dragonlady7

Went to open skate last night for Mia’s birthday. It was fun to skate again, and lovely to see everyone there—Hazel, Cha Cha (I’ve rarely spoken to her one-on-one; I knew but hadn’t really understood what a lovely and funny person she is), C.N. Red, Sour Grapes, Holly Lulu, some new people, and I think I’m forgetting someone, besides of course Mia Mauler. It sounds trite but I had sincerely forgotten how much I liked all these people, and had not realized how much I was missing them.
I was sorry not to see more people there—some people had said they’d be there, and weren’t. Which is too bad.
At least seeing the ones who *were* there reminded me that I am excited to get back to roller derby, really. Three weeks off—or is it four?—with only the Yahoo group and its inexplicable, incomprehensible flamewars had not done a great deal to reinstill in me a desire to skate again.
But I’ll be there on Sunday and I’ll be excited.
I still haven’t, however, given my name to the Boot Camp organizers, because I just don’t know. I don’t want to commit to sponsoring a recruit. It’s a great idea—they’re pairing veteran skaters with new girls to make sure they learn what they need to, and don’t feel left out or whatever—but I don’t want to commit to it. I know I’ll be away one, probably two of the weekends. And I just, I can’t make the commitment. I don’t want to promise I’ll be there. I probably will be—I just can’t face the idea of being required to be there.
I am so relieved that the attendance requirements don’t go into effect at first, and we’re only practicing two days a week. I need that, to ease back in. There has been such inexplicable freaking-out online, I just need to feel like I’m not trapped into being there. I will be there, of course, and I’ll probably not miss a practice, but I just need that feeling of it being optional and voluntary.
I’ve been skimming all the messages but somehow I missed how it escalated to the point it’s at now. I’m pretty sure I read the beginning of most of it, but I can’t even begin to figure out how it got where it is now. The only way I can really deal is by ignoring it. I’m just slowly getting myself excited again, remembering how it was this time last year, and so on. That’s really all I can do.
Mention has been made of something I think is directed at me, in all this flaming stuff on the messageboard. I can only keep sane by simply assuming there’s something else I don’t know, and just not paying it any mind. If people are still upset about anything I’ve done, I don’t understand it, and they’re not coming to me so there really isn’t anything I can do about it, unless I want to launch myself uninformed into an argument I’ve proven that I’m not capable of following or understanding.
So, on that idea of moving forward and not wasting energy and emotion I don’t have in trying to parse this baffling situation, I’ve started work on business cards for the sponsorship committee. That’s a manageable chunk. I’m thinking about the much-discussed website changes, which I’m not really in charge of but think I could contribute to. I’m just thinking, though. The whole thing, I’m just putting a toe in, easing in if the temperature’s all right, doing what I can. I have no idea why there’s strife; we’re all working toward the same thing, if there’s any Us Vs Them I don’t understand how that came about, and while I know it’s naieve of me to expect that the Aww Derby Love limbo we were all in last time this year could’ve lasted through anything more complex than a paceline drill (and it’s even more naieve to assume that it was really that simple even then—I found a note I wrote just before we picked teams where I was thinking about quitting because I didn’t think I was good enough; I don’t remember ever feeling that way, but the note brought it back—I do remember crying), I still miss when it was just for fun.
But growth means change. And change is good. And we’re going into this second season very strong. I just wish everyone would chill the hell out and remember that we really do all want the same thing.

I opened this window to write about something else, but that was eight hours ago, and I don’t remember now.