(no subject)

How not to be productive on the only free time at home you're going to have for the next 4 days: go onto elmwoodstrip thinking about asking one of the bloggers there, who works for the IRS, about a weird question you have about your taxes, and then discover the blog posting your boyfriend made on Valentine's day about how thoughtless a lover you are, and the comment thread where it was suggested that the problem seems to be that you are a needy, clingy bitch.
Yes, awesome.
(My favorite is the guy who both says Z is a lucky man (because I had volunteered to do pinup pictures) and also that I am overly needy. He is both lucky and cursed. What a terrible fate. Awesome logic, guy, by the way. The thread also overtly states the "bitch had better just quit whining and ask if she wants something kind of logic, which is amusing, as those entries were following on from me resolving to just ask if I want something, as that is Logical, etc, and also, those entries were me just asking if I wanted something, and Z's entry was all about how I was wrong to ask. Yes, fascinating.)

I barely remember the entries I made, but now that I think back on it, yes, I did feel pretty shitty. Z doesn't always read my blog so when he never said anything I figured he'd skipped over them, and it was just as well, because while I'm not sorry for saying those things, I don't suppose bottling it up would've helped me either.

I'm very glad that he'd resolved to celebrate Valentine's Day by letting me know how important I was to him and celebrating how happy we were together. I sort of wish he'd told me this, but well, I wouldn't want to be a needy bitch or anything.

Enough about that. I had a zillion things I had to get done this morning and it's already quarter past eleven, so I really should get going on figuring out which of those zillion things I can still do. I have so little free time that it's really stupid to waste it crying, but at least it has the side effect of dislodging the unpleasant buildup this lingering cold has left blocking my sinuses.

Oh, now I remember: I was trying to do my taxes. Shit. I hate taxes. I always fuck them up. For a couple years Z was doing them, but then last year he decided last-minute that he couldn't, so now I'm left to my own devices again. Which I suppose is sensible, given that I also do all the household finances and manage the bills and so on, but God, I'm tired of money. I'm tired of working for it, I'm tired of spending it. How do I go through so much money and still not own anything that makes me happy? Everything I have that I like, I got as a present. I don't know how to shop.

ARGH I'm going to stop now because I'm just starting to freak out about everything that has ever upset me, and it's not really helping me make effective use of the, shit, hour and a quarter I have left until I have to leave for work and not come home until almost midnight and then leave the house less than twelve hours later and God I need a vacation.

why can't i just let it go?

I am still upset and crying, but I feel the need to defensively point out that I'm not mad because people said mean things about me. I don't mind that. Whatever.
But I'm really upset because Z had spoken as if he'd been planning to say or do something to convey his appreciation of me, and I am hurting because it would have meant so much. I don't like to be this needy and it upsets me, but it brings me so much pleasure when he says nice things to me, when he acts affectionate to me. It feels so good that it's ridiculous how much I want it. And that makes me a needy bitch. And that hurts. Because I don't want to be needy, but I am, and all those stupid stereotypical high school boyfriend kinda things that girls always want boys to do-- that's what those are, they feed that awful little affection-junkie. And mine is flipping out. And I am so tired just now, so burned-out and stressed and useless, that all I can do is sit and sob that nobody has declared me a hero or lavished me with affection for all the crap I'm doing. I feel very alone and pathetic.
And when you're very alone and pathetic you're not exactly deserving of affection. Who wants to hug a grumpy snotbucket?
Nobody wants to hug a grumpy snotbucket.


Z has, several times, through this long slog of busy winter. But there's no end in sight to the grumpiness and the snotbucketing.
All I can do is be whiny, and make myself into something undeserving of affection.

And cry about how good it would have made me feel if he'd gone through with "those unique gifts and gestures that show you know and care".


At least I got another load of laundry done, and sorted, so I won't have to feel guilty every morning when Z has to come in and look for a pair of socks. (I've tried telling him he could step up and help me by just taking all his socks to his room from wherever I've left them when I run out of time for laundry, but he won't, so I get the nice little guilt-stab every morning until I get around to sorting the laundry.)