sad and tired

[dragonlady7]

I am sad and tired today. Not sleepy, just tired in that sort of way you get, when you're looking at a long walk up a steep incline with a heavy load, and you just can't make yourself want to do it. That is my life, the life stretching out in front of me-- a steep incline, and I feel heavy, and do not really want to climb it right now.

So I went to the doctor this morning, for my physical. She had forgotten me, so I reminded her of my knees. She was unconcerned. The X-rays had come back fine, so as far as she could tell there was nothing wrong with them, so I should just wear knee braces. I suggested that I might look into more supportive shoes; she sort of shrugged and implied it couldn't hurt.
She asked about my family medical history; I mentioned the cancer on my father's side. She asked if there was anything else. I mentioned the chronic eczema; she asked if it was just my hands and I answered no-- legs, wrists, fingers, neck, face, chest-- and she nodded. And never mentioned it again.

She went through the results from the lab work they'd done, the preliminary blood work. Kidneys, liver enzymes, glucose-- all good. My thyroid was good. My cholesterol, however, was too low-- the good cholesterol should be higher. To raise it, she suggested I get some exercise.

I reminded her that I'm a waitress and exercise for a living, besides the roller derby. Oh yes, she said, the roller derby. Good exercise, but hard on the knees, isn't it?
Not if you fall right, I answered.
Well, she said, you should still exercise more. You are overweight and you need to lose a lot of weight.
I do exercise a lot, I said, a little feebly.
Sometimes it is the metabolism, she said. Cut down on your carbs and eat more vegetables.

Then she did a rectal exam, which consisted of making sure my ass wasn't actively bleeding, and that was that. Lose some weight, she said, get some exercise, and was gone.

So I don't know why my knees hurt, I don't have anything to use against my eczema, and I guess it's good that I had no less than 16 hours of roller derby practice scheduled for this week because I don't exercise enough. I am fat and lazy.

I checked the chart hanging on the cabinet in the exam room, as I got dressed. Today they measured me at 191 pounds and 5' 8". I looked at the chart. That put me neatly into the "obese" category. I followed the line up, up, up to where it finally said "weight appropriate" under my height, and looked at the weight number it gave.
160.
I should be between 125 and 160.
Which jives with the strictest of the several BMI/weight charts I found on the Internet after the last time this doc told me I was fat. I don't remember which chart it was. There are apparently many. They are apparently based on nothing I can figure out. One of them had told me that I should be 150-170, and I'd had that in my head as feasible, since I was 170 in high school, at this height-- though, at that point, I had been utterly convinced I was obese, which is humorously ironic.

I repeat to you, I would be dead at 125. But I suppose I could find 30 pounds to drop, somewhere. Maybe? I just... well, these two weeks, if Mia has her way at all, we'll be seeing how much it's physically possible to exercise. I guess I'll see what happens then.


It's just so depressing, all of it. That realization that I'm an adult now and there is no authority that actually knows or cares what's going on in my life, and thus can tell me what I, uniquely, should do. When there was a know-it-all authority at least I could rebel. Now there's just a giant blank slate of indifference and inattention. I don't know what to do-- about my knees, about my job, about my life-- and there is nobody who knows any better than me, nobody who is willing to consider my individual case closely enough to offer me the answers to the questions I actually have. These charts don't take body type into account-- I want to know, with my wide hips, with my heavy-muscled legs, with my 34G rack, what I should actually weigh. Why should it matter if I am 190 pounds, if my lab work all says I'm in excellent health? I don't know, and nobody who does know cares enough to explain my situation to me.

I should be getting up and going now, to the post office to mail some things, to the store to buy new shoes, etc. But it is snowing out, and dark, and I am so emo I can't even function. Woe, woe, woe: all is murky, boring, undesireable. There is nothing I want; I don't actually want the new job, I just don't want the old one. But it's not like I can just... not work. I have no real options that appeal to me. I don't want to do anything. But it's not like I can do nothing...

Comments

[frualeydis.livejournal.com]

The World health organization's BMI charts should put you in "overweight", not obese, if I converted all the measurements correctly. And anyway, lots of muscle of course makes you haevier but not necessarily "fatter".

