why can't i just let it go?
Feb. 22nd, 2007 11:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragonlady7I am still upset and crying, but I feel the need to defensively point out that I'm not mad because people said mean things about me. I don't mind that. Whatever.
But I'm really upset because Z had spoken as if he'd been planning to say or do something to convey his appreciation of me, and I am hurting because it would have meant so much. I don't like to be this needy and it upsets me, but it brings me so much pleasure when he says nice things to me, when he acts affectionate to me. It feels so good that it's ridiculous how much I want it. And that makes me a needy bitch. And that hurts. Because I don't want to be needy, but I am, and all those stupid stereotypical high school boyfriend kinda things that girls always want boys to do-- that's what those are, they feed that awful little affection-junkie. And mine is flipping out. And I am so tired just now, so burned-out and stressed and useless, that all I can do is sit and sob that nobody has declared me a hero or lavished me with affection for all the crap I'm doing. I feel very alone and pathetic.
And when you're very alone and pathetic you're not exactly deserving of affection. Who wants to hug a grumpy snotbucket?
Nobody wants to hug a grumpy snotbucket.
Z has, several times, through this long slog of busy winter. But there's no end in sight to the grumpiness and the snotbucketing.
All I can do is be whiny, and make myself into something undeserving of affection.
And cry about how good it would have made me feel if he'd gone through with "those unique gifts and gestures that show you know and care".
At least I got another load of laundry done, and sorted, so I won't have to feel guilty every morning when Z has to come in and look for a pair of socks. (I've tried telling him he could step up and help me by just taking all his socks to his room from wherever I've left them when I run out of time for laundry, but he won't, so I get the nice little guilt-stab every morning until I get around to sorting the laundry.)
But I'm really upset because Z had spoken as if he'd been planning to say or do something to convey his appreciation of me, and I am hurting because it would have meant so much. I don't like to be this needy and it upsets me, but it brings me so much pleasure when he says nice things to me, when he acts affectionate to me. It feels so good that it's ridiculous how much I want it. And that makes me a needy bitch. And that hurts. Because I don't want to be needy, but I am, and all those stupid stereotypical high school boyfriend kinda things that girls always want boys to do-- that's what those are, they feed that awful little affection-junkie. And mine is flipping out. And I am so tired just now, so burned-out and stressed and useless, that all I can do is sit and sob that nobody has declared me a hero or lavished me with affection for all the crap I'm doing. I feel very alone and pathetic.
And when you're very alone and pathetic you're not exactly deserving of affection. Who wants to hug a grumpy snotbucket?
Nobody wants to hug a grumpy snotbucket.
Z has, several times, through this long slog of busy winter. But there's no end in sight to the grumpiness and the snotbucketing.
All I can do is be whiny, and make myself into something undeserving of affection.
And cry about how good it would have made me feel if he'd gone through with "those unique gifts and gestures that show you know and care".
At least I got another load of laundry done, and sorted, so I won't have to feel guilty every morning when Z has to come in and look for a pair of socks. (I've tried telling him he could step up and help me by just taking all his socks to his room from wherever I've left them when I run out of time for laundry, but he won't, so I get the nice little guilt-stab every morning until I get around to sorting the laundry.)
