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dragonlady7Today is just not going well. It's already 3 pm and I feel like I haven't gotten started on the day yet. It's over 80 outside, and very breezy but muggy. The neighbor is listening to the magic radio really loud, but it's either ads, songs I dislike, or songs I don't know that have annoying refrains-- it's just not the usual Magic Radio. I'm trying to cut out the bodice for a new kirtle, sucking it up and moving on even though nothing I make is turning out quite right. My easy-peasy foolproof ride to Pennsic fell through and now I have to either bring absolutely no gear (that'd be a neat trick, to live for two weeks out of a backpack with no tent) or drive our only car several hundred miles then park it for two weeks, leaving Z here to grocery shop on a bicycle or something. I have less than a month left to make garb and I have, uh, less than one dress completed.
I was nominated as well for an insulting award last night but for nothing else; I feel like the things I do for the league are unimportant and unnoticed, and yet these trivial things I was working on drove me to panic attacks and cluster headaches at midseason-- health issues I've never had before, that were obviously derby-induced. What's the point? I freak out because I care and so am labelled a drama queen by people who apparently don't. I did what I could but it wasn't enough, and so I handed off most of my responsibilities, and yet still feel obligated by them; it's like I get all the stress and none of the glory, because, well, I'm not very good at anything. And the worst part is, of course, I'm not even a good skater; I barely made the squad and skated in almost none of the bout, and when I was out there, I did basically nothing. (I just watched the highlight reel the other day and I'm not even in the background of it-- it's like I wasn't even there.)
I can't get my own radio up loud enough to quite drown out the not-so-magic radio. Everything I'm trying to work on keeps getting blown out of order by errant gusts too strong to be foiled by my makeshift weights holding things in place, but it's not breezy enough not to be oppressive. And, worst of all, I randomly fell down the stairs while trying to get shit adjusted well enough to get started working, twisting one ankle and wrenching the other knee. Not seriously, I'll be fine in a day or two, but tonight is Open Skate, the one time a week I actually reliably get exercise, and I was looking forward to just getting on some skates to roll and remember why I put up with shit that almost gives me nervous breakdowns.
I had a plan for dinner and discovered that I lack a key ingredient. I have no backup plan. I can't think of one.
Oh, what else? I had some fun last night, but little things were annoying or stressful, certain people I had wanted to speak to kept just turning their heads away, not quite ignoring me but not including me either, so I couldn't say or ask things I'd wanted to. I spent more than half an hour on a hairstyle I had fun creating, but not one person commented on it. My boobs got made fun of, and usually that amuses me but sometimes it just makes me feel a little depressed for being a freak.
I've been unemployed for two full months now and I have written like two words-- so much for getting a novel done like ever. I've written some extremely lazy fanfic and really, that's it. I also haven't even managed to get the house clean, not once-- rooms of it, yes, but the accumulated mess of only three years is so overwhelming I don't even know what to do with the storage areas or even the particularly bemungéd bits of the living areas.
Maybe I have PMS. Maybe I really just am not particularly good at life. I don't know. I do have a talent for whining, but this isn't a satisfyingly well-composed rant or anything. I'd wanted to make a funny one, because sometimes I can do that-- at least I can whine entertainingly, once in a while. I do have some good drama queen tendencies, but I try to play up the funny bits. I seem not to have managed that this time, though.
Oh well. It was an honor just to be nominated.
I brought my camera along last night but didn't even take it out of the bag. I have a photo of my hairdo from before we left, but I haven't downloaded it and don't know if it looks cool or not. It must not have. I couldn't see it, most of the part I'd thought would look cool was in the back, so I've no idea.
Whine whine whine piss piss moan moan etcetera. Going to eat worms etcetera.
I just wish I hadn't injured myself doing something so stupid. Who falls down the fucking stairs? Christ. I want a do-over on today.
I was nominated as well for an insulting award last night but for nothing else; I feel like the things I do for the league are unimportant and unnoticed, and yet these trivial things I was working on drove me to panic attacks and cluster headaches at midseason-- health issues I've never had before, that were obviously derby-induced. What's the point? I freak out because I care and so am labelled a drama queen by people who apparently don't. I did what I could but it wasn't enough, and so I handed off most of my responsibilities, and yet still feel obligated by them; it's like I get all the stress and none of the glory, because, well, I'm not very good at anything. And the worst part is, of course, I'm not even a good skater; I barely made the squad and skated in almost none of the bout, and when I was out there, I did basically nothing. (I just watched the highlight reel the other day and I'm not even in the background of it-- it's like I wasn't even there.)
I can't get my own radio up loud enough to quite drown out the not-so-magic radio. Everything I'm trying to work on keeps getting blown out of order by errant gusts too strong to be foiled by my makeshift weights holding things in place, but it's not breezy enough not to be oppressive. And, worst of all, I randomly fell down the stairs while trying to get shit adjusted well enough to get started working, twisting one ankle and wrenching the other knee. Not seriously, I'll be fine in a day or two, but tonight is Open Skate, the one time a week I actually reliably get exercise, and I was looking forward to just getting on some skates to roll and remember why I put up with shit that almost gives me nervous breakdowns.
I had a plan for dinner and discovered that I lack a key ingredient. I have no backup plan. I can't think of one.
Oh, what else? I had some fun last night, but little things were annoying or stressful, certain people I had wanted to speak to kept just turning their heads away, not quite ignoring me but not including me either, so I couldn't say or ask things I'd wanted to. I spent more than half an hour on a hairstyle I had fun creating, but not one person commented on it. My boobs got made fun of, and usually that amuses me but sometimes it just makes me feel a little depressed for being a freak.
I've been unemployed for two full months now and I have written like two words-- so much for getting a novel done like ever. I've written some extremely lazy fanfic and really, that's it. I also haven't even managed to get the house clean, not once-- rooms of it, yes, but the accumulated mess of only three years is so overwhelming I don't even know what to do with the storage areas or even the particularly bemungéd bits of the living areas.
Maybe I have PMS. Maybe I really just am not particularly good at life. I don't know. I do have a talent for whining, but this isn't a satisfyingly well-composed rant or anything. I'd wanted to make a funny one, because sometimes I can do that-- at least I can whine entertainingly, once in a while. I do have some good drama queen tendencies, but I try to play up the funny bits. I seem not to have managed that this time, though.
Oh well. It was an honor just to be nominated.
I brought my camera along last night but didn't even take it out of the bag. I have a photo of my hairdo from before we left, but I haven't downloaded it and don't know if it looks cool or not. It must not have. I couldn't see it, most of the part I'd thought would look cool was in the back, so I've no idea.
Whine whine whine piss piss moan moan etcetera. Going to eat worms etcetera.
I just wish I hadn't injured myself doing something so stupid. Who falls down the fucking stairs? Christ. I want a do-over on today.
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Date: 2008-06-25 07:40 pm (UTC)So it's not just you. :)
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Date: 2008-06-26 01:33 am (UTC)