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tagged by @beautifullights1: List ten things you love & then tag the people you would love to get to know better.
Oh my god this is hard. This isn’t supposed to be hard. Why is this hard. I’m having a devil of a time doing it.
There are some things I started to put on this list and then took off because it’s not the same as loving, how I feel about those things. Like listening to music that makes me cry, or being grateful for profound stuff– it kind of hurts, actually, and I seek it out but sparingly, and that’s not really, well, love per se. Oh, being on a team, that was another one– I loved it, but it was also so powerful it hurt me, and in the end hurt me kind of a lot, so the place where that was is kind of– scabbed now? It’s hard to say. I’d do it again but that wasn’t. Exactly love?
uh I’m going to tag people and then cut this because I wrote it at work and it got long because I was having a hard day.
It doesn’t say how many people to tag, so I’m going to randomly pick people from my notifications, and if you wanted me to pick you and I didn’t, go ahead and consider yourself tagged. @ineptshieldmaid, @magickedteacup, @in-a-trans-like-state, @laughingacademy, @buttons-beads-lace, @fauxfire76, @kiwisson
1. Ice cream, to the point that I’ve classified my desire for ice cream as not a yes/no thing, but an intensity thing. How badly do I want ice cream in this moment? More badly than I want to not have a stomach ache, for example. I’m good about not eating ice cream if I don’t think my body can handle it, though; I wrecked green salads for myself because they make me sick if I eat too much, and now I hate them. So I know not to do that with ice cream. I’d be so sad if I wrecked ice cream.
2. My family, but more concretely the way I can free myself from social anxiety around people I’m intimate enough with, and how that makes me feel like a genuine thing and not something that’s trying clumsily to express itself through layers. It’s not coming through well but– so like, my littlest sister and I say terrible things to and about one another and it’s fine because we both know we can let go of the filter and just let it fly. And sure, we offend the shit out of each other all the time, but we also know, like, whatever; above all we’re operating on the assumption that there’s nothing that could actually be *that* offensive and we’re both focused on the pragmatic. We’re not being cruel, just careless. In the end, we’re both working toward the same goals so what we actually say in the meantime isn’t that important. It’s hard to explain but it’s really fundamentally important to my sense of well-being.
3. I love making something out of something else. Sewing is the best example of this. My favorite thing is to use something else, because it sidesteps my anxiety about spending money. My latest thing is collecting old jeans and cutting them up to make purses and then embroidering the scraps. Do I do much of this? No, I haven’t touched a goddamn needle in weeks. But I love doing it, when I can actually manage to do so. I’m not super healthy at the moment so this is a good meme because I should probably try to remember that not everything in the entire world is terrible.
4. When someone reacts to something I wrote in a way that makes me learn a new thing about what I wrote, or myself. This can be problematic because sometimes I don’t react well but. I’m trying to think positive at the moment. I do really love that. And the discussions. And learning stuff.
5. I love to sing. Just, the physical act is so gratifying, the use of the breath and the sound it makes. It’s even better to do in a group but it’s literally like two decades since I was in any kind of singing group, so, I may be remembering it as better than it is.
6. I love doing a long day’s worth of hard work and having a bunch of stuff to show for it. It’s sort of capitalist propaganda or whatever, but– like, the slaughter days, I love when we finish the packaging and the freezer is full and we clean up and put everything away and that’s 250 chickens at $30 each or whatever, that’s an honest living and that’s a necessary job done. Also stuff like assembling bouquets for market, though– starting with harvesting flowers and winding up with the neatly tied bouquets ready to load in the truck. It’s hard to compare working retail with that; there’s no tangible satisfaction to clocking out with your feet hurting and your head ringing with nasty comments.
7. I love dressing up, whether in a costume or just in an outfit that aesthetically pleases me. I’m currently wearing rainbow arm warmers, lace tights, and the most expensive shoes I’ve ever owned. Oh and a hair flower, and a tank top dress I bought at Target and cut off and added lace to. I dress like my four-year-old niece and I don’t have it in me to care. I’ve learned that there’s a level of “dressing badly” that people find threatening and are hostile to, and a level of it that people find whimsical and respond well to, so I just try to toe the whimsical line, and then I can do something I like and also be treated marginally better for it. (Dressing sloppy at my size gets hostility for “letting myself go”, so, super-femme and childish is a great defense. We’ll see how that goes as I visibly age…).
8. Running water. Some still water, but running water. Not rivers but creeks. Not oceans but lakes. I’m afraid of the ocean. I’m afraid of water that’s deep, even though I can swim. I love rocky creeks I can wade in, and sit on the banks and watch frogs.
9. Petting my cat with my face is one of life’s chief joys and I am grateful every day that I am not allergic and so I can know this joy. I am also grateful that my cat likes this.
10. Fire. I mean it is awesome in like the most literal sense to watch a fire burn, so I really like sitting by a fire pit after dark. Not, like, people’s houses burning down or whatever. I should rephrase this but I’ve had so much trouble I’m not going to. There it is: I love fire.
10a you know i forgot to put orgasms on this list and that’s just a stupid thing to omit. Who puts fire over orgasms? Someone having depression issues, that’s who. No matter what medicine i’ve been on i’ve never lost that particular ability or interest and i’m sparing a moment to be grateful for that too. I just – forget about them sometimes.
tagged by @beautifullights1: List ten things you love & then tag the people you would love to get to know better.