/Eva

[frualeydis.livejournal.com]

I forgot to add: I'm 5 ft 6" and weigh 165 pounds. Yes, in the picture I'm using in my icon. So, 190 pounds for someone who's 5.8" can't be that bad.

/Eva

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I don't know what the source was for the chart in the dr.'s office, but there was one, taped to the cabinet door, so I looked at it while I was getting dressed. It clearly stated that I was obese.

Research on the Internet has yielded me more information, such as other charts that are much more lenient, but has also yielded a lot of people's ranting, similar to mine, that these charts don't take into account a lot of things other than fat.
I am starting to be very, very skeptical of this "obesity epidemic" that the news is always going on about. I am not seeing the problem with myself being the weight I am; I am not seeing any problems with people somewhat heavier than I am. I agree that very very overweight people are probably at risks for health problems from it, but me? I don't see where I'm at more risk for many things than my skinny friends, and in fact I see more health problems in the tiny little skinny girls than in my fatter friends.

I want to ask the doctor just what problems I so urgently must lose weight to avoid-- since my liver, kidneys, insulin, thyroid, and cholesterol are all exemplary. But I never have the nerve.

[rootsnradicals.livejournal.com]

Get a new fucking doctor! It's ridiculous to give your money to someone who doesn't know or care about you enough to read her fucking chart so she knows what's going on in your life. My doctor repeatedly asks me about my family (like how's my dad since my mom passed away) and knows all my details, even though I only see her twice a year. And even though I'm visibly MUCH fatter than you, she is pleased with any weight loss or overall fitness improvement (yet encourages me to lose weight, of course). GET A NEW DOCTOR, and send her and, if she has any, her bosses a letter describing why you're leaving her.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

It's just so hard to find a good doctor. I asked people for recommendations, but doctors people liked were either far away, not accepting patients, or not accepting Univera insurance.

[kkatowll.livejournal.com]

Okay, I'm just gonna give you some serious answers in case you actually decide to follow the stupid doctor's advice, though I suggest you find a different doctor instead and insist on HELP, not just nods. (Granted, I know how hard it is to do that -- I just gave up on seeing doctors instead.)
Advice on losing weight:
1.If you have something small to eat or drink when you wake up (say a bowl of cereal or a glass of juice) and THEN go exercise, you will not only burn the calories normally burned during exercise, but also your body will burn more calories all day, making all later exercise (incl. walking, carrying trays, etc.) more useful to you. Exercise at night is one of people's biggest mistakes when they try to lose weight. It's still good for you and it's particularly good for building muscle, but not great for burning fat.

2. After (or during) exercise, do not eat anything above what you would normally eat if you had not exercised. Second biggest mistake people make -- they exercise then eat something like an ice cream cone, which not only negates the calories burned but actually adds more calories than you burned. So you would have been better off just not exercising and not having the ice cream. But if, say, you always eat a sandwich at lunch and you go ahead and eat that but do NOT let yourself have the special treat that you figure you "deserve" for exercising, you will lose weight.

3. Cut out something small on the calories side. I gave up regular soda in favor of diet soda, for example. After three months, I got used to the taste. Now I actually like it, though it was awful at first. Whatever you give up, make sure it's something you can give up forever.

4. On knee pain, which I am sadly very familiar with -- you could try doing the exercises I do to strengthen my leg muscles around my knees, which hold my kneecaps in place. I do them while watching television, though as I recall you don't do that...Anyway, lay on your side and lift your leg straight up, hold for a count of 10 or 20 or whatever, repeat how ever many times you can. Then lay on your back and do the same. Helps me, anyway...

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I think part of my problem is that I don't really pay attention to what I eat. I don't eat junk, because I tend not to like it and never have it in the house. I also tend not to snack when I'm not hungry-- that was always my mother's downfall, that she'd grab a handful of Wheaties or whatever when she felt a little peckish, and then would just keep eating until half the box was gone. I eat one or two pieces of candy, then don't feel hungry anymore so I stop.

But I eat when I'm hungry. I eat whenever I'm hungry. If I have something to eat for "dinner" at work (usually around 3 or 4)-- a sandwich, a salad-- and then get home 4/5 hours later and am hungry, I'll eat a full dinner as well.
My life is not in enough of a routine for me to get hungry at certain times and eat something reasonable and measured at those times. So I'm trying to get in the habit of having this healthy thing at this hour, that thing at that hour, and know when I should seriously eat and when I should just have an apple or something.

