now i'm all confused.

[dragonlady7]

So I'm on the press committee for the rollergirls.
I'm starting to remember why I sucked at my office job so bad:
I have no self-confidence whatsoever. I can do bartending, because it is simple. There is an immediate goal and the steps you must take to get there are easy.
Complex tasks? Oh my Christ.
Long-term decisions?
Save me.
Immediately Z said, You're going to need to print stuff out. We don't own a printer. You'd better get a good one.
He did the research. He explained the myriad ways in which this one would be best.
Then something came up and the one he ended up choosing was a slightly different model, but he had all the details sorted out and had the best one. It was $550 with a $50 mail-in rebate.
I spent two hours trying to sort out some stupid details of our online log-in with our HSBC account, and finally said yes, we have enough money for it, at the moment.
So he ordered one.

And we had our first press committee meeting tonight, and discussed a lot of cool things, and all that. But everyone else there knew what was going on more than I did, and knew what to do. And, in fact, one of them had a business and had access to a high-volume printer, and so promised to take care of the current necessary printing tasks. When Z said, "Oh, we're getting a printer," they all looked at us kind of funny.

So I said, you know, seeing as I'm freshly unemployed and not sure what I'm going to do with myself, maybe now's not the time to drop half a grand on a printer. And maybe we should see how this committee shapes up. He got mad at me, of course, because he already ordered the thing. But I just-- I don't know. I can't make a fucking decision, and now I feel sick over all of it. I don't know what I need, I don't know what I need to do.

Before I was in charge I wrote a perfectly good press release for April. For May, I started to write one, got hung up, and spent two days staring at it not knowing what to do. I declared it good enough, sent it to Z for proofreading and to ask if I'd forgotten anything, and... he sent it back entirely rewritten and five times as good.

Jesus fucking Christ, I claim to be a writer, and I'm almost thirty, and I can't write a 200-word press release.
What the fuck am I good for?
I can't even make a goddamn decision.

Yeah, then we had practice and I sucked, so that was awesome too. And I noticed that, indeed, a solid third of the league dislikes me so much they can't really bear to look me in the eye, and that was a great feeling, especially on top of a few offhanded comments from which I have surmised that a large number of the people in question genuinely believe me to be a reprehensible individual with hideous personal beliefs. I really can't even begin to comprehend how I'd go about even making the smallest start at fixing that, which makes it futile to reflect upon, but does not make it less upsetting.
I feel really good about all of life now, especially because Z's so annoyed with me he won't even sit in the same room with me.

Perhaps I should go eat worms, as I appear to be inadequate for any more substantial tasks.
Perhaps I should just stop trying to make decisions and should just leave it up to Z, who is not affected by these periodic bouts of idiocy.
I am rather concerned about not being good for anything, however. It both perplexes and vexes me.

Comments

[that-redhead.livejournal.com]

I don't understand why Z is so mad with you. Seriously, the whole printer thing is not a big deal at all. I think he needs to grow up and deal with it like an adult instead of acting like a two-year-old.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I dunno, in the cold reflection of morning I'm thinking maybe we do need the printer after all.
He explained his thoughts on it to me this morning and I was persuaded.
I'm still hesitant but it's very hard for me to spend money, so that's undoubtedly a factor here.

I hate making decisions, I really do.

[that-redhead.livejournal.com]

I don't blame you chicky, it's a lot of money to spend at a time like this. I have the same problem making decisions. I always regret it at the moment, but later on it's not really as big of a deal as I made it. I say go with it, and if it doesnt work out, lesson learned.