journal, that burnt in October that I bought a replacement for in December that I've been carrying daily in my bag since this month started. So I'll try to write some things in there but I have, sigh, very little faith it'll work. but it might help some things! so I'll try it.

Fuck I just spaced out for half an hour. How the fuck is it almost ten o'clock. I haven't even downloaded today's orders. I've sewn half a dozen stitches in this shirt though, that's great. And I've apparently listened to an entire music album, but I only noticed one song.

I will make it through today and it'll be fine because I won't even remember it happened, it's fine.
update: HOW THE FUCK IS IT ELEVEN O'CLOCK
the caffeine is not working, not even a little bit

thesacredreznor replied to your post “well well

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thesacredreznor replied to your post “well well this actually is a thing i’ve been procrastinating since…”

Yay you! I just got my health insurance sorted out and it hurts how expensive it is. So as someone who never goes to the doctor I’m starting to think maybe I should? I hate it so much though but on the other hand my hypothyroidism has been untreated for like 7 years now so I should just suck it up since I’m paying so much anyway. And I totally agree that making appointments just feels like an often insurmountable hurdle like i have to do what now?

It’s not fair, there should at least be online ways you can pick a PCP and have them actually be accepting patients, but there isn’t. But even when I had a doctor, when I asked to have my ADHD diagnosed, at first they were like pfft no, and then they were like ok fine here is a random phone number you should call it and the mysterious figure on the other end of it will begin your diagnosis process in some way I will not elaborate upon at this time. I still don’t fucking understand what that was supposed to be and have resigned myself that Treating Diseases Is Just For Other People, I Guess.

heartofoshun replied to your post “well well this actually is a thing i’ve been procrastinating since…”

I feel your pain. I have similar issues of dealing with my health insurance, making doctor’s appts, and it does not get easier with age but more critical. This is one reason among the list as long as my arm of why our health care system is screwed up and should be

I think this cut off but I am assuming the end of the sentence was killed with fire and I couldn’t agree more.

msilverstar replied to your post “well well this actually is a thing i’ve been procrastinating since…”

I wish I could do it for you. Do they have a website or app? I find that easier than a phone call myself.

So would I! It’s not that in my case it would be easier, it’s that it would be actually possible in the first place! I’ve heard people say their doctor has an app but I have literally never encountered such a thing. If I could fill out a form on a website and then pick an available appointment time, I would have made every appointment ever by now, but sadly, I don’t know anyone in real life locally for whom that’s a thing, so I’m sort of resigned. I also have a years-ago-I-didn’t-make-a-phone-call-so-I-have-no-doctor-and-don’t-know-how-to-find-one problem– my health insurance will give you a 400-page book full of doctors who say they’re accepting new patients, but aren’t, and the only way to find out is to call literally dozens of them and be rejected. (In, like, 85% of the cases, the listed number is wrong too.) I’d go back to the doctor I had before, but there was something weird with the paperwork last time i went to a doctor’s office sometime in about 2015, so it’s definitely too late to fix it now so I can never show my face there again, but I don’t know where else to go either, and since I get about a phone call a year and I spent it on fixing my tires, it won’t be something I can figure out in 2020!

So, it’s not going to happen. I’m just aware that it is never going to happen. But at least legally I am signed up so that it can. And, most importantly, if you don’t have health insurance you get fined, so at least I’m not getting fined.