Oh my god this is hard. This isn’t supposed to be hard. Why is this hard. I’m having a devil of a time doing it.
There are some things I started to put on this list and then took off because it’s not the same as loving, how I feel about those things. Like listening to music that makes me cry, or being grateful for profound stuff– it kind of hurts, actually, and I seek it out but sparingly, and that’s not really, well, love per se. Oh, being on a team, that was another one– I loved it, but it was also so powerful it hurt me, and in the end hurt me kind of a lot, so the place where that was is kind of– scabbed now? It’s hard to say. I’d do it again but that wasn’t. Exactly love?
uh I’m going to tag people and then cut this because I wrote it at work and it got long because I was having a hard day.
It doesn’t say how many people to tag, so I’m going to randomly pick people from my notifications, and if you wanted me to pick you and I didn’t, go ahead and consider yourself tagged. @ineptshieldmaid, @magickedteacup, @in-a-trans-like-state, @laughingacademy, @buttons-beads-lace, @fauxfire76, @kiwisson
1. Ice cream, to the point that I’ve classified my desire for ice cream as not a yes/no thing, but an intensity thing. How badly do I want ice cream in this moment? More badly than I want to not have a stomach ache, for example. I’m good about not eating ice cream if I don’t think my body can handle it, though; I wrecked green salads for myself because they make me sick if I eat too much, and now I hate them. So I know not to do that with ice cream. I’d be so sad if I wrecked ice cream.
2. My family, but more concretely the way I can free myself from social anxiety around people I’m intimate enough with, and how that makes me feel like a genuine thing and not something that’s trying clumsily to express itself through layers. It’s not coming through well but– so like, my littlest sister and I say terrible things to and about one another and it’s fine because we both know we can let go of the filter and just let it fly. And sure, we offend the shit out of each other all the time, but we also know, like, whatever; above all we’re operating on the assumption that there’s nothing that could actually be *that* offensive and we’re both focused on the pragmatic. We’re not being cruel, just careless. In the end, we’re both working toward the same goals so what we actually say in the meantime isn’t that important. It’s hard to explain but it’s really fundamentally important to my sense of well-being.
3. I love making something out of something else. Sewing is the best example of this. My favorite thing is to use something else, because it sidesteps my anxiety about spending money. My latest thing is collecting old jeans and cutting them up to make purses and then embroidering the scraps. Do I do much of this? No, I haven’t touched a goddamn needle in weeks. But I love doing it, when I can actually manage to do so. I’m not super healthy at the moment so this is a good meme because I should probably try to remember that not everything in the entire world is terrible.
4. When someone reacts to something I wrote in a way that makes me learn a new thing about what I wrote, or myself. This can be problematic because sometimes I don’t react well but. I’m trying to think positive at the moment. I do really love that. And the discussions. And learning stuff.
5. I love to sing. Just, the physical act is so gratifying, the use of the breath and the sound it makes. It’s even better to do in a group but it’s literally like two decades since I was in any kind of singing group, so, I may be remembering it as better than it is.
6. I love doing a long day’s worth of hard work and having a bunch of stuff to show for it. It’s sort of capitalist propaganda or whatever, but– like, the slaughter days, I love when we finish the packaging and the freezer is full and we clean up and put everything away and that’s 250 chickens at $30 each or whatever, that’s an honest living and that’s a necessary job done. Also stuff like assembling bouquets for market, though– starting with harvesting flowers and winding up with the neatly tied bouquets ready to load in the truck. It’s hard to compare working retail with that; there’s no tangible satisfaction to clocking out with your feet hurting and your head ringing with nasty comments.
7. I love dressing up, whether in a costume or just in an outfit that aesthetically pleases me. I’m currently wearing rainbow arm warmers, lace tights, and the most expensive shoes I’ve ever owned. Oh and a hair flower, and a tank top dress I bought at Target and cut off and added lace to. I dress like my four-year-old niece and I don’t have it in me to care. I’ve learned that there’s a level of “dressing badly” that people find threatening and are hostile to, and a level of it that people find whimsical and respond well to, so I just try to toe the whimsical line, and then I can do something I like and also be treated marginally better for it. (Dressing sloppy at my size gets hostility for “letting myself go”, so, super-femme and childish is a great defense. We’ll see how that goes as I visibly age…).
8. Running water. Some still water, but running water. Not rivers but creeks. Not oceans but lakes. I’m afraid of the ocean. I’m afraid of water that’s deep, even though I can swim. I love rocky creeks I can wade in, and sit on the banks and watch frogs.
9. Petting my cat with my face is one of life’s chief joys and I am grateful every day that I am not allergic and so I can know this joy. I am also grateful that my cat likes this.
10. Fire. I mean it is awesome in like the most literal sense to watch a fire burn, so I really like sitting by a fire pit after dark. Not, like, people’s houses burning down or whatever. I should rephrase this but I’ve had so much trouble I’m not going to. There it is: I love fire.
10a you know i forgot to put orgasms on this list and that’s just a stupid thing to omit. Who puts fire over orgasms? Someone having depression issues, that’s who. No matter what medicine i’ve been on i’ve never lost that particular ability or interest and i’m sparing a moment to be grateful for that too. I just – forget about them sometimes.