But I've started counting it up, and I really don't eat all that much.

I'm not interested in dieting to lose weight, especially not if it means I'm hungry all the time. I'm interested in being less "fat" in that I'd like to have less jiggly fat parts of me, but I very strongly dislike feeling hungry-- it makes me unhappy and unstable physically and emotionally.

I don't see the point in being thinner just to be thinner. If there were some health reason-- but I can't see one, as my blood tests all showed excellent results.

So that's my issue with what she said-- fat is bad for fat's sake, but no other reason?

Thanks for the tips, though. I am trying to at least be aware of the issue-- I don't want to gain weight either.

hmmmmmm

[kittyc1978.livejournal.com]

I think your knee pain is coming from your quadriceps muscle which may be over developed from skating and standing. try doing hamstring curls and stretching your quads really well. The quad pulls on the knee cap, and when itls too strng can displace the cap. just the mis-balance of the knee joint can cause pain.

I also hope you feel less alone in the world! Growing up sucks sometimes.

Re: hmmmmmm

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I'm definitely going to try the evening-up the muscles in front and back idea-- that's the first constructive suggestion I've had.

Growing up does suck, but it sure beats the alternative.

Good luck to you, by the way, on your own medical project. :)

Re: hmmmmmm

[kittyc1978.livejournal.com]

Thanks! And I'm glad I can try to help with your knees! Mine click all the time. But the MDs can never find anything wrong. So...I just make sure I don't put too much stress on them!

[lenine2.livejournal.com]

This doctor is someone who just shows up for work every day, does the minimum her job requires, and collects her paycheck. She doesn't care about you or, probably, any of the other people who come in the door. Her type are the majority of doctors. There are a number of doctors who will lie to you, make up a diagnosis, write you prescriptions, and order all kinds of unnecessary tests to pad their wallets. And then, finally, are the ones who really do care about their patients. You need to find one of these.

In my experience the way to do that is to ask around, preferably people older than you who have had some problem or another. If you find someone who is crazy about their doctor and how he/she helped them, then make an appointment for a consultation. In other words, interview the doctor before you agree to anything. If you have to pay for that appointment out of your own pocket because insurance won't, it's well worth it. This could be someone you have a relationship with for years if you plan on staying in your area.

And the job - if health insurance is what's causing you to hesitate, find out how much COBRA payments are. I'm pretty sure your HR department has to tell you that if you call and ask.

There, see? I fixed all of your problems for you. Yay! Now go out and buy new shoes.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

I got new shoes! Go me!

The biggest hesitation I have is that I have a paid vacation coming up in less than a month. Paid vacations are impossible to come by, in my line of work. They're hardly worth it, but it's the principle of the thing. I'm thinking it's stupid to leave just before vacation.
If I wait until just before my vacation to give my notice, then I've got time, between now and then, to get Healthy NY set up, and cancel the insurance through work.
Then I can quit without messing with COBRA.

Once I've got my own insurance, I'll find out what doctors accept *that* plan, and then I'll try to find one for real who'll take me seriously.

[heebiejeebie.livejournal.com]

that whole doctor comment about you losing weight seems to have been driving you crazy

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

You know, it really is. I have spent my whole life trying to figure out whether I'm overweight or not, and this is the first time I've ever felt comfortable how I was-- it's also far from the heaviest I've ever been, and it's definitely, cardiovascularly, the best shape I've ever been in.

And this woman will not pay attention to any of my other issues. It's like all she sees of me is a big lump of fat. With excellent cholesterol and very good blood sugar, but a big lump of fat nonetheless.

It gets right under my skin and itches like crazy to think that she can't take me seriously, when for the first time in my life, I wasn't feeling fat. For the first time in my life (including when I was 5' 6" and 150 in high school) I'm comfortable with my shape, and even my mother has admitted that I look pretty good.
And all this woman can do is call me obese!

It's really maddening.
And she didn't even say what harm my being this size was doing, if any. it was just the most important thing in the world, to the exclusion of the fact that, say, I can't walk some days because I'm in pain.