so sleepy

[dragonlady7]

I am so sleepy as to be nearly incoherent, so do forgive me in advance for anything I say that makes either no sense, or sense contrary to that which would be actually reasonable. I am very tired.

I am feeling a bit old. My birthday was yesterday, and I am 28 now, and that seems old. I say "old" not in a perjorative sense at all-- I don't fear aging, and know it's ridiculous to consider 28 "old" on any kind of human scale. But I mean, I am "old" in that I am now no longer Too Young To Worry About [Whatever].
I am no longer Just Post-College.
I am no longer Still Figuring Stuff Out, Very Young Person.
I am no longer Too Young To [whatever].

Andreas and I (he visited this weekend, btw, which is where I was) were sitting around talking about life. He was born eight days before me, and so he has also just turned 28. He is sort-of-seeing a woman who has a 10-year-old. This blew his mind when he found out-- but she's 30, which is not so much older than he is, and 20 is not so insanely young to have a child, and... whoa. We are now officially old enough to have stepchildren old enough to... yeah, just old enough to be old. Like, old. Ten is big.
Weird.
I was just getting over the idea of my contemporaries having babies. My best friend from elementary school has a 2-month old. *boom* goes my head.
But wait.
I was born when my mother was 28.
When my mother was my age she had two kids.

Weirder still is Andreas's recent realization. His father passed away last year. His mother, of course, grieved deeply, but recovered herself astonishingly well. How?
He was 27 when his father died.
She was 27 when her father died.
She'd been here before, and watched her mother, from the same perspective of the same age, cope with the same thing.

We drank quite a bit last night, talking about life. His job has made it almost impossible for him to have a personal life. He is at sea for 5 weeks at a time, and then ashore for 5-- but then, he has to get from the boat to shore, which can take several days, and then home to Oslo from Nigeria or Houston or China or wherever, which usually takes about a week, all told. And then, not having slept in about 40 hours, he is useless for quite some time. And then he has to take care of everything people usually do in their evenings and weekends, which has piled up for about 6 weeks or more. And then of course he has to visit his mother.
When is there time for a girlfriend?
"I have to either figure out how to make this lifestyle work," he said, a bit morosely, considering the label of his Labatt Blue, "or find a different job. I have two years."
"Two years?" I asked.
"I will not," he said, eyeing me keenly, "be the kind of guy who is over 30 and looking for A Girlfriend."

It was kind of reassuring to know that it works that way for men too. I will not be the kind of girl who turns 30 and then starts freaking out trying to find A Guy To Settle Down And Have Babies With. No. I told Z that I had to make a choice re: Babies before I turned 30; I also told him that if he was going to dump me, he'd have to do so when I was 29 so I'd have a year to be freaking out before I hit 30.
So I got a year. I suppose I have to choose before 29 so I can give Z notice enough to dump me or not, properly...

I'm kidding, mostly, but it's true-- I can keep living life as it comes, but I can't keep doing so as a Feckless Youth because I'm, well, not. I'm shading into a new era of living. A new life phase, or whatever. Nothing is actually changing about my actual life situation, but the role I fill in the world is subtly different.

I dunno, it's weird, is all.

Anyhow, my life is weird and I dunno what's going on. So.
This past weekend I went to Toronto, which was awesome, and I would discuss that at greater length if I weren't quite so incoherent.
But oh! One more thing.
I joined Facebook. Mostly because Andreas, every time he got online, had some more Facebook things to check. And he pointed out all these people I knew, way back when, who are on there. Who, incidentally, are grown up now, and leading fascinating lives, and being extremely interesting. So I joined to find them again, and have been exclaiming in wonder at all these people looming up out of the mists of history, who I had enshrined in memory as forever 16 or 17, a decade ago, and who are now leading lives of astonishing variety and interestingness and, generally, doing crazy weird awesome things.

Also I now have a Catbook profile for Chita Rivera, and she has friended Ursula's cats Charles and Sebastian. OMG how funny.

(And there, there is the Internet for you. Long-lost friends, and picture of cats. How else should it be?)

Comments

[soulofbuffalo.livejournal.com]

Ken and I were talking about something similar yesterday. Not babies (not for me) but about how I'm so much more resistant to starting over than I was 5 or 6 years ago. Things are rough right now in terms of job, relationship, friends (my friends are great but they keep moving away), etc. and it seems like if I was ever going to move to New York or D.C. now would be the time. The last time all that crap fell apart, I pitched everything to move to Buffalo and go to law school. I was 23. At 28, I really do not want to sell all my stuff and move to a new city alone. I am capable, certainly, but I just don't wanna.

I utterly un-spiritual, but for ten seconds I considered taking up Buddhism because maybe that would help me have 'no attachments' and I wouldn't cry if I had to sell my furniture.

I mean, happy birthday! I can't wait for 30, can you?

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I was told, in college, that one's 30s are the best years of one's life (well, until one's 60s, but the people sagely advising me hadn't reached that point yet), and so I've sort of been looking forward to 30 ever since.

