not a good day

[dragonlady7]

I'm just not having a good day. My extreme body piercing experiment seems to have gone OK-- there's a big scab on my fingernail, but the hole on the other side is closed up, and it just feels like, well, I got a needle shoved under my fingernail, that's all. it's not swollen or throbbing or anything, so I'm just trying to keep the thing clean and dry and out of trouble. I can even type on it. Just you try typing without your left index finger. I didn't think so.

But other things are going poorly, and I can't even focus enough to finish hand-binding the eyelets on the blue kirtle, so I know things are pretty bad. When you're on your twenty-seventh eyelet and keep fucking up the first few stitches, that right there is a Sign.

Meanwhile evil shit is going on everywhere, and it's brutally hot and not yet noon, and I just want to take a break from life. I may drag Z to the mall, although given my history with malls, that's not likely to offer much consolation. (I cannot wear anything in the mall because I am too fat for regular stores and too skinny for plus stores and this has been the case for my entire adulthood and it is GETTING OLD and learning to sew has not been such a lark really. God fucking damn it I just want to own a pair of pants that fit me. I don't, incidentally.)

ARGH.

So to calm myself I am telling a mean story that I found hilarious, about the guy that was being so horrible to me recently.

So I was at a 4th of july party with some derby people, including a skater's husband. We're sitting around, and the skater mentions this kid's diatribe wherein he attacked me for being an inferior skater. Given that this kid couldn't do a lap after 10 months of trying, we all found this pretty rich, is the context. Anyway.
The husband laughs. "I remember the first time I saw that guy," he said. "I came in and I was talking to M (the rink owner). And he was watching something, and kept getting distracted. So finally I turned around to look at what he was watching. And it was [the kid]."
"Trying to skate?" his wife said.
"No!" said the husband. "No. He was trying to put on his helmet."
"Are you serious?"
"No lie. I swear to God. He tried for ten minutes. He kept putting it on backwards and being like, wait... and pulling it off to look at it, turning it over, and then putting it on backwards again."
"Oh my God." There's only two ways a helmet can go. The chin straps come down on the side, so you have to put it on either frontward or backward.
"I swear. Ask M."

I laughed for so long. I needed that. I know it's mean, but God. For the record, it's not like I'm some genius. I once did a whole lap of the rink with my helmet on backwards before saying, Wait, something's not right here. But I managed to turn it around on the first try.


I'm tired, tired of everything. Tired. That's all. I don't know what to do. I have 18 days left until Pennsic and don't know what I'm wearing or how I'm getting there. Z hasn't been paid for so long that the amount they owe him is actually more money than he's ever saved up in his whole life, and if we didn't already owe half of it on my credit card bill, that would be a kind of stealth awesomeness actually. But really it just sucks. And I'm so, so, so sick of roller derby bullshit. I am becoming a confirmed misogynist. Fascinating, isn't it? But one more bitch come jabba-ing at me with her problems, I gonna cut her. [Like I'm even coherent enough to know what I'm talking about here, right?]

I'm doing so badly that the thing is, for like 3 days we've had half a red pepper sitting in the fridge, and I've been thinking about how good it would be in an omelet. I was going to finally just make the damn omelet today, and then I started thinking about it, and I was like... What if I fuck up this omelet I've been wanting for three days? What if I make it and it tastes like complete ass? I will be so disappointed. I will be such a failure. I had better make something else, something else I don't really want, so that when it's awful because I'm such a fuck-up, it doesn't bother me as much.

I know! Somebody needs to throw me off a goddamn cliff. Z offered to find me some worms to eat, and I asked him to please go and do so because maybe that would help. It's not like things can get worse.

Comments

[kkatowll.livejournal.com]

This will probably be no consolation, but damn, you can write so well that even an essay about a terrible day has be just thinking, "Man, I wish I could write like that."
Ya got skillz, man.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

*woe-is-me voice* Iiiifff ooonnnnllyyy thaaat was wooooorrrthhh sooommmethinnnnggg.
A bla bloo bloo boo hoo etcetera.

I'm boring even myself at this point.

