fusseration

[dragonlady7]

I feel like I've lost this week. No matter what I do, I'm just not good at anything. I can't focus and get things done. So it's really a bummer. I know a lot of it is that I have this bout footage loooooming over me, and I'm so burnt-out that I can't make progress, but I can't do anything else with it hanging over me. I keep sitting down, plugging in the drive, and looking at Jam 1, and I take clips from camera 1, and then I go to camera 2 and it doesn't have the missing data I need, and I just... delete all the clips and put it away. I can't figure it out and I just don't have the sense of humor.

So I figured yesterday that I was going to be extremely productive on something else. Fi had gone to the craft store on Weds, and I'd gone along and bought 4 yards of a linen/cotton blend on sale. White, lightweight, cheap.
Yesterday I sat down with the unbleached cotton muslin shift that was my First Garb. It took me forever to make. It fits OK. So I used it as an approximate pattern to cut out the panels for two new shifts, one full-length and one a bit shorter, both with long sleeves. I didn't have enough fabric, quite, to make two whole shifts, so I cut the skirt gores of the longer one out of some cotton muslin. It's thicker than the linen, but that's fine. As long as the sleeves and neckline are plausibly linen (and, for summer wear, linen really is more comfortable), then I'll be happy.

But I had so many fascinating difficulties with everything. First, I tried to actually make the Turkish Dancer pattern I bought from Reconstructing History so long ago, and couldn't make head nor tail of it. There's a body and side panels, which on the pattern are represented by the same piece, which has a dashed line at the edge saying to extend it to the proper length. Not a problem; it says elsewhere that it's sized for someone 5'7" and I happen to be that height exactly. But then looking at the diagram of the fabric layout, it shows the side panels as being shorter than the body panel. I'm so confused. I emailed kass_rants but I don't think she understood my question; she said yes, you cut it on the fold, despite the layout diagram, and that's good to know but I still don't know how long it is supposed to be. So I'm a bit despairing of ever figuring that one out. (I plan on doing a costume diary so I'll explain more of the issue in there, but most of it is just that I'm so insecure about using patterns, I guess.)

Which was why I did the shifts. I want to make myself a dress, see. A modern dress. I don't have a pattern. But I want to adapt the supportive kirtle pattern. I have blue silk twill, and a lightweight blue linen to line it. I want to make that into a dress. I don't have long. I have to get my sewing confidence up.
It was amazing, the things I managed to break. One shoulder seam is partly inside-out. (I'm flat-felling by machine, and flipped the seam the wrong way to sew it so the raw edges were disguised. I'm using a very slight zig-zag stitch from the inside, which since it's on the other side of the fabric seems to help with the fraying and doesn't look so obviously machine-y. So this incorrectly-sewn shoulder seam has a big old obvious machine zig-zag stitch in it. Huzzah, I fucking rule. I have such weird dyslexia-like issues that I don't even know how to fix it so I'm leaving it-- every seam I've done right has been chance and luck. I can't tell the difference, in my head, between right side and wrong side-- well, I can tell, but I can't keep it straight for more than a few seconds. So if I get it in position and start going right away, I'll probably be successful but if there's delay and confusion, like when I threaded the machine wrong and it came unthreaded mid-seam seven times in a row, then I lose all chance of doing it right.)

And I started having a problem with the bobbin on the machine. Threads would slip off the bobbin and be pulled up through the fabric... without actually having come un-wound all the way from the bobbin. for reals? Good heavens. Then I ran out of thread on the big spool. I've had to take apart the sewing machine three times.

But I have the full-length shift almost completed. I had thought of hand-sewing the seams on the sleeves, but then I didn't. I'll hand-hem it and that might get me my fix.

I really, really, really think I have some kind of learning disorder. I really think that. But if you don't get diagnosed in school, then it's not like you can at any other time... I mean, what am I going to do? I haven't figured it out on my own yet, so when am i going to?

I can compensate if I'm motivated. Last night I had a meeting so I was late to practice, and so I didn't bother putting my skates on. I helped the refs, doing the position I'll be doing in Saturday's bout: keeping jammer stats. I mark down who's jamming, whether they got lead, whether they called it off, and whether they scored any points and if so how many. I bought myself a small calculator to bring with me to keep score, since I know myself and know I cannot reliably add 3+3+4+0+5+9 and the like-- oddly enough, it's the 0s that throw me off. Last night one team had a run where they scored, if I recall correctly, 5+4+5+4+5+4+7+4+4+4+4+4.
Think about a distractable person, like me, and a small calculator that does not show you its history, and can you imagine how difficult it was for me to add that string of numbers?
It took me nine attempts. I kept getting lost among the repetitions and not knowing how many I'd done already. I finally had to use a pencil eraser to punch the buttons on the calculator, pausing to touch the next number on the piece of paper before I entered it on the calculator-- and even that still took three tries.
I won't have to do that at the bout, really-- not under pressure and with no help. There's a scoreboard that will show the cumulative score, and I can check my math against that and share the worry over keeping it all straight with Z, who is scoreboard operator. So it'll be OK. I'm just so so so bad at math. (No one else uses a calculator for this position. I can't, can't can't, do that kind of math in my head. If you asked me five plus seven, I would probably count on my fingers if it was important. I might take a stab-- twelve? (for some reason I have a few memorized, such as 8+4 is 12, so the immediately surrounding ones I can reason out, but not with 100% certainty)-- but if it was really important I would count it out on my fingers. Which takes a while and people laugh at you, since I can't do it without moving my fingers-- I've tried to do it by just looking at my fingers, which is less obvious, but it's the actual tactile sensation of seeing them wiggle that keeps me focused enough for the method to work.
(FWIW I'm really good at counting things I can hold in my hand, like dollar bills. I just can't add. Or subtract. And sweet Jesus do not ask me to multiply or divide. And I'm not so good at counting things I can't touch. Like jammer points. Numbers are meaningless-- I don't understand them, and so must take their workings on faith-- but I understand objects. Er, except when I'm sewing, when I routinely set things down and then can't find them at all again and it's like they never existed. This is why I keep five pairs of scissors on my sewing table. Mid-project, I can always find at least one.)

I get the feeling that most people don't have to do this, which is why I think maybe there's something wrong with me. Figuring out how to fit odd-shaped objects into small spaces I can do; figuring out which direction is right-side-out on a garment to attach a new piece with the seam on the correct side is a nightmare. But I feel like sewing helps me-- maybe that's why I like embroidering/hand-sewing so much, because it helps me reconnect to a complicated 3-D world I don't really understand?

I dunno. Anyway. I really feel like my brain is broken and I am very frustrated by it all, currently. I am going to go finish that one shift, and then have to get back to that bout footage. Maybe I'll work out instead-- it always feels like a big selfish waste of time, but it makes me feel so good I can usually justify it. My joints have all been achy lately and I blame too little exercise.

Comments

[greenworldgirl.livejournal.com]

Sounds like it's time for some therapeutic finger painting.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

Or something!