But yes. I've periodically considered getting rid of everything-- I had actually gone so far as to polish my resume and download an application to go teach English in Japan-- and starting over, but I somehow never quite did, and now I really, well, I could, but, I have this boy, and this stuff, and I kind of like where I am, but what's more, I don't want to jump.

I feel like I have to Have Accomplished Something, however, before I hit 30, so that I can glide into My Awesome Decade from a position of power. So I do feel a bit stressed out by that. However, the pressure to become a youthful prodigy is off-- I'm already too old. Hurrah!

[kiwitayro.livejournal.com]

i wasn't even vaguely interested in even THINKING about whether or NOT i wanted babies until i was 30. *shrug* so far (i'll be 33 in jan) my 30s have been even awesomer than my 20s. my 20s were good, but my 30s have kicked ass. :)

[kiwitayro.livejournal.com]

and happy birthday!

and my partner josiah is almost 28 and he's got a 10yo. :) whoa.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I hear that life starts to really get good at 30.
Both of my grandmothers married at 30.
One went on to have 5 children.
So I know my Biological Clock doesn't actually have that tight a deadline. But I feel like I should make a choice. That's how I feel-- I don't have to do it, but I feel I have to choose whether or not I want to, by then. Know what I'm saying?

Also I know I'm terrible with deadlines, so if I say 30, I'll actually maybe accomplish 33. ;)

[rootsnradicals.livejournal.com]

First, Happy Belated Birthday!

Second, as usual, you are able to put in words many of the things I have felt but was unable to say! When I turned 28, I began two years of depression. I immediately cut my bangs so that I looked like a little kid! I cried when I turned 30. My reasons were different, but based on the same ideas - too old to act like a kid, too young to act like an "adult". I blame the previous generations for this, though. The only examples we have of "adults" is married with children. The rare relatives/friends of our parents who were unmarried/without children were pitied. I think most of this is because once people have children they gratvitate toward others with children since that encompasses so much of their life. Regardless, I can hardle think of any non-married or non-procreating member of my surroundings when I was a child except my priest-uncle. Now, at almost 40, I know far more unmarried/childless/etc. people than I know of the former. Times have changed. It's not that 30 is the new 20, it's that growing up doesn't mean growing old. We still have to learn to live with that, but we're breaking new ground so it's tough. You (and me, and soul of Buffalo) live a very productive life. You have a home, a boyfriend, a pet, a decent job, a few great hobbies and lots of friends. Who says you aren't fulfilled? If you want kids, go for it. If you don't, don't have them. There you go - you're liberated now! You just have to wait a few generations before people don't understand what all the fuss was about...

BTW - While 28 - 30 was horribly difficult, 40 isn't an issue at all! I feel younger than I did 10 years ago, have tons of friends who are 10 - 15 years younger than me, and have no question about my place in the world (or at least in my view of the world!) I haven't quite convinced everyone else that I'm as great as I think I am, but there's time...

Again, Happy Birthday! I hope the celebrations balance out the trepidations!

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

Oh, I got really depressed at 27. Actually 26 was worse. 25 was pretty rough too. Because I was butting up against the "Not young anymore!" freak-out, without actually being mature and confident and happy enough to accept that. Now I feel I kinda know who I am and am doing OK in my life, and am much more secure in my relationship and in my place in the world. So I'm actually not so upset about not being young enough to accomplish being a Youth Prodigy-- but I still do sort of feel like I have to get a move on on the rest of my life. However, you're right, I'm in an OK place at the moment. I just sort of feel like I can't just-not-decide-to-decide on a course of action for my life, because refusing to make a decision means that you're deciding to let the decision make itself, which isn't really what you want at all...

Eh, it's just weird, is all. I've never been competent at grasping the concept of the passage of time, and things like birthdays just drive that home. It's weird, is what it is.

And you're absolutely right-- when you're growing up, almost all the grownups you know are other people who have kids. People without kids are not generally understood by people who have kids-- kids are, quite necessarily, raised by those who value having children. And so each generation of kids has to discover for themselves that childlessness is a perfectly acceptable life choice, and not nearly so unusual as they came to believe.

I admit, one big strike against kids for me is that so many of my friends are childfree and i know it would be hard for me to continue the relationships I have with them. I'm bad enough at maintaining relationships-- I don't need to add in the disincentive of attaching a shrieking ball of drool to myself so that I'm crawlingly unattractive to those who choose not to breed. ;)

[soulofbuffalo.livejournal.com]

My friend Amanda once said that every family should have at least one female member who doesn't have kids to serve as the "cool aunt" and be a role model. You're everyone's cool aunt!

[maggiehoneybite.livejournal.com]

At nearly-33, I can honestly say that the past three years have been good. But I can relate about the weirdness of not being too young for stuff anymore. Especially with parents who took on responsibility and childbearing at a fairly young age; there's just no role model for living fast and carefree into one's thirties.