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dragonlady7Couldn't sleep last night inwardly debating over job thing. Now is so not the time for this; I can't afford even a day's lapse of health insurance when there is practice every day and if I do this right now then what if coverage ends right on the day of the bout? (It would, if I gave notice today.) Healthy NY promises if you apply by the 20th it'll start by the 1st of the next month, which gives me a nice little lapse right in time for me to go get my ass kicked in front of 700 people.
Mm. No.
Also I have a vacation coming up, paid, in three weeks. Should I leave just before a vacation that I desperately need, that I've already made plans for?
But they're driving me crazy.
But I'm overcommitted and overstressed.
But what if I wind up with an overlap of jobs? I will die.
Can I tell New Job that they should go ahead and try to get someone else to fill their urgent shift requirements, because I can't work myself free from my current situation for a month? They sort of need more than one person. Maybe?
Or am I tormenting myself out of indecision? Should I just make a clean break and go and forget about all these details?
...
I am so useless this morning, I keep starting up in a panic that too much time has passed and I'm late for my doctor's appointment. I have an appointment at 9 am. In a place 10 minutes from here. No less than four times now I've started up, heart pounding-- oh shit it's late it's late and I-- oh, oh wait. No it's not. I have an hour.
Oh.
My poor heart can't take much more of this.
I just wish I were competent at life.
In other news we've been having such fun practices lately at roller derby-- amusing but beneficial drills, fun and relatively light-hearted scrimmaging, lots of improvement all around by everybody. I actually skated as jammer last night, and did relatively well-- helped by the fact that we'd decided to take it easy and not hit hard, and try to skate slow so we could practice more strategy, but... still... Fetish was jamming for the other team, and she's really fast, and I just kept up with her the whole time. Until the last pass through, when I got accidentally tripped, and as I landed I realized how tired I was and really had trouble getting up. But I did, and almost caught the pack again before the two minutes expired. So I felt pretty good about that. But I understand why, when I'm back blocker, the jammer never yells to me-- there's no breath to shout, and no thought to compose a sentence. Just skating as fast as you can, a wide-eyed search for a hole in the rear defense, a consuming awareness of the other power blocker who nobody on your team is marking and who is gunning for you, and a tight little adrenaline surge to send you scrambling past, hoping to fake her out and get into the middle of the pack before anyone realizes it's you, before she can drop her shoulder and slam you to the outside for her outside blocker to demolish.
It is a lot of adrenaline. I do like skating fast. I am also excited to realize that, I can.
...
Oh shi-- oh I have another 45 minutes. God I've got to stop doing that.
Mm. No.
Also I have a vacation coming up, paid, in three weeks. Should I leave just before a vacation that I desperately need, that I've already made plans for?
But they're driving me crazy.
But I'm overcommitted and overstressed.
But what if I wind up with an overlap of jobs? I will die.
Can I tell New Job that they should go ahead and try to get someone else to fill their urgent shift requirements, because I can't work myself free from my current situation for a month? They sort of need more than one person. Maybe?
Or am I tormenting myself out of indecision? Should I just make a clean break and go and forget about all these details?
...
I am so useless this morning, I keep starting up in a panic that too much time has passed and I'm late for my doctor's appointment. I have an appointment at 9 am. In a place 10 minutes from here. No less than four times now I've started up, heart pounding-- oh shit it's late it's late and I-- oh, oh wait. No it's not. I have an hour.
Oh.
My poor heart can't take much more of this.
I just wish I were competent at life.
In other news we've been having such fun practices lately at roller derby-- amusing but beneficial drills, fun and relatively light-hearted scrimmaging, lots of improvement all around by everybody. I actually skated as jammer last night, and did relatively well-- helped by the fact that we'd decided to take it easy and not hit hard, and try to skate slow so we could practice more strategy, but... still... Fetish was jamming for the other team, and she's really fast, and I just kept up with her the whole time. Until the last pass through, when I got accidentally tripped, and as I landed I realized how tired I was and really had trouble getting up. But I did, and almost caught the pack again before the two minutes expired. So I felt pretty good about that. But I understand why, when I'm back blocker, the jammer never yells to me-- there's no breath to shout, and no thought to compose a sentence. Just skating as fast as you can, a wide-eyed search for a hole in the rear defense, a consuming awareness of the other power blocker who nobody on your team is marking and who is gunning for you, and a tight little adrenaline surge to send you scrambling past, hoping to fake her out and get into the middle of the pack before anyone realizes it's you, before she can drop her shoulder and slam you to the outside for her outside blocker to demolish.
It is a lot of adrenaline. I do like skating fast. I am also excited to realize that, I can.
...
Oh shi-- oh I have another 45 minutes. God I've got to stop doing that.
