deep breath

Today is my last day off before Pennsic.
I am working Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat, and Sun.
I plan to leave here Mon a.m. (If I were more confident at setting up my tent, I would leave Sun. p.m., but as it is, I'd arrive in the dark and don't know if I want to try setting it up in the dark. Especially since, as we've a more crowded household, I'll be camping in more marginal ground, possibly poison-ivy-covered and definitely uneven.)
I have mornings off all week, though, so I have a little time to do some things.
But today's my last whole day off.
And since I got the whole week off, I'm going to plan on working at YIV. Which MEANS, I need some plausibly-Turkish, decently comfortable and supportive garb to wear to work. Which means I have a bit more sewing to do.
YAHH.
Including, I think, a hat. How hard could it be, right?

I feel like I have nothing to wear. Isn't that hilarious? I think it is, given how much sewing I've been doing.

melancholia

My only day off before Pennsic started off with quiet sunshine, slid into grayness, and gradually settled into a sad, steady drizzle. So much for the plan to set up the tent one more time to review the procedure with Fi, whose tent it is, and to take it down and fold it properly so it fits into its bag. So much for the plan to see if the shade fly fits over it; so much for the plan to inflate the air mattress inside it, so it can be deflated and rolled properly so it fits into its proper bag.
Fi is moving out of my house on August 1st. I will be home for a few hours, maybe overnight, around that time, to pick up Z-- work has said they don't need me that day. I am not entirely positive they really don't need me, but I will take it if they offer it.

I banged out another Hedeby tunic, this one in lightweight undyed linen. I plan to bind the neckline in maroon thread, as I know Z would like a muted-white-and-maroon garment-- maroon is the color of the Latvian flag and is a common motif in the traditional embroidery. But I am not optimistic as to how much time I'll have, so I cut out the sleeves with the lower edge on the selvedge, so I don't have to hem it.

I also finished the construction of an overly-complicated bag to hold the pump to inflate the air mattress-- Fi and I both have the same one, and it comes in a bulky box, and it's hard to keep it together with its instructions and tiny component parts without the box, but given how compact the air mattress is, it's inconvenient to have to lug the box. I encased hemp cord in the seam allowances, so that the bag would stand up on its own, more or less. It still needs a strap. But it's usable as is.

I ran a zillion errands this morning, and was very pleased that I managed to get Fi up and moving and out the door so that we were home by noon. But I feel like i haven't got enough done. Oh well.

I am feeling very stressed and uncomfortable about stuff. Apparently we missed paying rent for June, and hadn't paid July either, but we couldn't find the checkbook. By now August is due, so I gritted my teeth and wrote a check for three months' rent. But Z's mom is pretty sure we didn't pay for May, which I'm fairly sure we did-- jokes about Mother's Day-- but it's really stressful. And Z is being very bitter and catty about how broke we are, and I'm upset because I don't know how to earn any more money than I am, not really. My job pays shit, but I'm working as many hours as I can-- 6 days this week, but short shifts-- and I'm just really bad at earning money, what can I say? In the words of Roger Clyne, "At the rat race, baby, I couldn't even find a parking space." Am I living extravagantly? I hadn't thought so. But I don't know what else to do. I know I earn less than Z does but I still do almost absolutely everything around the house even though I'm working almost all the time. The writing bug has bitten and I've been lying awake at night thinking about Barbarians_Novel, but when do I have time for it? Z doesn't have any interest in helping prepare for Pennsic, so when I'm not working, that's what I do-- I don't want to risk being unprepared, in case he winds up not liking it, because it's really important to me that he have a good time so he'll come back. It's only my second year and it's already the highlight of my year. I don't get holidays with the family, I don't get a real Christmas, I don't get vacations or road trips for fun. But I get Pennsic. And it's really important to me.

I'm kind of clinging to it like it's a branch. Things have been dark and dire around here lately, here and around the sphere of my friends, RL and online. I can't bear to think about anything too closely. I've just got to get out of here for a little bit, go live in another world and be someone else for a little while.

But I just signed up to work a bunch of shifts at Your Inner Vagabond, so I can earn some money while at Pennsic. I like working there, sort of, and I like the idea of meeting people there, but mostly I just really think we'll need the money.

Argh.