I try to whine entertainingly, anyway. I told my team's yahoo! group that I'd tried taking deep breaths and it hadn't worked so I was going to try it again with a paper bag... with a fifth of Jack Daniels in it.
I hope someone else thinks that's funny because I was rather proud of it.

Unfortunately one does not get paid to write entertainingly about one's own misery. Well, some people do, but I have no idea how they land those kinds of gigs. So I will have to continue to do it for free on the Internet and hope it makes me laugh when I read it over three years from now while bored at yet another dead-end job. (Is it pathetic that I do that? When I get super super super bored at various jobs I've had, I read my own LJ archives, but I try to pick a period in my life that I know sucked really really bad, so I feel less bad about having such a shitty job now.)

[kkatowll.livejournal.com]

Heh, I've done that too -- read about other sucky times to make me feel as though this time doesn't suck quite as much. Usually this only has the effect of depressing me altogether, though. (It sucks NOW and it sucked THEN, whiiiiiine.)

I am still holding out hope that you will find an un-sucky job somewhere. There must be something you like to do that people would pay for.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking porn.

HA HA HA HA.

Sorry, it's been a long day and I think I'm hilarious.

[kkatowll.livejournal.com]

Eh, I can just see you writing, a few months later: Waaaah, this job is so tedious, nobody has any imagination, and now I can't even go home and sleep with Z because it's like I'm still at work! :)

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

To be honest that's the sort of tedium my life could use more of.

[kkatowll.livejournal.com]

Boy can I agree. It has been EIGHTEEN MONTHS since I last had sex. I think I may die of this soon.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I was feeling all bad because it was like, a week, for no reason, but then I realized it wasn't a whole week, I just have absolutely no idea what day of the week it is at any given time. But then I am like a dog with food-- I am utterly convinced that whenever it was that I last got any, it was forever ago and I can't even remember when it was and I am in urgent need of more now, I can't even remember what it's like, I'm wasting away-- even if it was like five minutes ago that I last did. I'm sort of hopeless that way.
But.

EIGHTEEN MONTHS.
Girl, your virginity is going to grow back and they are going to take away your Superpower Vagina card and you will no longer be able to get the secret menu (http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02222007) at Friendly's. You have got to do something about this.

[kkatowll.livejournal.com]

Yeah. It's pretty grim.

I've gone longer than this before -- from the middle of freshman year til the summer after sophomore year. Hmm. Actually that's not 18 months.

Okay, I'm going to die now.

*sigh*

I keep telling myself that I ought to be happy that I got fairly regular sex from age 16 through 28, with the exception of that one gap. But man, I'm telling you, it's doesn't get better. The longer I go without sex, the worse it gets. I pretty much think of nothing but sex now. It's terrible.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I think I remember having a conversation like this when I was about 16 and I was like, "Y'all whining about not getting laid in six months, what's that about, I never have!" and they were like, "It's different." And I didn't believe them.

Until I was 21 and hopelessly uncool and nobody dated me for like a full year. Maybe a year and a half, I don't recall exactly.
Sweet God almighty that sucked.
I'd been real cool about not getting all wrapped up with my identity determined by who I was fucking, and really I was happier alone, and all, but sweet merciful Bob that ain't right. Humans are designed for fucking, man.

My heart goes out to you. I don't know what I'd do. I hate looking for someone to fuck, that's the worst and I'm awful at it. I really never ever dated. I just don't know how. All that tapdancing around trying to figure out if this person is someone you really ought to bang or not. No thank you.

I think of that every time I want to whine about Z never doing the dishes. Yes, I think, but at least he treats you good and you know he is an okay person to do the nasty with and that is a lot more important than you would otherwise think. Also he made you an omelette this morning, with homemade hash browns, and you do not find a lot of dudes that would do that while you are crying in the shower because your life is misery.

... Still, I gotta find something I can get paid to do.

[kkatowll.livejournal.com]

Well, in possibly a great example of my desperation, a friend is setting me up with a guy who lives in Florida. To which I said, "How can I have sex with him then?" And she said, "He's coming up here to visit." And I was like, excellent, let's get together.

