uggggggghhhhhhhhh
Oct. 16th, 2009 09:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragonlady7Having health insurance that explicitly excludes coverage for mental health [and prescriptions, mind] is getting really really really really really really old. I know that this all-pervasive, crushing sense of worthlessness is absolutely not based in any sort of situational reality, because my life is just fine and things are actually going well. There's no reason I should be sobbing in the car over how worthless I am, and so it's got to be some sort of brain chemistry thing. I spent the entire afternoon pacing anxiously around the store and fretting about absolutely nothing. I am going to have to ask someone a very minor favor-- not even really a favor, it's more like I'm asking them to do their job, to benefit me, but it still feels like a favor-- and the dread of summoning enough self-esteem to ask for something I'm owed is completely prostrating me.
This isn't normal and it isn't okay.
But I can't pay my hospital bill from August, and the very idea of figuring out how to pay for a shrink on my own, let alone how on earth to begin covering the cost of a prescription, should one be suitable to get my brain chemistry back toward something approaching normal, is completely, utterly beyond what I can contemplate.
It would be nice to just maybe talk to somebody who has studied this kind of thing, like, how you say, a professional, just to see if they think maybe it's chemical and not situational. Or maybe if they think I could try some sort of therapy or something, besides the obsessive exercise that is probably the only reason I haven't done myself any overt violence, besides the usual, at this point. Or whatever. But it's not in the budget, and I wouldn't know where to start anyway.
So anyhow. With any luck this is not really chemical so much as hormonal. But I won't get my hopes up; I only just finished my period about two days ago, and I'm not much given to excessive emotion after my period. It was really bad like a week and a half ago and I scraped through gritting my teeth and figuring it was PMS, but the fact that it's back isn't giving me a whole lot of hope.
Oh well!
The fact that work keeps putting me on closing shifts and now that it's dark by the time we get out, I'm really terrified every night that my deteriorated vision is too poor and I'll get in an accident is only making it better. Because, you know, I can't afford glasses either. Yes I know, Mom gave me money to go get some, but I didn't because I thought I'd get insurance that covered it, and didn't, and now I don't have the money anymore since Z hasn't had any work since August so I'm supporting both of us so guess what, birthday money went to groceries. So fucking sweet, let me tell you.
Iiiii won't draw the inevitable conclusion except to point you toward Jeffrey Rowland's insanely apt current storyline on Overcompensating, World of Problems.
At least I'm not the only one who feels this way.
This isn't normal and it isn't okay.
But I can't pay my hospital bill from August, and the very idea of figuring out how to pay for a shrink on my own, let alone how on earth to begin covering the cost of a prescription, should one be suitable to get my brain chemistry back toward something approaching normal, is completely, utterly beyond what I can contemplate.
It would be nice to just maybe talk to somebody who has studied this kind of thing, like, how you say, a professional, just to see if they think maybe it's chemical and not situational. Or maybe if they think I could try some sort of therapy or something, besides the obsessive exercise that is probably the only reason I haven't done myself any overt violence, besides the usual, at this point. Or whatever. But it's not in the budget, and I wouldn't know where to start anyway.
So anyhow. With any luck this is not really chemical so much as hormonal. But I won't get my hopes up; I only just finished my period about two days ago, and I'm not much given to excessive emotion after my period. It was really bad like a week and a half ago and I scraped through gritting my teeth and figuring it was PMS, but the fact that it's back isn't giving me a whole lot of hope.
Oh well!
The fact that work keeps putting me on closing shifts and now that it's dark by the time we get out, I'm really terrified every night that my deteriorated vision is too poor and I'll get in an accident is only making it better. Because, you know, I can't afford glasses either. Yes I know, Mom gave me money to go get some, but I didn't because I thought I'd get insurance that covered it, and didn't, and now I don't have the money anymore since Z hasn't had any work since August so I'm supporting both of us so guess what, birthday money went to groceries. So fucking sweet, let me tell you.
Iiiii won't draw the inevitable conclusion except to point you toward Jeffrey Rowland's insanely apt current storyline on Overcompensating, World of Problems.
At least I'm not the only one who feels this way.
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no subject
Date: 2009-10-17 02:27 am (UTC)You posted earlier about finding out you're the lowest paid person at your work. That's a big deal. That BLOWS. Even if you're not thinking about it consciously, that's going to bug you subconsciously, and affect your sense of self-worth at work. That combined your money issues would be enough to send me over the edge. Money issues are always a big trigger for me - you'd think with all the experience I've had with them, I'd be over it by now, but nothing feels more helpless than being broke.
There's usually some kind of low-cost or free mental health care that's state run or something. Worth looking into?
I hope you feel better.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-17 04:47 pm (UTC)Anyway,
a friend in cyberspace,
Emily