probably a product of too much wine

My sister Fiona came in from Elmira or Cortland or something today, and hung out with me and Dave and the two cousins from Norway. And I thought about how much I have in common with my cousins and how much I love them, and how much I love my sister of course, and how she's currently slightly more homeless than I am and how nobody loves her like she deserves, and it was all kind of too much for me. Also, I had most of a bottle of wine, roughly. That didn't help.

We went and watched Fahrenheit 9-11 today. I just sat there and cried through the whole thing. Yes, it was propaganda, yes it was presented unskillfully, but it was indeed all true. It was nothing I hadn't heard before, but it was sort of.... concentrated.
And I just sat there and cried and cried. Three thousand people died and we realized we were no longer safe. And then we went to Iraq for no good reason at all, and my sister and her husband have been there once and will probably have to go back, and they showed all these depressed military-types who were like "shit, why are we here again? And they pay us ten bucks an hour to kill people with whom we have no personal quarrel, and we sort of don't know why but it's our job and we've nothing else to do, but it sucks a lot..." And then there was that poor woman whose son was dead, and people were telling her the whole thing was staged, and she was just so mad at all the ignorance, and I thought to myself, 'amen, sister.'

We played card games for hours, and I thought about how everyone I love is scattered all over the country and all over the world.
When I was 18 and in Scotland I remember crying for hours one night because I knew the close family in which I grew up was never going to be as close again. When I was little I saw each of my sisters every single day. I will never have that luxury again in my entire life, and I know it. Love pulls us in every direction. I have never really had the luxury of having everyone I loved in one place. And now? Even my immediate family is scattered. Katy is in Georgia, Ann is never around, Fiona is in God-knows-where with a boy who doesn't love her enough, and here I am. Wherever I am. These people used to be my whole world. And I love my cousins and never see them. And most of my friends I haven't seen in years. I love Ursula and haven't seen her in two years, almost.
I can't even imagine what it would be like to be able to be in contact with everyone I loved.
...
And I can't even make it make sense. I just think I'll have to go to bed and cry for a few hours. Why does Katy have to go to Iraq again? Don't know. Why doesn't anyone treat Fiona as well as she should be treated? Don't know. I want to be filthy rich and be able to afford to fly them all in to my house and treat them all well and feed them all and keep them safe, at least for a little while.

When Fiona said goodbye to go drive 3 1/2 hours back to where she's staying with hostile people and a boy who doesn't treat her as well as she deserved, I put my arms around her and just cried for ten minutes, because I didn't want her to go. Sometimes my sisters drive me crazy but I don't want any of them to hurt, ever. I could just cry. I do cry.

I've probably had too much to drink but sometimes, everything is just too much and you wish you could just make a ball of safe-zone and take everyone you love inside it and just keep them safe for a little while, at least.

Sigh.