I'm glad you're happy with Z. Now you have find a happy job, and since I already have a happy job, I have to find a S.O. Perhaps we will both be successful sometime soon and then we can celebrate Having It All Together. :)

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I don't know that I really believe that anybody ever really has it All Together.

[kkatowll.livejournal.com]

Eh, we're talking big picture here. Happy with home, job, significant other. All else can fall by the wayside.

[buschibaby.livejournal.com]

You ladies can keep your sexy fun. Seriously, every time I turn over in bed these days I'm reaching for the antacids. Without a winch and regular pee breaks, I'm not playing. Poor old S - I'm fairly certain newlyweds should be able to expect more of their night times. When they tell you that children kill your sex-life, they fail to mention that this is from the moment of conception.

So, if you want to never want to fuck again, I recommend getting pregnant. Is this the point where I need to duck as kkatowll throws bricks with "chance would be a fine thing" chiselled into them at me?

[kkatowll.livejournal.com]

Hey, you at least have a person in your bed with whom you COULD have sex were you to, say, stop throwing up long enough to not put her off it. :)

I'm sure SOMETIME in the next 18 years, you'll want sex again. Whereas if I want sex, I have to go out and hunt it and drag it home like a caveman.

But now I can at least think, "Ahh, but I'm not pregnant." So there, you've given me something. :)

I love you

[(Anonymous)]

God, I hope you're for real because if you're not I'll cry. You writing is so fucking brilliant. This coming from a fellow derby girl who feels you on every aspect of your blog. I even said at practice one day "Gee, my helmet feels big, my brain must be growing". The Captain looks at me, rolls her eyes and says "Uh, it's on backwards". Feel free to check out my blog anytime. http://vivalaslam.blogspot.com/

Re: I love you

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

What do you mean, "hope I'm for real"? Are there a bunch of fake roller derby blogs out there? I've had this blog at this location since 2001 (http://dragonlady7.livejournal.com/2001/) so at least I'm real; insofar as the roller derby part goes, this (http://qcrg.net/category/17/Nickel_City_Knockouts/page/107/B_______.aspx) is me, and you can find me in our league's bout photos and highlight reels for the last two years here (http://qcrg.net/webmodules/content/scrapbook.aspx). I'm the chunky one not doing a whole hell of a lot, but I'm there (http://qcrg.net/images/gallery/photo/43.jpg) all right. (I get totally taken out at like 1:50 in the New Year's Bash highlight video, it's pretty embarrassing.)

I have more derby-specific stuff on my Myspace (http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=139666694) blog; I was trying to keep them separate, but people seem to think it's fun to flame me over there, so my posting has been pretty light there. I've just had the Livejournal since I was a kid in college, but only got the Myspace for roller derby purposes, so it seemed like it made sense at the time. However, a couple of people on the league knew about this blog, and now everybody does, but they only read it if I write something controversial. I know, I was surprised too. ;)

I did look at your blog a little bit. Maine? I hae a friend who went to college in maine but I never managed to get up there to visit, so I don't know much about the area.
But knee injuries suck-- I have struggled with patellar tendonitis in both of the lower patellar tendons for a year and a half now, due to poor foot posture combined with the wear and tear of derby and the uneven muscle development of skating. I do recommend Pro-Designed knee pads if the impact is an issue-- really skooshy kneepads can help absorb more shock and make knee conditions less painful, but physical therapy really is the only way to make it go away.

The fact that I currently don't have health insurance, and have spent this whole season getting totally fucked over in various ways by a variety of health insurance companies (one cancelled me for non-payment when I had, in fact, paid, cashed my check, and then never notified me that I no longer was covered; the other lost my paperwork a total of four times over the course of several months; yet another promised me an appointment to discuss it but then cancelled the appointment and hasn't made another, etc., etc., etc). I perpetually "ought to" have health insurance but Christ knows what would happen if I actually needed it. You can imagine that's improved my skating and bouting confidence so much.
Especially since I'm the sort that wears her helmet backwards sometimes. (I got a sticker on it so it's easier now. Srsly.)