(no subject)

http://annielin.aquezada.com/giglist.htm

our dear friend annie is coming to the east coast again. a couple dates in NYC, july 16, 17th...
also, brockport on the 18th.
well well well.
shall we go?
perhaps.
we are still fans, after all.
and to watch her do that thing she does when she flips out... it's cute.
ah well.
i had hoped to have my sexy new york apartment and my sexy job by then.
but that's like... really soon.
and i'm starting to doubt my employability. I mean really, what CAN I do?
[I told you this would happen, once i was at home and intellectually stagnating! I used to think I could do anything, and now it's a big fucking deal for me to manage to answer my god damn email. I mean, I'm going nowhere, and I'm losing all motivation, and I can't even remember what kind of job I wanted in the first place. It's completely pathetic but precisely what I knew was going to happen.]

ARGH!
Why can I never fucking DO anything?
It's just... too many intermediate steps. I feel like there's no way I can get to a place where I have an apartment and a job. I have to do all these things in between, and I don't know how to do them. I need somehow to find little goals I can do, again. I have to feel like there's some task I can do, that I can finish.
Well, it's not my room. I can't make my room livable; i've been trying over a month now and am worse than when I started. It's not my weight; I'm eating less but exercising far less. It's not anything creative; with my room the way it is, i can barely get at my computer, and I just don't feel like I can do anything creative. Not photos, not writing, not hypertext. i'm forgetting everything I ever learned or came up with. I don't know. And it's not my social life. I've gone out three times since I got home. No wait, five; I went to watch hockey at kat's; i went to the mall with liesl, i went to saratoga with everybody, i ... forget. but i've gone out a few times. and what? What? Not much.
i feel like i'm not here but i'm not anywhere else. i never managed to unpack enough to find my god damn deodorant, and eventually just bought more! I can't find anything, I don't feel like I exist, I am not going anywhere, and I don't know how to get out.

I really wanted to do something constructive while visiting Dave but I'm fucked if I can think of anything.
Maybe just being somewhere else will make me feel like I _can_ do something.

Let's hope, because I'm getting pretty fucking sick of whining.

(no subject)

ok, it's official:
i will be in Jersey City/ New York City from Saturday (tomorrow) until Friday morning (the fifth).
Anyone want to meet up with me for dinner, lunch, a night out, anything else? Let me know! penginqu at aol dot com, dragon7 at cif.rochester.edu (i dunno which i'll be able to check)... I'll be around, give me your number (i don't have a phone but can probably beg or borrow or steal time on one), i'll try to get in touch with y'alls!
Yay!
;]

(no subject)

recovering from oral surgery, i am gaining a new appreciation for eating... food... very... slowly.
i managed to munch/gnaw my way through baked chicken and potato, and a glass of wine, periodically jerking my head to the left to reduce the amount of corrosive substances falling into the gaping hole where my largest right sublingual salivary gland used to be so lovely and inflamed.
By the time i finished my family were all on their second glass of wine, and ann was actually lying down on her bench, napping. it took me a while. and i couldn't participate in the conversation.
it's a good thing i hadn't looked into my mouth in a mirror, or i wouldn't have been strong enough to put anything into my mouth.
i mean, there's a big hole in there.
There's one stitch, but the procedure the doctor performed (Dr. Smail of Troy, a grad of U of R), known as "marsupialization", involves cutting the top off of the dome formed by the swelling, and leaving it open to heal. The floor of the mouth is all soft tissues, and so it's very welcoming to healing into a new shape. I imagine it doesn't scar much. So for the moment, it's a giant hole, and quite ugly. The single suture will probably work its way out in the next day or two. The part where the novocaine wore off was excruciating, but has subsided. I managed some ice cream. Not much though. Perhaps this will be good for me.
I really wasn't expecting to have oral surgery today. I had a blocked submandibular salivary gland, on the other side, last winter, and went to Dr. Smail, and he poked at it, and said yup, that's what it is, but it's only partially blocked. I went to him twice, and each time he repeated this performance. I guess it wasn't severe enough for him to want to operate. And then, while I was away at school, it somehow healed itself. This one was worse, and I could feel that I was producing far less than the normal amount of saliva I was supposed to be. Ugh, drymouth.
I went to the doctor to get a referral to the oral surgeon, and the receptionist clicked her tongue and said "ooh it may take a while to get an appointment" (knowing my predicament with health insurance coverage expiring), and... I got an appointment for two hours later. A surprise...
So he poked at it for about two minutes, sat back, and said "ok, it's time", and within ten minutes, he was novocaining me. It took under five minutes, and there was a distressing amount of blood for a little while (i was starting to worry how much it would hurt once it wasn't numb...), and he was like okie dokie, all done, bye bye. I got home and Mom started bullying me to clean stuff up before I left, but she relented when I showed her the hole in my mouth (which i hadn't seen then) and she saw what obvious pain I was in.
Tum te tum. First time I've had surgery in a while. Yummy. Eck, I hope it feels better tomorrow; I have big things to do.
I've packed, mostly, but man, bringing nice clothes is not my specialty. What do you do to keep them from being all wrinkles???
Ah well.
Ta ta for now, I must go. Again, do let me know, you City-dwelling folk, if you'd like to meet up with me during my sojourn in the area.
;p